Anson's Journal
by Jean
Series: Supplement To Anson's Journal
Disclaimer: All characters used here and alluded to belong to Alliance and their respective owners.
Rated: I'll say M for language - but it is probably only T
Spoilers: Moloney - Damage Control
Summary: Anson's thoughts after the episode and he is committed to a psychiatric hospital
Beta: None - I wanted this journal to be somewhat raw - any mistakes are mine - but I'm blaming them on Anson
Author's notes: Thanks to Dr. Ruthless for pushing me to do this. And to all of you for being such a welcoming list.I am currently a 3rd year medical student and am starting my psychiatric rotation. It is a rotation that I'm not really looking forward to. So I decided that I should write about it. And why not write about it as Anson would see it. I have changed the names of the real patients that I am writing about. And yes - these are real patients - with real problems.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Day 1:
Well, I got a new shrink today. And he wants me to start writing in a journal about my life. I think it is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. And I even told him that although it was more like "Fuck you." He informed me though that if I did start to write then maybe I might be able to call Annabel. I really miss her.
I hate this place. I guess it is better than being in prison though. Prison isn't a place for a cop-killer. I would probably be dead by now, or worse.
I guess I'm supposed to look at my life and see where I went wrong. And maybe even where I can improve. But as I look at all these fucked up people around me, I don't think I'm doing too bad.
I saw a new medical student today. I could tell she was a student by the look on her face. It was a mixture of fear, loathing, and caring. Most students on their first day think that they can cure everyone here. She really has her work cut out for her. Most of us are beyond saving.
This is all I have to say today. One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day 2:
I tried to talk to Trapper today. I wanted to find out if the rumors were true. I heard that he was part of a suicide pact. Two out of about 8 were successful. I couldn't imagine killing myself. I don't think my life has ever been THAT bad. Although maybe if I wasn't able to see Annabel. Trapper wouldn't talk to me. He doesn't really talk to anyone.
Group got a little out of hand today. Melanie got a hold of a pair of scissors and cut her arm, right there in front of everyone. This was after her and Karl had a fight about who had it worse off. She was so close to her discharge date. It was almost like she didn't want to go home to her kids. I would give anything to see Annabel again.
We then started talk about honesty and truthfulness. It is funny as to who I can fuck with and who I can't. Dr. Williams I could fuck with. I was palming pills all the time. Now with Dr. Linasp I can't. I can't even "cheek" pills with her. And "cheeking" is actually more affective than palming.
I've tried to be truthful and honest, but part of me can't do it. The medication is supposed to help - but it doesn't. They just keep upping it. Today I just feel very doped up and all I want to do is sleep. I'm glad I had a little excitement in group today.
The whole honesty discussion came up because someone stole someone else's smokes. Of course no one would admit to it. How stupid. I can't believe that we waste time in Group on something so trivial.
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day 3:
Dr. Linasp gave me an assignment today. He wants me to write a symbolic letter to my mother. Bullshit. My mom is dead. I'm not going to. She married HIM. She got what she deserved.
No more on that subject. On to others. I saw the new medical student again today. She has yet to talk to me. I think she might be afraid of me. Fear. I love making people feel that way. She did look at me today. I think the look on her face was pity. I don't want her pity. I want her fear.
I wonder what Annabel will feel when I speak with her. I don't want her to fear me. I love her. I would never hurt her. I want to protect her. Protect her from people like me. I don't want her pity either. I'm her father. I just want her love and understanding.
Dr. Linasp would probably try to read something into that. It is the one truth that I can admit to myself. Everything else. everything else.
I'm so tired right now. My head hurts. Maybe I will continue this.tomorrow
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day 4:
New patient today. A bed-wetter too. Thank God he isn't my roommate. Another patient decided that he was a monkey. They had him in restraints faster than I had that policeman's gun. I've been in restraints before. I don't like them. I never want that to happen again.
I tend to keep to myself here. But it is becoming harder with more people around here. Walter keeps trying to interact with me. I try to ignore him. He gets verbally abusive. I usually just tell him to fuck off. Sometimes I wish I could just hit him to shut him up.
Most of the others tend to keep to themselves too. I like that. Except in group. We are expected to talk. I'm learning what they like to hear. I'll continue to say that. Maybe that will get me out sooner. I know that my sentencing said 10 years in a state nuthouse. But if I play the game.
Dr. Linasp mentioned today that he wants me to quit smoking. He even said he would order the patch for me. But I like the five minutes I can spend outside. I can get away from the institutional gray walls that surround me.
I hope Annabel doesn't end up in a place like this. One patient today discussed how her mother had problems and now she has them. I hope Annabel didn't get them from me. But then maybe I wasn't around her enough to influence her. Maybe that is why I'm here.
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day 5:
Dr. Linasp wants to process this fucking journal. I told him to fuck-off. I'm writing in this and no one else is going to read it. Not until I get out of this place. Maybe not even then. I showed him that I actually was writing in it. But he said that wasn't good enough. That we need to discuss it. Damn him. I can't discuss what I'm writing. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm writing.
There was an earthquake near here last night. And after that we got about 7 or 8 new patients. I heard one staff member joke that the earthquake did something to these people's mind control devices. I thought that was actually funny. I might have to use that the next time in group.
A couple of the girls that came in were anorexic. And cutters. I don't understand what they get from cutting themselves. Do they live for the pain?
More people in restraints today. I love watching the staff react to them. It is usually a big production and the most excitement for a day. You could tell it is Friday. The attitude around here was different. Things were more riled up.
I'm looking forward to the weekend. Dr. Linasp promised me that I could take a break from writing in my journal. Maybe that is what I need, a break. I wish I could give my thoughts a break though. Maybe tomorrow.
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day 6:
Monday. I have to write again. Dr. Linasp had a long discussion with me today. He spoke with Jennie over the weekend. He told me that they talked about the chances of me calling Annabel. He said that Jennie wasn't receptive to it at first. But he talked to her about my progress. Maybe I should speak with her first. I could tell her that I'm trying to improve. Trying to get better. Trying.
Some new patients came in over the weekend. I didn't really talk to them. Some others actually got to leave. I know that someday I will get to leave, but it makes me so mad that I've seen these people come and go during my stay here. I think I'm going to be the person that has been here the longest. Maybe they will throw me a party because of that. Or maybe they will just throw a party because I'm gone.
We got a couple 302's over the weekend. I remember the one time I was a 302. As soon as my 5 days were up I was outta that place. I was 16 at the time. I was terrorizing my foster parent's kids. I hadn't done anything different that time. I think they just got sick of trying to keep me under control.
Enough about them. It is a time I would much rather forget. Onto happier thoughts. Thoughts of Annabel. I am going to call her. I am going to do all that I have to do, in order to call her. The sooner the better.
They are calling for lights out. I guess that means that is it for today.
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day 7:
I watched them today. During their treatment team. They talk about us like we don't even exist. They look at our charts and what is written in them. I don't think that they even see us when they are looking at us.
No wonder half the people in here scream and yell and act out. Anything to get attention. Anything to get the staff to notice them. I'm glad they act out. Allows me to slip to the side. To not be noticed. So that in their team meeting they can say that I look good. Because next to everyone else, I am.
There are times though when I do want to scream. When I want to say that I am human and that I'm not just what is written in the charts. I want to see what is written about me in the charts. What I look like on paper.
Theresa went in to talk to them during treatment team today. She said that she is going to go home tomorrow. She is so lucky. She was 302'd and she doesn't want to stay. She says that she won't try to kill herself again. For some reason I believe her. She has a wonderful family to go home to. She will receive much love at home. I wish I had received more love at home.
Well, it is time for dinner now. I will write more tomorrow.
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day 8:
Another new patient today. It has been a busy week with many new patients in and many old patients out. I actually got a roommate today. And Donald took an instant liking to me. He is a talker. He rambled on and on. I tried to block him out, but it just got to be too much.
He talked about how he has been having nightmares. He sees vampires and men with whips in his dreams. He thinks they are trying to kill him. He also sees them trying to kill his wife. He says that he runs away in his dreams.
I finally had to ask him why he was here. He said that he told his wife he wanted to kill her. She brought him here. He said that he hopes he can get better. I just laughed. He asked why I was here. I just told him I wasn't well. Maybe that will give him nightmares too. I certainly hope so.
Other than my new roommate it was a normal day. If living here could be called normal. I went to group. Watched some TV alone in my room. Had lunch. Another group session. Took a nap. Then dinner. Then Artamis had his movement therapy group. I don't know why I went but I did. He did something called progressive relaxation. It was a bunch of bullshit. I felt more hyper when it was over than before it started. Oh well, maybe I won't go again.
Donald is trying to talk to me again. I probably should pay attention to him. After all I have a feeling we are going to be roomies, as he likes to call us, for a long time.
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day 9:
Dr. Linasp wants me to write a letter to Annabel. He feels that it would help to convince Jennie that it would be okay to talk to Annabel. I'll give it a try.
Dear Annabel,
It has been a while since I've seen you. You must be really tall now. And I'm sure that you have lots of wonderful friends. I miss you so much.
I know that I haven't been around in your life. I'm trying to change that. I want to be there for you. To see you grow up. To watch you graduate from high school. To go off to college. To walk you down the aisle.
I remember the first day that I held you in my arms. I wanted to show you the world. You were the first thing in my life that was truly mine. I wanted to hold on to you forever.
Which is when things started to fall apart. I shouldn't tell you this. I should talk about all the things we will do once we are together again. I will take you to the park. And on pony rides. Anything you want to do. Anything that will make you happy. Anything that will make up for all the time I've been gone.
I want you to have a happy childhood. The one that I didn't have. I want us to have a normal life together. Even if your mom won't take me back. I will still be a part of your life. I won't let anyone else get in the way of that.
I love you, Annabel. I always have. I wish I could have told you that more often. A child should hear that everyday. I wish I had heard it every day.
I will see you soon Annabel, and talk to you even sooner. I must go now. But know that I do love you. You are my life.
Dad
That's it. That is all I can write without going out of my mind. It hurts so much that I can't talk to her right now. That I can't hold her in my arms. It hurts.. It hurts..
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day 10:
They upped my meds today. Maybe the fact that I was out of control last night didn't help. Writing that letter last night really made something snap in my mind. I totally lost it. I knew that I shouldn't have. It isn't going to help me to see Annabel any sooner. But I had to get some of that pent up energy out.
I feel so tired now. I don't like these new meds. I tried to cheek them. I got caught. Another infraction. I feel Annabel slipping away from me. I will try to be better today. I must be better today.
I feel like I'm living in a fog. I'm I can't control what my body is doing. And I'm drooling. That is such an indignity. I won't do it again. I won't lose my temper. I won't hit another patient. Please don't make me take these drugs again. I promise.
I need to sleep. To forget last night. To forget today. To know that tomorrow will come sooner. To know that I can see Annabel again. To talk to Dr. Linasp. To prove to him that I am getting better. I'm going to sleep now. To forget.
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day 11:
Dr. Maloney called me over the weekend. He wanted to check on my progress. I have him to thank for getting me in here. He calls me about once a month to be sure that I'm doing okay. I really don't talk that much to him. I really don't have much to say. I guess I should thank him someday. He did speak on my behalf. I could have ended up in prison, but he made sure that I got the help he thinks I need. I told him I might be able to talk to Annabel soon. He seemed very unsure of this. I told him that I was getting better. I also told him about my little set back, but that I was really improving.
I had refused my medications over the weekend. They ended up injecting them to keep me calm. I felt like a human pincushion. I talked with Dr. Linasp today though and he decided that he would decrease me medications because I was more compliant at the lower dose. He said that the staff said I had a good weekend. I wasn't angry with the other patients and I wasn't violent. I was just a little argumentative about taking my meds. Dr. Linasp said that since it was an increased dose that this wasn't that big of an infraction. He even discussed me possibly calling Annabel next weekend.
I'm really excited about all of this. I'm going to be good this week. I'm not going to do anything wrong. I'll do anything that anyone tells me to do. I'm not going to mess this up. I can't mess this up. I'm too close. Too close to hearing her voice. To telling her that I love her.
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day 12:
Dr. Linasp and I spoke today about my letter to Annabel. I finally let him read it. He said that it was very insightful. He thinks that my therapy is coming along. He says I still need to finish my sentence here, but that I am coming along. He gave me some goals to work for this week. He wants me to be able to control more of the anger I feel when I begin to discuss personal feelings.
I don't know why that is so hard for me. I've just always been unable to discuss those things. I think it is one of the reasons that Jennie and I didn't last. I didn't tell her I loved her enough. I didn't really talk to her much at all now that I think about it.
I trying the breathing exercises that I'm supposed to do whenever I feel like acting out. They work. For a little bit. At least until I can get my mind onto other things. I supposed to keep track of how often I do them, but I lost count today.
There was a major fiasco today. Charles was supposed to start to transition to the outside world tomorrow. He threw a fit today. It was almost like he didn't want to go out there. Like he didn't want his freedom. I guess he isn't leaving tomorrow.
I whistled at the med student today. She was walking past me while I was eating lunch. I couldn't resist the urge. And I knew that no one was really looking. She ignored me. That is probably what they told her to do. I'll just have to try again some other time.
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day 13:
We got a new patient named Candi today. In group today she was telling us about her family. Boy are they fucked up. He mom had a sex change so that now her mom is her dad. And then her mom married her uncle's wife. So that means that her stepbrothers and stepsisters are really her cousins. Now isn't that fucked? No wonder she is here. I almost wanted to make sure that she was a woman.
We also had a lot of new people come in throughout the night. Some of them have been here before. It is sorta nice to see them again. Although I'm sure that some of the staff can't stand that. I watched the med student today. She would usually leave around noon and go somewhere. I assumed that she would leave for lunch because she would always be back in about an hour. Today she didn't even leave. She seemed frazzled. Like everything had come falling down on her. I wonder if she knew that med school would be like this.
I'm half way to the weekend. I didn't get a chance to talk to Dr. Linasp today, so I'm not sure if I can call Annabel. I'm hoping that I can. Maybe we can talk about it tomorrow. I'm praying to God, if there is a God, that I can talk to Annabel.
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day 14:
I had a funny experience today. I've occasionally heard to the staff refer to the Green Roof Inn. I could never figure out what they were talking about. I was outside today, they allowed us to get a breath of fresh air and I looked up at the roof of the building. It is green. So I guess this place is the Green Roof Inn. I like that. Makes it seem more like I'm not in a nut house. Although these nuts around me remind me of it every day.
I liked the fresh air today. It did smell like rain though. I like falling asleep to the sound of the rain on the green roof. It seems to soothe me. I've been having some trouble sleeping at night. Maybe it is the thought of being able to call Annabel soon.
No new people today. It was nice to look around group and know all the faces. It actually makes group run better. We all know everyone's problems. Or at least the problems that people talk about.
I didn't get a chance to talk to Dr. Linasp today, although I did see him in his office when I walked by. I like that I don't have to talk to him every day. He asks me questions that I don't know the answers to. Or maybe I do know the answers and I just don't want to think about them.
It is time for dinner now. The food here isn't half-bad. Although I do get cravings every once in a while. Like right now I really could go for a pizza. Maybe we can convince the staff to have a pizza party this weekend. Something to think about.
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day 15:
Shelly was telling me today that her dead mom talks to her. She says that her mom died about 5 years ago. I asked her what her mom says. To hurt herself is what she said. She has marks all over her arms. I guess she was in restraints last night. I was asleep so I don't know if that is true. Shelly also says that she cheeks her meds because she is afraid that if she takes them her mom won't talk to her.
She got me thinking. I hear voices sometimes. But I never do what they tell me to do. I can't even say that it is my dead mom. It is just a voice. I can't even remember what it tells me to do. And it doesn't happen all that often. Maybe the medications are helping me not to hear them. Maybe I should stop the meds and see.
I can't stop the meds. I have to be good so that I can call Annabel. Dr. Linasp set it up so that I can call her on Tuesday of next week. It seems so far away, but it is only 4 more days. I can't wait. I feel like I'm walking on air. Maybe after I talk to her I will try not taking my meds. Not much to look forward to after I talk to her. Unless I can make it a weekly thing. I'd probably even settle a monthly thing. I guess I'll just have to wait until to Tuesday to see how it goes.
Tonight is movie night on the ward. I have no idea what movies they got for us. I saw a commercial for the new movie Hannibal. Maybe they will let us watch Silence of the Lambs. No that guy was psycho. They probably wouldn't let us watch it. It would probably scare too many of the people on the ward. The will probably make us watch some Disney movie. But then it would give me something to talk to Annabel about.
Well, I smell popcorn, so it means the movie is starting. And then it will be lights out.
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day 16:
One more day. One more day and I can call Annabel. I feel like I've won a small victory in this war that rages in my head.if I can just survive one more day of this battle. This weekend seemed to drag on forever. And so does today. That is why I'm writing now. It takes me a while to get my thoughts onto paper. So maybe this will kill some time and make the day go faster.
I am panicky as to what is going to happen tomorrow. I have no idea what to say to her. I do know that I will tell her I love her and that I miss her and hopefully someday soon we can see each other. And hopefully she will want to see me. I just can't believe that the day is almost here.
I've been telling every person that I see that I'm going to call Annabel tomorrow. The staff tells me what a good job I've been doing. And that they are proud that I've held it together. Some mention my little setback, but most say that those are expected. Half the patients here don't care what I'm doing. But it just feels so good to be able to tell people.
I haven't told Dr. Linasp yet, but I would also like to say hi to Jennie. I want to tell her that I understand why we didn't last. And I want to convince her that maybe we could get back together someday. Dr. Linasp would probably say that that is too much to ask for, too big a step to take. But I might just try.
Dr. Linasp told me today that he will be in the room with me while I speak with Annabel. He said that he just wants to be sure that I'm going to be okay and not get out of hand after the call. I'm sure we are going to discuss the phone call after it occurs. I don't care. I'm just going to be able to call Annabel. I really can't wait. I wish it was today.
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel. And one more day until I can hear her voice.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day 17:
I can't believe it is over. It just went so fast. Too fast. I'm sad that it is over. The good news is though; Dr. Linasp feels that this may become a monthly thing. He said that it went very well and that I handled myself appropriately.
I can't remember anything that we talked about though. I wanted to remember every word. I can't. I remember telling her that I loved her. I remember her saying that school was good. And that she has a new best friend. But that is it. I can't even remember her new best friend's name.
I don't even remember how long we talked. Dr. Linasp said that is was about 15 minutes. It didn't seem that long. It seemed so short, and yet it seemed like an eternity. I didn't get a chance to talk to Jennie. Maybe next time.
I want to talk to Annabel again. I've thought of 100 different things I want to tell her now. And I want to remember this conversation. I wish I had taped it. That way I could hear her voice again. I bet she has grown so much since I last saw her. I wonder if she looks more like Jennie or more like me. I hope she looks like Jennie. Jennie was so beautiful. I'm sure that she still is.
I don't know how I'm going to survive the rest of the evening. Maybe I should just try to go to sleep. I probably won't be able to sleep. I know that I'm so hyped up right now. I almost feel like I've taken a drug to get high, although I know I haven't. I almost wish I could bottle this feeling and keep it with me forever.
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day 18:
I guess I finally did sleep last night. I still can't believe that yesterday is over. I think that parts of our conversation are coming back to me. I now remember that Annabel's new friend's name is Karin. She also told me about her school. I remember telling her that I loved her and that I missed her and that I couldn't wait to see her.
I remember asking her about Jennie. She told me that mommy was doing well. Before we said goodbye she did tell me that she loved me. Those words meant so much to me. To know that she loves me even though we haven't spent a lot time together.
Dr. Linasp and I spoke today. He asked me if I was ready to write the letter to my mom. I told him I would think about it. He seems to think that since I spoke with Annabel I would want to work on getting better. Part of me does what this, but part of me thinks that what happened with mom has nothing to do with how I am today.
There seems to be a lot less people around here now. It seems like everyone is going home. Someday that will be me. Home. I guess I'm going to have to find a place. Maybe they will find an apartment for me, or set me up somewhere. Hopefully I'll be able to get a job so that I can start providing for Annabel. Maybe I can get visitation or maybe even custody. That is something to look forward to now. It just seemed that after the phone call I didn't have anything else to look forward to on the short-term. But now some things are becoming clearer.
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day 19:
Dr. Linasp asked about my mom again today. I told him I didn't want to talk about her. He can't hold calling Annabel over my head anymore. Dr. Linasp just nodded his head and said okay. And then as I was walking out the door he told me he didn't need to see me again until I was ready to talk.
Fuck him!!!!!!!! Read to talk.Bull Shit. I don't want to talk about mom. I don't even want to think about her. I can't deal.I can't.I just can't.
The childhood I want to remember was the happy one. The one before he showed up. The one where it was just mom and me and no one else. The one where she loved just me. The childhood where I was happy and on Saturdays we went to the park. The happy, normal childhood that everyone had. The childhood that I want Annabel to have. The childhood that I will provide for her once I'm out of here.
I'll show Dr. Linasp. I don't need to talk to him every day. I don't need to open up to him. I don't need to open up to anyone. I don't need his approval. I don't need anyone's approval. I just have to count down the days until I'm out of here. And then I'll show them. I'll show them that I'm okay.
Hell, I don't even need to continue to write in this journal.
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day 20:
I've heard it said on this ward that if you do something for 21 days it becomes a habit. Maybe that is why I'm writing in here tonight. It is habit. It isn't something I need. It is just something that I do. I would probably call this a bad habit.
I stayed in my room all day today. I didn't even go out for meals. I'm a little hungry, but that is something I've dealt with before. It's no big deal. I've dealt with a lot of things before. I'm still dealing with a lot things.
They'll probably put me on sick protocol for the weekend. I'll get food trays, mostly liquid stuff. They'll make me stay in my room. They won't know that this is exactly what I want. At least for this weekend. All I want to do is be alone.
To be alone and to think about Annabel. To think about all the things I'm going to do with her when I get out of here. The things that I did when I was younger. The things I did with mom.when she was alive. Before he showed up. Before.
Annabel's life is going to be different. I'm going to make sure of it. Make sure that she has everything she wants.
My head hurts. I don't want to think anymore. I've thought too much this week. I just need sleep. Sleep that has been so elusive. Maybe I'll get some tonight. Finally.
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day 21:
I spent the entire weekend in my room. Matt got a group together to go to the mall. He's one of the workers here. I should've gone with him, but I didn't. He's the one that helps with writing rsum's and reading want ads and things like that. I really need to work with him if I ever want to get that job and be able to get custody of Annabel.
I know that I am isolating. I just want to be alone. I did go to group today, but I didn't say anything. I don't know what to say. Everything is welling up inside and I know it is threatening to come out, but I have to do everything in my power to stop that. I'm afraid of what will happen if it does come out. My past experiences of that weren't always the greatest. It is one of the reasons I ended up here. I have to learn to control these thoughts. I don't want to hurt Annabel. If I don't control these thoughts I just might hurt her. And I really don't want to do that. She's so young and innocent. I don't want to ruin that. To ruin her innocence.
There were a few new patients in group today. I guess they came in over the weekend. I had never left my room, so I never heard them. And I guess they didn't put any of them in with me. None of them are real interesting cases. Two of them were suicidal thoughts. They were both brought in by their families. Actually, one of them is a female. She has a long history of drug use. LSD, mushrooms, alcohol, Ecstasy, and marijuana. She's got a lot of problems. Look who's talking. Like I can judge. I've got plenty of my own problems. At least I'm not addicted to anything like that.
I probably should go out to the TV room tonight. I'm afraid that they won't let me talk to Annabel again if I don't shape up. I need to do this. I need to pull it together.
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day 22:
I went to art therapy today. I like Artamis, the group leader. He is easy to talk to, and he seems like he actually cares. He is great at helping people gain insight just from their drawings. I try not to draw anything revealing. I usually just doodle. But he doesn't seem to mind if that is all I do. Maybe he can see something in my doodles. I sure can't.
He did ask me today if anything was bothering me. I told him no. I told him I was just a little tired and that maybe I was coming down with something. He said that I just didn't seem like myself. I told him thanks for caring. I actually like him. I think he does genuinely care about me. About all of us here. Probably more than any of the other staff I could go to him with my problems. If I knew exactly what those problems were.
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day 23:
Tried to talk to Dr. Linasp today. He asked if I was ready to talk about my mom. I told him no. He said that we really didn't have anything to talk about. I asked him if he could maybe up my meds, because I thought I was getting used to them. Or that they were no longer working. He said he would try something. But we would have to do it tomorrow since I already had my meds today. I hope it works. I still have all these thoughts and emotions running wild in my mind. I want them to calm done. To stop.
I'm afraid of what they will make me do. I don't think I will hurt myself. I don't think I will hurt someone else. I don't want to hurt anyone, but if these thoughts don't stop I probably will. And it will probably be myself. But I have to be strong. For Annabel. I want to talk to her again. I want to see her. I need to be strong for her.
I dreamt about her last night. That I had never left Jennie and that we were all a big happy family. We were on a picnic. The sun was shining and we were all happy. And then I woke up. It was the best dream I ever had. Maybe it will come true. I want it too.
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day 24:
I had a nightmare last night. I was holding Annabel and then they came to take me away. And Annabel stood there and cried and I kept reaching for her, but she kept getting further and further away. I told her not to cry that I would be back for her. But she couldn't hear me. But there was someone else in my dream. A man. I didn't know who he was, but he said that he would take care of her. But then Annabel turned into a little boy. And the man smiled and turned and walked away. I tried to scream, but my voice didn't work. I woke up in a cold sweat. I couldn't go back to sleep.
The dream bothered me the rest of today. I wish I could figure out who the man was. I talked to Artamis about it. He told me that I was probably worried that someone else would be a father figure to Annabel. I guess that could be it. Although I don't know. Something really disturbed me.
Some more people got to go home today. Walter finally went home. I don't think that he is better, but I guess I'm not the doctor. I wish I was the doctor. That way I could I could say that I was okay to go home and be able to see Annabel. And that way my dream wouldn't come true.
I'm sorta afraid to go to sleep tonight. I don't want another dream. But I 'm tired. I'm not just sleepy tired, I'm just tired all over. My body is tired. My mind is tired. I can't go on anymore today.
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day 25:
Artamis talked with me today. He said that it would be good if I wrote my life story into my journal. I told him that it wasn't that interesting. And he said to write it anyway. So here it goes.
I was born. I really don't remember much of my first few years. I remember my mom. She loved me. We used to go for walks in the park, and spend a lot of time together. I remember seeing other kids with their dads, and so I would ask her. She would say that I didn't need a dad because she loved me more than those kids' moms and dads combined. I believed her. I loved her so much too.
And then he showed up. He took my mom away from me. I remember the night I heard him say that he loved her. And she said it right back to him. I wanted to scream that she was only allowed to love me. That I didn't want a dad in my life. I wanted it to be just her and me like it was. But I kept my mouth shut. We still went to the park and did things like we used to do, but he was always with us.
And then he started doing things alone with me. Just him and me. Things that he told me I couldn't tell mom about. Things that made me feel funny. Things that I really didn't want to do. I wanted to tell mom, but I was afraid that she wouldn't love me anymore. That she would love only him. I wanted him dead.
And then mom told me that I would have dad. That they were going to get married. I asked her about all the love that she had for me. She said that the love was still there and that she had love for him too. And that he loved me too. So there was a whole lot of love to go around. But I hated him. And at that point I hated her too. I wanted them both dead.
And then one night after the wedding.After they stuck the little boy in the back where he couldn't see.he heard noises coming from their bedroom. He sneaked in. He saw them in bed together. Doing what he had done to the little boy. The little boy went back to his room and cried.
The next day he told his mom what the man had done to him. And she cried. The boy's mother cried. And she held him and told him everything would be okay. He no longer wanted her dead. Just the man. And then his mom kissed him and told him to go to bed. He went to sleep and dreamed happy dreams of just him and his mom, doing all the things they used to do.
But then he woke up. He went to the kitchen expecting the pancakes that he loved, but his mom wasn't there. There was a policeman there. And his aunt was there. Maybe it is Christmas the boy thought, that was when his aunt came to visit. But he knew it wasn't Christmas, if it was they forgot to put up the tree. And his aunt tells him to sit down. That something has happened. The little boy asks for his mom. They tell him that he can't have his mom. His mom is dead. The little boy starts to cry. He feels like his wish had come true, but it isn't the wish he wanted to come true. He hadn't wished that wish yesterday. The little boy wanted him dead, not his mom. The policeman tells him that the man is going to jail for a long time. And that the little boy is going to live with his aunt.
And then the little boy moves in with his aunt. And he starts going to counseling because of the way he is acting. And he grows older. And soon he is in the hospital because he hurt his aunt during an argument and he punched holes in the walls. And then his aunt doesn't want him living with her any more. So the little boy goes to what they called a foster home. But it wasn't good there. The little boy was no longer little, and the foster mother loved him in a way that the boy remembers his own mother and the man loving each other. So the boy runs away. And he learns to live on the streets. But the boy is smart, and people tell him so. He wants to better his life. He knows that he can.
So then I join the Marines. I was stationed in San Diego. It was a hard life. No harder than the previous one, though, just different. More conformity. Things I'd never had in my previous life. A bed time, a wake up time, a specific time to eat. Hell, before, I slept when I was tired, got up when I wasn't and ate when I was hungry, if I could find food. I wasn't used to all of this. I wound up in the brig many a time because I didn't follow orders or my temper got away from me. And I had nightmares. Nightmares that it was my fault that my mother died. I saw her die in my dreams. I killed her in my dreams.
And so I was discharged from the Marines. And walking around the streets of San Diego I met Jennie. And she was beautiful and smart and nice she loved me and I loved her. The next thing I know I'm asking her to marry me and then Annabel comes along. And for the first time since my mom died I'm happy.
But then the arguing started. Jennie wanted me out of the house. I didn't want to leave Annabel, but I figured if I left for a little bit that Jennie would calm down and everything would be okay. So a friend from the Marines asked me to help him do something in Florida. So I went with him. I didn't know exactly what he wanted me to do, but I went anyway. And things went downhill from there. We got into some illegal things, and the next thing I know the cop is dead.
So I ran. I've been on the run ever since. I headed back to California. Thinking that maybe if I got back to Jennie that things would be okay. But she had moved, and I couldn't find her. And then I got caught. And the whole thing in the Psych ward happened. And that is how I ended up here.
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Day ??:
I no longer know what day it is. Everything has become one big blur. In and out of restraints. Nights become days, days become nights. People come and go. I can't seem to focus on anything. I sleep. I dream, or maybe the stuff really happens. I can't..
They took my journal away from me. That is why I don't know what day it is. Or part of the reason. They tell me that after I wrote in it the last time that I freaked out. They say that they found me curled in a ball, rocking back and forth. I wouldn't let them touch me. I guess I lashed out at them. I didn't mean to hurt them. I really didn't. I don't remember any of it. All I know is that I was in restraints. They drugged me too. I remember the needles. They said I needed to calm down.
I remember Dr. Linasp talking to me. He said that he had read my journal. That we would talk. That he would help me. That it wasn't my fault. I was in a haze. It almost felt like the first time I smoke marijuana. Like I wasn't me. Or more like I was watching what was happening to me. I remember trying to ask him what happened to me, but my mouth didn't seem to work. He told me to get some rest and that we would talk the next day.
I must have slept. I don't remember. But I do remember the young med student coming into the room. She walked over to me and told me good-bye.
And she wished me lots of luck, and said that she hoped that I saw Annabel soon. I thought that maybe it was a dream. But I haven't seen her since. She must have really left.
I could see Dr. Linasp's office from the room where I was restrained. I saw a young girl go into the office and Dr. Linasp shut the door. She was too young to be a patient here. I wondered who she was. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep some more. Maybe to dream of my Annabel. I opened my eyes to find the young girl staring at me. I could feel my breath stop, and maybe even my heart. I tried to speak. But I couldn't. I started crying after she walked away. She had said something to me. Something that I will never forget. Something that drives me everyday now. Daddy, get better. I want you to come home. It was her. It was HER!!!! My Annabel. They brought her here.
She snapped me out of my haze. I screamed for Dr. Linasp after she was gone. He came into the room. I asked him if it was her. He said that it was. That he wanted to talk to her about her childhood. He said that she had asked to see me. My heart broke at that moment. I hadn't wanted her to see me like this. Especially tied up like an animal.
I knew I had to get better. For her. For me. I told Dr. Linasp I was ready to get better. He nodded and said that he understood. He said it would be a long road. That what happened in my past had seriously affected me. But that I could work through it, now that I had set my mind to it.
And I have. That occurred a few days ago. Like I said before. I don't remember much. I'm starting to gain control now. I haven't been in restraints lately. I've been going to groups. I've been talking more.
Dr. Linasp let me read my last journal entry. The story of my life. He asked me questions about it. He said that he would start out with easy questions, but that they would get harder, that they would have to if I wanted to get better. To understand what was going on in my mind.
I read and was shocked. He asked me who the little boy was. I couldn't answer. He asked if I understood that I was the little boy. I told him that I guessed I was. I'm still trying to understand that. Why did I say I was the little boy? Almost everywhere else in the story I was myself. Dr. Linasp explained that that was something we were going to work through.
He also said that I no longer needed to write in my journal, unless I wanted to. I've had too much to think about these past few days. I don't think I can write much down anymore. I'm having a hard enough time sorting it out in my mind. Maybe someday I will write again. Or maybe when something is too hard for me to think through. Maybe.
One last thing. I am going to be able to talk to Annabel again soon. To tell her that I'm getting better. To tell her that I love her. And what a beautiful young girl she has turned into. To thank her. She is what has pulled me through my darkest nights.
So this is it. For now.
One more day closer to my release. One more day closer to being able to see Annabel. One more day closer to being free. Free from everything that has haunted me in my past and free of this place. On more day closer to being me.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
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