Addio de Passato
by Krysia Korsakova
Rated: T for Teen
Pairing: Alex Krycek.
Spoilers: Vaguely for events in Existence.
Warning: Un-betaed and stream of consciousness. Please stick to the paths.
Summary: Before Existence. Alex contemplates a decision .
Disclaimer: He ain't mine. And the one in the bed ain't mine. Even some of the words ain't mine, being as how this is what happens when you put The Show Must Go On a la Moulin Rouge and I'll Forget You on obsessive repeat.
Author's notes: This is dedicated to Shahara for giving me the courage to share. And Devil With The Green Eyes is on now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It ends today.
All of it.
I'm done with this. Done with foolishness.
I'll leave; I'll go and never let him steal my breath again. You've never seen him sleeping; you've never known how it makes me...No. It ends today.
I've made the plans, can't back out now. But I keep remembering his thigh, his kiss. The way he shaved, caressing his skin with the razor.
Stop it, Alex. Fool. Fucking fool!
You can't afford to love. You'll destroy him in the end. It's better this way.
He doesn't belong in the underworld. He won't survive. It's better this way.
But I'm not sure. Here, now, with the false dawn highlighting that ridiculous, precious nose, I want...
I want to be his.
I love him.
And my love will be what kills him. There is no other way. This show must go on.
I won't let him know; I won't remember. I'll forget his arms around me, enfolding me dark and sweet. I'll forget the way he said my name, breathing starlit affection.
I love you, Fox. Last time I say that. Figures that you're asleep.
Hold me close. Fight me deeper, harder, faster, hold me in your body. Take your leave of me now, because I will forget you.
I'll let you go. I know there's a way, for all that you smell of lime. For all that I can picture you sharp and clear when I close my eyes.
But I'll do it. I've decided now. I must hurt you, love. And you'll never forgive me.
I don't want forgiveness. All I want is to forget I ever fell in love with the most perfect man in the universe.
Another hero. That's you, in case you didn't realise. Me, I'm the shadow behind the curtain. The villain in the pantomime. The one to boo and hiss.
You'll hiss tonight. I'll make sure of that. I'll give you no choice tonight.
It'll be me. My thoughts, my dreams, my...feelings. But not *me*, not really.
I've coached it on what to say. On how to act. On and on. Who could want this - this hell that I've been living for?
I don't want you anymore. I don't want what you do to me. I don't want my heart to be torn from my living, screaming body anymore.
You're inside me now and it makes me weak. So damned weak, but I will do what I must. It all ends today.
Bars of light across your cheeks, glowing in that clear warmth. Birdsong now, but it will not wake you. I know you. You'll sleep a few more hours yet; sleep properly. I'll miss this.
Outside...dawn is breaking. On the stage that holds our final destiny...it's dark. The show must go on.
There's no choice. I will turn and let you go, though I grow cold and empty. I'll lose myself in anything. Anything but you.
Anything but this. Anything but love. There's nothing I can do now, but forget.
Forget the light washing over your face, forget the tidal rhythm of your snores, forget the loud complaints which herald your awakening.
Right now, my heart is breaking. Breaking into tiny fragments of your image. The mask may be shaking but my smile stays on. No one will ever know how much this cost me.
No more dreams of leaning in the dark above you, no more shadows. will forget how much I love you. Life goes on.
I must do this. Leave it all to chance. Just one more failed romance. On and on - what am I living for?
Every evening shivers with the chance that you are near and every morning whispers "He is here". How can I give that up?
It all ends today.
I'll burn my bridges, earn the kill. I have the will to carry on with the...
Though each and every moment may be a fight not to rush back into your life, I'll forget. I won't move closer; I'll disappear.
From here, from now, from your life.
I just have to make the first step now. I just have to find the strength to pull away from your glow.
I have to see the way to let you go. Your kisses, light as gossamer, hold me fast and soon you will wake up.
I don't want you. But you don't care about that. You go right on stealing every breath I'm breathing.
You overcome me...with a touch, a movement, a whisper. But I'll forget you. When I die, finally and not tonight, I will forget you.
I'm a poor promise-keeper, Fox. But if I can't forget you, if you are seared soul-deep, written in my bones and whispering through my blood, still I have the will.
On with the show.
Goodbye. Such a final word. But it is silence you will have from me. Simply a love that dare not speak its name, forever remembered by you with shame.
But I will remember with regret.
I had a dream. A simple dream of love returned.
Today's a day when dreaming ends.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
I was a fool to believe
It all ends today
Yes, it all ends today
We are creatures of the underworld
We can't afford love
Today's a day when dreaming ends
Another hero, another mindless crime
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime
On and on
Does anybody want what we are living for?
Outside the dawn is breaking
On the stage that holds our final destiny
The Show Must Go On
Inside my heart is breaking
My makeup may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
The Show Must Go On
The Show Must Go On
I'll top the bill, I'll earn the kill
I have to find the will to carry on with the
On with the
On with the show
The Show Must Go On
Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall
Moulin Rouge (with a little help from Queen and Shakespeare)
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
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