Five Things That Never Happen To Frank Colohan
by Amazon X
Rated: T
Pairing: Frank Colohan, NYPD Blue
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1. I did not cheat at bowling in the sixth grade. I won that trophy fair and square. The old man took me bowling every weekend, since that was something you could do sitting down and drinking beer the whole time. I guess when he screamed and cursed at me, it built character, even though everyone else at the lanes was staring. I didn't fudge my score, it was real. And when I brought that trophy home it was the only time the old man was ever proud of me.
2. I didn't steal that bike in grade school. It was just sitting there. No lock, no nameplate, no identifiers at all! How was I supposed to know it was the kid's from around the corner?. Maybe if he put some marks on it, I'd have known. And it wasn't like I didn't give it back and apologize. I didn't deserve that beating. The old man was way out of line, that time. And Mom...she just stood there and watched...
3. I didn't peep on my sister's friends at that slumber party. I wasn't looking, not really. I mean, it's not like they were having a lesbian orgy or anything. I was just in the tree house, listening. They had good music on. I just wanted to hear the music. The old man told me he couldn't trust me so he made me sleep in the basement, with my sleeping bag. Yeah, OK, they were a couple years younger than me, but...I just...I wanted to know what it sounded like to have a bunch of friends over your house to hang out. Mom forced Dad to stay in their room downstairs all night, and shock of shocks, he did. Although, I think she slipped him a mickey, which wouldn't surprise me. She started doing that just before I ran away that last time. It helped, but...not enough. And the beating he gave me...forget it.
4. I didn't cheat on that test. I don't care what that little whore said. She was cheating off me. Yeah, OK, so, she gave me a blowjob in the parking lot, behind the big truck at the back. Everyone went there to get some. Just because she sucked me off doesn't mean I let her see my history answers. I knew that test backwards and forwards. Not because I stole a copy, but because I was good at history. It was the only thing I was good at when I was a kid. Besides bowling. Too bad I couldn't learn from it. That was the night I left. The old man beat me so bad, he broke my arm. My right arm. Tore two tendons in my shoulder. Doctor called social services and they put me in a group home until it healed. The day they took the cast off was the last time anyone in my family knew for sure where I was, until I got married. Mom liked Michelle. We should have stayed at Mom's house, but no, Michelle wanted to be near her sister.
5. I did not kill my wife. I know, it looks like I did, I was really bad to her, and I deserve to be in jail. But I didn't beat her that badly. What no one knew was I didn't have sex with her that morning. The stupid lawyer told me to keep my trap shut and just plead out. Yeah, plead out, my ass. I didn't screw Michelle, so they should be looking for someone who raped her. Yeah, no one mentioned that, right? And they should have asked me if I could swing my arm up that high to hit her, because I can't. When the old man broke my arm and tore the tendons, he made it so that I couldn't swing my arm up any more. No more bowling, no more throwing a ball, no more swinging a bat. No throwing high punches like the ones that killed Michelle. No, I didn't kill her. Once I get my papers together, I'm gonna call for a review of the case. I'm trying to get my paralegal degree in here. Something to do, right? Yeah, I'll do that, and then I'll get my baby back. And name her Marjorie, after my mom.
The End
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