The Ghost In My Head
by Krysia Korsakova
Disclaimer: Well, *technically* he's dead. So they got no more claim on my sweet Alex.
Rated: T
Author's Notes: Unbeta'ed and written in under 30 minutes, so please stick to the path. Song is by Duran Duran and came to light when searching for songs for the OTRPG Musical - still unnamed
Spoilers: This is Alex--quel surprise--in the period when Mulder was abducted
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have to forget you. That's what I keep telling myself.
Of course, I never listen. See, that's what got me into trouble in the first place. You, in my head.
Yeah, you're in here. Strolling round like you fucking own the place. You slouch in my easy chair and watch those weird films. You use me every night, just like you used to for real.
And that's what keeps me coming back. Hearing your voice, that flat drone I find so irritatingly sexy, in the back of my head. Like I got a piece of you in there.
Like you're not dead, after all. Like you're still here, ready to shoot me down with one of those deadpan rejoinders you're so fond of.
Christ, will you listen to me? Is it any wonder they think I'm getting soft, huh, Mulder? I gotta stop that.
You're dead. They took you to kill you. Even if I never saw the body, you're dead. You can't hear me like I hear you. Can you?
Want to know how I can be so sure? Your voice is louder than it ever used to be. Time was, I could ignore it, could ignore *you*. But now you're always there, inviting me to pull up a seat and watch the game.
It's all just memories, working through the grief and the guilt, displaced emotion psycho-babble bull. That's what I keep telling myself.
But I can't quite let you go, even though I should. And you won't leave even when I beg.
I'm scared, Mulder. I'm scared that you're what gets me up in the morning, keeps me juiced enough to survive. That without you I'd have nothing, and then I'd *really* be nothing. Less than nothing.
So I take one step forward and two steps back. I don't think about you for five minutes, and then I share a beer with you while we reminisce about old times. Sometimes you want to hit me, and then I let you. Other times you want to kiss me, and that's good too.
And I know I should let you go. But youre here in the back of my mind. Ghost in my head, haunting me with memories that never happened.
I'll turn around and leave now. I'll lock the door and never come in this part of my mind again.
Still, you never know when I might need to springclean. So I'll just put this key right here. I'll never need it, will I?
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Out of My Mind by Duran Duran
Light a candle Lay flowers at the door For those who were left behind And the ones whove gone before But here it comes now Sure as silence follows rain The taste of you upon my lips The fingers in my brain Ever gentle as it kills me where I lay Who am I to resist? Who are you to fail?
Got to get you out of my mind But I cant escape from the feeling As I try to leave the memory behind Without you whats left to believe in?
And I could be so sorry For the way it had to go But now I feel your presence In a way I could not know And I wonder Do you ever feel the same In whispering darkness Do you ever hear my name?
Got to get you out of my mind But I cant escape from the feeling As I try to leave the memory behind Without you, whats left to believe in?
How could you dare To become so real When youre just a ghost to me
And Ive got to get you out of my mind But I cant escape from the feeling As I try to leave the memory behind Without you, whats left to believe in?
Here in the back of my mind
Deep in the back of my mind
The End
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
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