Croce E Delizia Del Cor
by Krysia Korsakova
Rated: M for naughty language
Summary: Not this time. Just read the story
Disclaimer: Sssh, they think they're mine. And they're delicate
Spoilers: Big fat Existence spoilers. Also RATB and Ascension, I believe. And possibly Tunguska
Author's Notes: Again a big kiss for Shahara. This has been hanging around on my HD gathering dust for over a month, but she gave me the courage to post.
Warning: Un-betaed and stream of consciousness a la Finding Forrester. "Just start typing. Let your fingers find the rhythm. Don't think." Or sommat like that. Death, gloom and doom. Just a waltz through my brain.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And I kissed him.
But what did you expect, Scully?
Even you were never immune to his charms.
Yes, he was charming. Green sparks of fire in summer sun and a smile to light a million homes.
Warmth spilled from his soul, unchilled by the Devil I worked for.
Yes, Scully, I kissed him.
No, I'm not insane. Unless love is a madness, after all.
I loved him, and though you won't believe this, he loved me. We always hurt the ones we love.
I hurt him far more than he ever hurt me. Blows and words I've heard a thousand times before. What was that compared with the betrayal of his trust?
He trusted me, Dana, just like he trusted you. But I'm not brave like you; I'm a fucking coward.
I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry. I gave you to themI thoughtI don't know what I thought.
It was just after I kissed him. The first time, that is. We were in an underground garage. He slipped on something - you know how clumsy he always was - and fell against me. His eyes met mine and mirrored them exactly. I read desire and just leant forwards, bumping his chin with my nose.
It was awkward, and furtive and clumsy and like nothing I had ever experienced. I was floating and on fire. And then he stopped and pushed me away. Said he should call you. I've never felt jealousy like that before or since.
I'm not trying to make excuses, Dana. I just need one person in the world to think I'm not evil incarnate.
See, I've done a lot of things in my time which could hardly be described as saintly. But recently I've started getting into this whole save the world jag. After all, I have to live here.
And I kissed him.
The second time. I had Fox Mulder inside my skin. I still do. I fell in love with him, and it was the worst thing I could possibly have done.
You saw what he did to me. You never saw the other stuff. You never saw what I did for him, what I lost because of him. But it doesn't matter. None of it really matters. If I had to, I would do it all over again, let him make me his own whipping boy.
The second time I kissed him was in Russia. Well, Russian airspace to be exact. He fell asleep next to me, and he looked so lost that I just leant down and pressed my mouth to his. Fireworks. Technicolour Disney ones, exploding in my head, and then I nearly stopped breathing. He kissed me back. So sweet, so tender. Woke up properly and called me Alex for the first time in years.
Except that I blew it. My past caught up with me and I had nowhere to run. How do you hide fromyourself, Dana? How do you look at yourself in the mirror when you start to remember things you buried so deep you thought they could never be found?
Mulder found them. I had to put the distance between us then - I couldn't have faced him after he saw Aleksandr. Aleksandr died more than twenty years ago, and I buried him with my father. He has to stay buried,.
So I kissed him.
A third and final time. He lost his faith and I went to remind him of the stakes. I pressed my lips to his cheek, revelling in the spicy scent of his aftershave, gave him my gun and left.
It was goodbye.
Oh, we ran into each other again. But I had to let him go. There were more important things to think of by then. And he could never have wanted me anyway.
Y'know, there's a lot in here I never really meant to tell you. But I need you to know something.
Because he kissed me.
After he came back from the dead. I gave him the vaccine, Dana, you have to believe me. I tried.
But that wasn't Mulder. When he kissed me, there was nothing.
I wish it had been me who had died. At least then I wouldn't feel so empty. Perhaps I did and this is hell.
The rebels need me to kill Mulder. A thousand lives, Dana. Yours might be one of them.
Please don't think badly of me. Remember I tried.
I'm sorry.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Scully reread the letter, which had been slipped into her pocket in a moment of inattention. Folding it neatly, she put it back between the pages of Mulder's diary.
Her eye was caught by the passage underlined. "He thinks he can hide from me. I wish he could; it would be easier. But we'll never be apart, not really. Even death cannot hold us apart. If he died, I would reach up to the stars and tear them from the sky. I would follow him even into Hell. Life without him would be eternal torment. He is my everything, my truth."
It had been written just before Mulder's abduction from Oregon.
In her mind, she compared that passage with Skinner's account of Krycek's death. With the lack of reaction Mulder had shown. Remembered all the other little anomalies.
Green blood curled around the slender blade, as Mulder's features melted. Scully stared at the sky, fighting the tears that threatened. Castor and Pollux gazed impassively back, together in the heavens for all eternity.
Scully walked back to her car. William would be waking up soon, and he'd wonder where she was.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
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