The Game 66
Edited by Karen Leigh
Motivated, Ryan rolled Luke over, pressed eager lips to the android's and set a slow, steady, maddening pace with his hips. Ryan was making himself crazy, but it was worth it for the glazed expression that was coming into Luke's.
Finally tearing his mouth away from the delectable morsel, Ryan grinned. "How's that? That meet your high standards, Luke?"
Grin fading slightly, Ryan recalled the lecture he'd received from Romeo and realized that he needed to slow himself down "But this won't be enough for you, will it? I mean, you, ah, need for me to ... um ..." He could think of no other word. "Ah ... penetrate."
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Matthew winced at the despair in Gabriel's voice. It had been a long time since he'd heard anything like it.
"Gabe," Matthew began, moving away from the android so as not to crowd him and give him an excuse to retreat physically. "It's okay, you know. You're ... well, you're among friends here."
Gabriel looked up and the glimmer of hope and boundless gratitude in those expressive green eyes almost overwhelmed Matthew. Trying to relate, he smiled, sat down on the edge of the bed and spoke. "Let me tell you a story. It's about a guy who wanted to be with someone so badly that he turned his back on who he was ... what he liked to do ... what he was good at ... in order to be what he thought she wanted ... needed. You might wonder why he did that."
Nodding vigorously, Gabriel took a few steps closer to Matthew.
"Because he didn't want to be alone. Because when he was with her he felt important. He felt like he made a difference for her and that made him feel good ... powerful ... useful. He loved her in the way that even the thought of being without her left a hole in the center of his chest. And, in a lot of ways, it was that threatened emptiness that gave meaning to the over ...overflowing ... no, overripe, almost ... feelings that came over him when they were together."
Winking at Beau, Matthew leaned forward, lowered his voice slightly, and murmured, "Lust is layered on top of those other things. It isn't lust that tears your heart out, Gabe. It's love. If you're going to be afraid of something, make it love. Right, Beau?"
"Listen to him, Gabe," Beau said softly as he stepped closer to the other two men. Reaching out he put one hand on Gabe's shoulder and smiled. "Love is a wonderful and powerful thing. Fallin' in love is pure magic, it just creeps into every part of you."
Tightening his grip on Gabriel's shoulder, Beau reached over and closed his free hand on Matthew's forearm. "Sometimes love'll develop slowly, just filling all those empty places inside of you, warmin' you up a little at a time - other times it just comes up on you like a freight train. Either way, it's a rare and beautiful thing."
Matthew stared at Beau, wondering about many things and what number of them he and Beau would speak of. High school poetry popped into one's head at odd moments. It had been a long time since he'd written a paper about cabbages and kings.
Using one finger, Beau turned Gabe's face until their eyes met. "Problem is, love can hurt you like no other thing in this world. And it will - that's the price you pay, Gabe. Nothin' so wonderful could ever come without a price."
Matthew had seen a play once where every character had their definition of love. A wizard, his favorite character, had said that love was "a rose with a faint scent of blood." That resonated with Matthew then and now. Likely always would.
Gabriel didn't feel so lost, and Beau and Matthew's words made sense. In a way. But still... "Is that what this is? Love? How can it be rare and beautiful if it hurts so much?" he asked, mournfully. "And why should I want to feel it? So far, it hasn't done much for me. It fills me up, but so far, only with pain. I fail to see how it can be a beneficial experience."
Gabriel turned to gaze into Matthew's sympathetic eyes. "Do you love Beau? It doesn't hurt you to love him, does it? There must be hope that love doesn't always hurt, yes?"
"Well," Matthew began haltingly. He should've expected this question, he knew. But he wasn't prepared. No quick answer came to mind. Matthew realized that that was exactly as it should be.
"I don't know, Gabe. I just don't." Smiling, he shifted his gaze to Beau. "I do care about Beau and he's definitely taken me places I've never been, even in our brief acquaintance. I could grow to love him, I think." Expression turning rueful, he added, "If I don't already."
"Love hurts. Always does eventually and from time to time. But the pleasure, the serenity it can give you are worth it. Believe me, Gabe, they are."
He looked away, wanting to give in suddenly to the urge to lean into Beau. Into either of them. Both of them. To take comfort from their kindness, their sheer presence. Gabriel murmured, "I want to understand. I want to know what this 'love' really is. And the difference between love and lust. Is it lust or love that I felt for - ?" He shuddered at nearly saying the immortal's name aloud with such candor. He didn't want to evoke Cory in his being anymore than he wanted to see him again. Ever. Gabriel tried desperately to find a way to dampen or perhaps even purge from his entire system the feeling he still felt for Cory Raines.
"If I had to guess," Matthew ventured carefully, "I'd say a little of both. Love has stages and comes in ... um ... different forms. You have got your first ... love to deal with. I hate to tell you this, Gabe, but I don't think there's ever been a first love in history that didn't hurt like hell."
Seeing the fear in the android's eyes heighten, Matthew continued, "Everyone goes through it." Taking a calculated risk, he put a hand on Gabriel's shoulder and leaned closer. Matthew made a mental note to explore the immortal angle if he ever got a chance, as he murmured, "Even Cory did once upon a time."
Gabe jumped at the mention of Cory's name. Matthew neither backed off nor approached further. "You need to wade in and hope for the best, just like the rest of us did. But maybe we could give you an idea of what you might be in for. Beau?" he asked. "What do you think?"
Beau smiled into Matthew's glittering green eyes as he moved one more step closer to Gabe. His arm wrapped around Gabriel's shoulder and chest as he closed in, his own chest resting against Gabe's back. With his other hand, Beau grasped the nape of Matthew's neck, fingers riffling the silky hair as he urged Matthew forward, until Gabe was trapped between them.
Matthew smiled with more certainty than he felt. Beau had taken this in a slightly different direction than Matthew had intended -- that of physical action rather than spoken word. Yet, as always, he was intrigued by the potential of the interaction.
"Now, Gabe, I want you to pay attention, close attention," Beau instructed as he lowered his shields allowing Gabe to feel everything he felt himself. "Can you feel me?"
Gabe swallowed heavily, and nodded. The connection between them over the network was abruptly stronger with Beau, nearly overpowering. His own emotional responses were quite suddenly amplified with the additional sensation of everything Beau was experiencing, thinking, feeling... It was delicious and at the same time completely terrifying. It lacked the sting, however, of his previous emotional overload in the cafeteria. He relaxed a little, letting himself bask in the comfort and thrill of Beau's impressions.
Uncertain as to what was going on between Gabe and Beau, Matthew focused on Gabe's face and Beau's voice. Damn, he's got a hot hot hot accent. Like a hot knife through butter, so the saying went. Matthew thought it applied to Gabe's voice and his own defenses.
"Good," Beau murmured into one ear, smile widening when the softly spoken word sent a shiver through Gabe's body."C'mere, Matthew."
That particular tone demanded action and Matthew couldn't refuse.
Matthew, trying not to be too obvious about just how amusing Gabriel's stunned deer-in-the-headlights expression was, leaned closer and pressed his lips to Beau's.
Gabriel gasped, caught between the two of them, and didn't know what he wanted - to kiss Beau, to kiss Matthew, lose himself in Beau's beautiful sense of fulfillment and exploration with Matthew, or somehow join with both of them, or...
"I - I didn't know, I- didn't realize," he gasped, half-whispering, half-moaning.
Matthew was only fuzzily aware of Gabe, but the android's breathless words suggested that he was somehow feeling what they were. No, Matthew realized. He's feeling what Beau is.
Gabe's knees buckled under the onslaught of experience and would have fallen if he weren't between the two of them, warm hands steadying him.
"Easy, Gabe," Beau whispered. "You're okay. We're not gonna let anythin' hurt you."
"Not a damn thing," Matthew promised, his lips leaving Beau's for the flesh of his new lover's throat.
Beau made interesting noises as Matthew's teeth nipped gently and then with a little more force. Matthew lost himself for a moment in giving Beau pleasure. The whimpers lacking a Southern drawl lifted Matthew's head.
He gasped. Gabe ... Gabe was amazing. His eyes were closed. His mouth open. Cheeks flushed. Breathing rapid and shallow. And he was hard.
Worried that this was going far too fast for the neophyte, Matthew backed off and met Beau's eyes, mouthing "What now?" Beau rested his chin on Gabe's shoulder and smiled at Matthew. "You doin' alright, boy?" He murmured into one of Gabe's ears.
Gabe tried to analyze the curious warmth of the shiver that ran over him, with Beau's voice in his ear...as well as Beau's intoxicating proximity. He gulped and said, "I - I seem to be unable to - to function properly. My legs - is this normal?"
"Mmmhmm," Beau answered, letting Gabe feel and Matthew see his gentle amusement. "Perfectly normal, Gabriel. So many new sensations and emotions bombarding your circuits - you'll be fine, though, I promise."
Gabriel's head felt like it was spinning on the inside. There were indeed *many* new sensations as well emotions he was experiencing but for some reason he wasn't afraid. Not this time.
"C'mon," Beau urged, looking up to meet Matthew's rather confused eyes. "Ah think he needs to sit down. Let's move over to the bed."
The inevitability of this strange encounter made Matthew feel as though he was outside of himself watching the proceedings. Detachment and physical intimacy had never mixed for Matthew. He didn't do detachment well in any circumstances and found it impossible to be intimate without some sort of commitment.
Matthew nodded and the three slowly moved across the room, Beau and Matthew carefully supporting Gabe's rather wobbly frame. Once they'd reached the bedside, they carefully sat Gabe on the edge of the mattress and settled themselves on either side of him.
Beau rubbed soothing circles on Gabe's back and shoulders while he tried to gather the correct words to explain to Matthew what was going on between him and Gabriel. "Mac 27s share a communal link with a network composed of all the rest of us in existence who are online. So, to help our young friend through this, here, ah've initiated a private link jest for us to share."
They're linked? What the hell does that mean?
His gaze met Matthew's. "You don't mind, do ya, Matthew? Ah jest thought it'd be the easiest way ta show him how these things ah-" he waved one hand in the air indicating himself, Matthew and the bed, "work."
"Linked?" Matthew murmured. "Does that mean ...?"
Deciding to think a moment before he continued, Matthew considered what he'd seen. Gabe had seemed to be reacting to what was happening at the obvious level, but what if ...
Finally, he asked, "Does he feel what you feel, Beau? Is that what your private ... ah ... link does?"
Gabe turned to look at Matthew, and was caught by the sheer wonder of the beauty of his eyes... He could sense Beau's appreciation of Matthew - it was so deep after all. But still, Matthew *was* esthetically pleasing as well as possessing such a profound and deep personality. He abruptly wished he could feel as close to Matthew as he and Beau currently were. He wished there were a way that all three of them could be linked.
"We are merged on a mental level, yet we share the feelings too," Gabriel murmured, not taking his eyes from Matthew's. He blinked. "You are very beautiful, Matthew."
Matthew couldn't keep a grin off of his face at that sentiment. All he could do is hope it wasn't one of the extremely silly variety.
"Yes, he is, isn't he?" Beau murmured. "Why don't you try to tell him, Gabe? Tell him what you're feeling - he can't read us, so we hafta let him know with words. Talk to him - talk to us..."
Now, Matthew knew the grin was silly. Beau's reference to his earlier request for verbal communication made him feel quite warm and more comfortable. Words from Gabe, he could take.
Gabe blushed and Beau shared a private smile with Matthew. He couldn't help but worry that he'd jumped the gun, let the oddly protective feeling he felt for Gabe create a situation that Matthew might not be comfortable with. He didn't want to do anything to jeopardize the growing relationship between him and Matthew. After all, they'd only had the one time together - that wonderful, exhilarating and yes, FRIGHTENING moment they'd shared out in the woods.
Much as he might want to introduce Gabe to the joys of the flesh, Matthew's needs must come first.
Gabriel complied. It made perfect sense to him, after all. He brought up a hand to wonderingly touch Matthew's cheek. "So *this* is love. We love you, Matthew. So much. You are so special. What both of you have is too special to ever threaten."
Love? Did he say love? Does that mean that Beau loves ... me? Recalling that he'd said that he could take whatever words Gabe could dish out, Matthew shook his head. That old saying about being careful what you wished for could apply here.
The surprise in Matthew's expression made Gabriel pause, but the flow of the shared depth of feeling that he had with Beau for Matthew helped to give him confidence. He brought up his other hand to place it against Matthew's other cheek and then leaned forward, shyly, to kiss him. *So warm, so soft, so perfect - * Gabriel couldn't tell if it was himself or Beau who thought it; perhaps both.
Gabe's lips were different from Beau's. Gentler, a little more like a woman's but still decidedly masculine. Nice. Very nice.
Gabriel drew back, and took a breath, searching Matthew's eyes for permission to explore further, his courage enhanced with the supportive memory of Beau's earlier tryst with Matthew in the woods. But the worry and fear that flowed through him from his mergence with Beau colored his state. "I - I feel love for you. I want you, need you, so much! But I don't want to frighten you away. I am - afraid of going too fast, of pushing you too far, so that you end up leaving. I couldn't bear it if you left. And I... don't want to love you so strongly that it will be that very thing that makes you go. I never seem to - to know how far you want it... want me..." Confused, Gabriel trailed off, not sure at this point why he had said it, which were his feelings and which were Beau's... just very certain that if it came down to it, it was imperative that Beau and Matthew remain together.
Beau's afraid that I'll go? Matthew mulled over that stunning revelation for a moment and had to accept that the answer to his question was affirmative. Where else could Gabe have gotten that?
Gabriel swallowed, miserable now. He could not jeopardize Beau's chances with Matthew...
A fiery blush slowly colored Beau's face. He knew full well that Matthew might not be ready to hear the depth of his feelings for his human lover. Yet, in a strange way he was relieved to have his feelings expressed.
Hesitantly, he met Matthew's stunned gaze. "He's feeling what Ah'm feeling - saying what Ah'm too scared to say. Ah know this is strange to you, Matthew. An' I jest want you ta know that whatever yer willin' to give me - for however long yer willin' to be with me, is enough." His voice thickened with emotion and he paused, clearing his throat before continuing. "You've already given me so much... yer acceptance, yer passion - you've made me realize jest how superficial mah previous experiences have been. And, I will always thank ya for it, love." The hushed voice tapered off as he waited for Matthew's reaction.
Stunned was insufficient to describe what Matthew was feeling. His mind reeled and his heart pounded. Wiping sweating palms on his jeans, Matthew first looked Gabriel in the eye. "Thank you, Gabe," he murmured. "Thanks for telling me."
Then Matthew faced Beau, eyes thoughtful, smile rueful. "There's something you should know about me, Beau," he began slowly, carefully. "I'm not much for running away. In fact, I usually stay well past the bitter end of any relationship. Chuckling, Matthew clarified, "I'm good at convincing myself that there's a chance that the problems can be worked out, the deficiencies compensated for in some way. I guess I do that so I don't have to be alone. I hate being alone."
Taking a deep breath, Matthew allowed, "I'm good at convincing myself of things." He took Beau's hand and regarded their entwined fingers for a long moment. "I told myself that what happened outside was just an experiment. Expanding my horizons, you know?"
When Beau nodded and cast his eyes downward, Matthew sighed. "It wasn't that simple, Beau. Sex never is for me. I ... I hope that's okay with you."
"Lord, Matthew... " Beau whispered. "Ah was so scared that you'd run if ya found out how Ah felt - and at the same time Ah NEEDED for you to know. Ah've never felt this way before... didn't even know it was possible fer me to fall so hard - and it happened so darned fast!" He shook his head in confusion. "This is so strange. So many emotions - excitement, fear... and," he added in a hushed tone, "love."
Matthew had been doing fine. Up until Beau had uttered his last word, Matthew was sure that he could handle this. But Beau's open, vulnerable expression, the slight hitch in his voice, the gleam in his eye. Jesus. Love. Well, damn.
Gabriel privately suspected that Beau was partly picking up on his own reactions now, expressing what HE was feeling... But a proper examination of Beau's state revealed that actually, they were both on even ground at this juncture. His heart went out to Beau. He could well understand how his new friend felt for Matthew, having recently been burned by his own newfound discovery of what it meant to possess a 'heart'.
"Ah suppose it wasn't the bravest thing in the world fer me to use Gabriel to tell ya - Ah jest couldn't find the words myself," he admitted. "Ah hope you can both understand - and forgive me - Ah'm not very proud of the way Ah used you, Gabe... and, I'm ashamed that I couldn't tell ya myself, Matthew."
"Some people never say it, Beau," Matthew noted quietly. "It takes courage, however you do it." Matthew frowned. Beau was still agitated. So was Gabe. Causing consternation was something he avoided at all costs. Extremely conflict adverse, Matthew sat helplessly, trying to figure out what to say ... how to make things right again.
Gabriel couldn't bear the worry in their shared minds and Beau's words. He turned to Beau and said earnestly, "It is not easy, this concept and experience called love.
"Amen," Matthew muttered.
I see now that sex is merely an expression of that feeling. I do not feel used - if anything, I am glad that I could assist in some way. In fact, I am honored that I have been allowed to witness such a beautiful thing, to be involved."
Matthew grinned at Gabe. He was catching on and navigating the uncharted emotional waters well. The fact that it was easier if someone else's emotions were at stake didn't diminish what Gabe had done. Matthew thought the android had made a very significant stride in his emotional development.
Privately, he sent, Beau, I think that Matthew is saying that he would not have become involved with you lightly. It means more to him than that. I believe he does not consider it merely a dalliance. If anything, I believe he has been concerned that it did not mean as much as it has, for you.
Gabriel turned back to Matthew. For the first time, Gabriel felt a measure of happiness, of playfulness in this new territory they were exploring. With a smile that couldn't help being a little mischievous, he said, "The mutual comfort of expressing love with appreciation is a natural thing, is it not? And I think Beau needs reassuring, don't you?"
Matthew's eyebrows shot up. Forget strides, Gabe was moving with leaps and bounds. Not quite faster than a speeding bullet, but damn amazing all the same.
"I think you're right, Gabe," Matthew agreed. Shifting to put his arm around Beau, Matthew rested his chin on his new lover's shoulder, stared into those expressive eyes but addressed his questions to Gabe. "What do you think might be appropriate? How much reassurance is enough?"
Matthew kissed the tip of Beau's nose and then each cheek. The whispered question for Beau was out past his lips before Matthew thought it through. "What have you done to me?"
Gabriel had to keep his eyes open because of the disconcerting disorientation that caught hold of him as Matthew kissed Beau. Beau's emotions were swirling rapidly now and there were too many to analyze or identify. Never having swum anywhere in his existence, Gabriel wondered if it were an apt analogy - it was like being caught in the tide, waves closing over his head. And they weren't even his emotions. Wonderfully strange. And beautiful. He found his heart pounding louder, harder, and wondered how it might have been to experience this with Cory. A reminiscent pang went through him but he firmly quelled it. He had no wish to pollute this experience with regret and thoughts of what-might-have-been.
But Matthew's question had stirred something in Beau. Beau needed more than reassurance, actually - it was almost rhetorical. Gabriel wanted to answer but knew that Matthew's last query directed at Beau had been the important one. Gabriel found himself holding his breath.
Beau slowly opened his eyes when Matthew released his lips. Dazed, he stared at Matthew and blinked. There was a definite expression of expectancy on the other man's face and it took Beau several seconds to figure out what Matthew was waiting for.
What have you done to me?
Leaning heavily against Gabriel, Beau tried to understand what Matthew wanted to know. What *had* he done to Matthew? Aside from the obvious - finding food and bed for them - and being a part of that interesting little encounter with the pretty redhead, he'd simply fallen in love with Matthew. Was that the answer? Because, in the end, that was what had happened.
"Matthew, Ah don't exactly know what yer askin' me here. I - I fell in love with you, 's all. Ah want to be with you - fer however long ya want to be with me." He sighed and looked up to meet Matthew's eyes. "Ah do... love you - and this - us - is important to me, maybe more important that anything ever has been. But, Ah don't say it jest to make you feel obligated to me in some way. I feel what I feel - always will, whether you're with me or not."
Matthew nodded because that was the best he could do. His mouth, for the first time in memory, wouldn't work. Couldn't. His brain was too busy replaying Beau's words and the rest of him was basking in the relief and wonder they caused. He, therefore, could spare no brain bandwidth for the formation of words. Particularly because underneath the relief was the constant uncertainty, the belief that he didn't deserve what he had that had plagued Matthew since childhood.
Gabriel could stand it no longer. He could barely restrain himself from reaching out for Matthew; the twin surge of longing from both Beau and himself was overwhelming...
Beau's secret amusement at this was imparted along with the suggestion, //Youngster, go for it. He may need the reassurance more than we jest now.//
Gabe's eyes widened at being given permission to act on the impulse to touch Matthew. He hoped Matthew would understand. Turning to Matthew, Gabriel took his face in both hands once more and kissed him, trying to let his lips impart the feelings. There was only so far that words could express, and the need to show Matthew how much he was desired was more than Gabriel could suppress. Matthew's mouth was so warm and Gabriel found his hands sliding down from his face to take Matthew in his arms. He pulled back to look into Matthew's clear green eyes.
"Please," he whispered, not even sure what he was asking for, but very aware that every fiber of his being wanted Matthew.
Gabriel was an innocent in search of a safe experience. He was also, instinctively, it seemed, a helluva kisser. Clearing his throat, Matthew looked to Beau. He'd just declared himself and Matthew wanted at least the illusion that someone cared about him to last longer than thirty seconds.
Reaching out, Matthew snagged Gabriel's hand, but his eyes were on Beau. "Hey, Beau. Is this still okay with you? The three of us to ... to show Gabe?"
Grinning sheepishly, Matthew continued, "I'm thinking Miss Manners would frown upon me ... ah ... experiencing things with Gabe given what you just said. Without permission from you, anyway."
Expression turning serious, he added, "Give me a hint here, Beau. I don't want to fuck us up."
Matthew's words brought Gabriel up short inside.
Holding Matthew's hand, Gabriel suddenly realized that the key to Beau and Matthew's relationship was that they'd found love through lust. He realized too that he hoped to experience lust through love. The vagaries of love were truly fascinating. He was certain that experiencing love for Matthew had been due to his connection with Beau. He would always have a deep fondness for both of these two generous souls, he was sure. But he realized now that he had been the catalyst to help Beau cement his bond with Matthew. And thanks to them, he now knew the difference too between physical desire, friendship, and his feelings for Cory Raines, which were still new but all engulfing. This was a puzzle that he and he alone could attempt to fathom. They couldn't help him understand 'why Cory' anymore than they could understand 'why each other'. It was imperative that these two solidify their newfound understanding. He smiled to himself.
And put an arm around Beau's shoulders, to kiss him on the cheek. He then turned to Matthew and kissed him too.
"I thank you both for your kindness and your generosity. You've helped me to learn more than I could have expected. You two have something special, something beautiful, and I believe if I remain at this point it would, as you said, Matthew, quite possibly 'fuck things up' when you *should* be fucking each other." He grinned, blushing at the use of the word, but it seemed apt. He stood and not relinquishing Matthew's hand, took up Beau's in his other. "I'm quite certain that with this interlude, you have helped me to gain clarity and purpose after I had been floundering in confusion and despair. I can only hope that I've repaid you a little in kind by allowing the truth to surface. You are my friends, and I will always be yours. If there is anything I can do for you, anything at all, let me know. But I really think it would be best if I went for a walk and thought things over now. You should both concentrate on each other. You have a marvelous, beautiful thing here and I will not come between you." He kissed their hands and with a smile of contentment and hope for the future, he quietly left the room.
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