After the First Time, by Wildy and Starfish

After the First Time,

by Wildy and Starfish

Character: Alex Krycek

Spoilers: No spoilers, no disclaimer, no pity.

Author's notes: This is a collaboration by Wildy and Starfish...or what happens when Starfish drinks a beer. Blame IM for this. Or, if you like it, send feedback. Wildy did most of the work. She rocks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here I am...
Been writing
in your honor
and I worked hard on it.
UST, anyone?
Yes, please,
It feels so good when it stops.
It left just a word behind
in Russian
a secret in cyrillics.
Your name in a code of shyness...

"Sometimes when I drink, I forget how to speak English."
I'm in a strange place -- but I got the banter back!
Beautiful Fox...
To think I waited all this time...
Years wasted on UST.

I'm so far out of the loop ...
He's such a psychobaby.
He cried at the end, tho
All that history
made me see the light
and then I had to find out what the hell was going on
yeah, and the "Truth" isn't out there
and never was.
"There is no truth!!"

And I kicked him hard
never knowing who the fuck I was supposed to be...
Or what the hell I was doing there...
Or why he did what he did to me.

All the gaps that we may fill at our leisure --

Typing with one hand now.

Hell, I type one-handed at all times...
And not by reason of beating myself, either
cuz my smallpox vac scar was high
-- I don't wanna go there.

I'll settle for it, if the gift I get is
Too much darkness in the last season
against the light now...
Hey Spooky?
My lines are very faint, although
There are some things I wouldn't do or
say or
give up on.
The lines shift a lot, but they're BRIGHT.
OK, they shift
You know what I wouldn't do.
I would, say, buy a puppy for you, Mulder,
but never keep one myself.
If I lied to myself ever
I'd be roadkill within a week..
Survival.
Is.
Hard.
Abso-fuckin-lutely hard...

Mulder needs to know that.
He has no idea
I am scared of anything not hard.
The way you are of unknown terrain in wartime.
He punished me with affection
Alien to me and scarier than torture.
When nobody ever came close unless it was killing distance --
I was scared it was real, scared it wasn't
Nobody touches me just for me.
Coming to need something -- anything at all
is distracting
and if surviving is all you ARE...
Losing it hurts worse than never having it
and surrender feels like suicide.
I'm easily embarrassed by love
but I'm working hard on it.

Fox, come back here.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

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