Illegal Aliens, by Ursula

Illegal Aliens

by Ursula

Pairing: Everybody

Rated: A, humor

Series: Only in the sense that that these demented things all just pop out of the same nowhere land.

Disclaimer: X-Files characters belong to Chris Carter, Fox TV etc al. All other characters are borrowed for satire and belong to the original writers, producers and artists.

Author's Notes: Not Available on Cliff Notes; take your own

Summary: Not Politically correct! I was listening to pin heads rant on TV show about illegal aliens while reading posts about Mulder and this happened.

Warning: The smooth side of your keyboard is NOT a giant touch pad.

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Returned to life and Earth by the fundamental magic of the universe (Script writers), Mulder woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed. Thank God, a little dose of the Alien Anti-Venom Scully had invented cured both conditions although the beams of light might have been handy the next time CC trotted out the underground slime-in-the-creepy-dark- place routine. The bushy fox tail however cute really had to go; it ruined the cut of his Od-Mani knockoff designer suit.

Straightening the collar and chain he seemed to be wearing in place of a tie, ( He must have been out on a Discipline!Mulder story recently.), Mulder checked himself out in the magic mirror.

"Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest agent of them all?" Mulder chanted.

"You are by far, oh princely one, but watch, oh Mulder, Surfer-boy does think thee not!"

The hell with him then, Mulder thought, to hell with them all. He didn't need them. They were all just jealous of all of his action.

But it was a new day and he was eager to get to work. Sure, Doggett would there, practicing steely eyed but caring looks in the mirror, pinning his Marine medals into his bare chest, and dropping hints that HE too had lost someone special (Arnold, Arnold, wherefore out thou, Arnold?)

Still, it was his desk and he was the senior agent on the X Files. He looked forward to seeing Scully, Kim, and maybe tackling Walter in the hallway. He might even find Krycek lurking around in the garage, waiting to be thrown over a car, and taken for a quick ride. Life was good. He was the star.

However, Doggett was not in the office. In fact, Mulder had to back track in his steps and to his shock, Doggett was the scruffy looking homeless man who had offered to wash his windshield at the intersection. The man looked terrible. Patches of metal shone through his torn overcoat and pawn slips for all his medals hung out of his shredded pockets.

Handing the man a handful of dollar coins, Mulder asked, "Doggett, what happened?"

Dolefully, Doggett said, "Last hired, first fired, so much for veteran's preference. Mulder, don't go back there...you can't handle the truth."

"I can too!" Mulder said, "Damn Krycek keeps telling everyone that. Don't they know he has a lisp? The idiot is trying to say, tooth, tooth, there is no tooth...so I got a little happy with the butt of my gun. The cap looks great. No one notices!"

Scully wasn't in the office either. A cardboard box sat outside his office with his nameplate, a lifetime supply of sunflower seeds, and a half used kilo of condoms flowed over the sides.

At a very small desk sat a tiny black faced creature in a helmet. His nameplate said, "Marvin The Martian" and the creature tapped his feet impatiently and said, "Yeah, yeah, Bugs, so a non con tonight and then for some BDSM action with Fudd. Ditch the duck though. He smells fowl."

Shooting Mulder a look, the alien lobbed a paper airplane at him. It hit Mulder right over the heart. Unfolding it, the paper said, "Fox W. Mulder, terminated for being over budget and absent with out leave."

Running down the halls of the Hoover, Mulder saw no one he knew. Gray Aliens ran the mailroom and the copy center was run by alien clones. Kim's desk was occupied by a huge female Alien, which was busily building a cocoon around a struggling woman with black hair who wore a tee shirt that said, "My Daddy runs hell and all I got was this tee shirt."

Walter was in his office...thank God, but as Mulder went around his desk, he found that, before the pant less AD on its knees, was a cute blue moppet like alien. No wait, it had no knees. It sat on a glob of flesh and wore a crown with the name, Rigel, written on it. Walter looked bored and was staring off into the Far Scape...

Caught, Walt shrugged and mouthed, "Sharon...alimony! Couldn't afford to quit."

Screaming, Mulder ran to Scully's apartment. She was his touchstone, his guiding light! You wouldn't believe how much that saved on the electricity bill...

Bursting in through the revolving door that a kindly writer had installed so Scully could be abducted with less lost time, Mulder plowed into her living room and found her singing sweetly just as she used to do to him. Her breasts were bare and at her nipples nursed a two-headed baby. One head looked a lot like the aliens and the other was puffing on a Morley between sips.

"Shh, they mustn't be upset," Scully said, "Now what do you need now? I cried...I looked for you...in all the wrong places," Scully blushed as she took on a country western twang and fell into tune.

"This can't be happening..." Mulder said. Home, home to his couch. One person in the entire world was his, his to punch, drag to Russia, share with Walter, and endlessly enjoy in hot, lovely PWPs. Alex, Alex, who needed a dog when they had a Rat?

Back to apartment 42, Mulder didn't stop to look to see if Alex had broke into his apartment. At his darkest moments, when his faith collapsed, when every scriptwriter was out of ideas for liver eating monsters and slime, there was always Krycek. Mulder knew he would be there.

There was a light, a strange light coming from the bedroom. Mulder walked in and found...Alex. Alex lit by a strange ruby light, his arms around a pink colored form, a squat, thing with bulging eyes and a very long middle finger, which swiveled in Mulder's direction.

"Phone Home Sex. Phone Home Sex," the creature murmured.

"Alex, not you, never you," Mulder said, collapsing into a weeping heap.

Looking up, he found the rat crouching by him, a deep blush on his face. Mulder said, "At least, tell me why?"

With a nervous glance over his shoulder, Alex said, "Illegal aliens...ever since we moved to LA, CC's been looking into the pay rate. Frankly, Mulder, we're just too damn expensive. In fact, there's no way he could afford me."

Peeling off a cheap mask, Alex revealed an oozing green mass of slime, pouring from a large can of Goop that was perched on his head.

"Ahhhhhggggh!" Mulder screamed, trying to run from the horror, the horror...

MMMMMMMMMMMMM

"Baby, wake up, baby, it's all right," Alex's voice said.

Opening one eye, Mulder looked into his lover's concerned face. "Hell of a nightmare, foxy," Alex said.

Looking past Alex, Walter was naked except for a black leather bullwhip, which curled around his shoulder. Just Walter, his beautiful man.

Sniffing, Mulder said, "I dreamed they fired me. Everyone was there, but they were different. Except Walter and you...but you...you didn't love me anymore!"

"Oh, baby, shh, it was a bad dream, we love you. Of course, we do." Alex said.

"I brought you some warm milk," Walter said, "and Alex is right. Don't be crazy. Who could replace our beautiful Fox?"

"No one," sighed a long line of hopeful crossover characters and OMC's waiting in line at the door.

The end, Auntie Em!

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