Nothing, by Shadowfox and Dr. Ruthless.

Nothing

by Shadowfox and Dr. Ruthless.

Disclaimer: Alliance owns these people, but they don't play nicely with them, and they need exercise. That's all this is, exercise for our sweeties so that they don't get cabin fever.

Pairing: Vic/Mac

Rated: T for naughty thoughts, but no actual naughty deeds.

Series: Last in a series 1: Walking in my Shoes, 2: It's No Good, 3: Never Let Me Down Again, 4: Barrel of a Gun, 5: Waiting for the Night, 6: Nothing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sitting target
Sitting waiting
Anticipating
Nothing
Nothing

Life
Is full of surprises
It advertises
Nothing
Nothing

What am I trying to do
What am I trying to say
I'm not trying to tell you anything
You didn't know
When you woke up today

Sitting target
Sitting praying
God is saying
Nothing
Nothing

Always
Knows the prospects
Learn to expect
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing, Depeche Mode--MUSIC FOR THE MASSES (1987) Sire Records

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

LiAnn's voice

I don't know what to do anymore. My world is falling apart, and I don't think I'll ever be able to put it back together.

I'm sitting here in the Director's office, finally being called to task for my stupidity on the Marken case; by myself for the first time since I first came into the Agency, and all I can think of is how quickly everything is changing for me. In less than a month, the world as I've known it for the past few years is suddenly gone. Everything, absolutely everything, has changed, and it makes me afraid--very, very afraid.

I don't do fear well. I'm used to being in control, having a handle on my life, and this is so far from it that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get it back.

I'd like to be able to say it started when I walked in on my exes at Mac's the first time, but I know that isn't true. It started back in Hong Kong, when Mac first made the suggestion that we try to get out from under the Tang, maybe even before that. Michael was so crazy, so out of control, that it didn't take very much convincing to get me to agree. I was so afraid of him, what he was capable of scared me, and I was terrified of what he might do if I actually went through with the marriage--which I didn't want, but had no choice about--so I said yes. When the warehouse blew, a part of me died along with Mac, and I'm only just starting to realize that I've never gotten it back.

I really did love him, you know. So much so, that when Victor started making advances, I was absolutely hostile. Poor sweet Vic, he had absolutely no idea how hard I was fighting my feelings for him. He eventually prevailed, though; and while he couldn't take Mac's place in my heart, he had a niche of his own there, and I knew I'd at least be content as his wife. That was all that I could ask for. Then Mac dropped back into my life, upsetting the balance again, because I realized that my love for him wasn't as dead and buried as I wanted him, and Victor -- and myself -- to believe.

When I realized that the Director had known he was alive and well for all those months, I nearly had an apoplectic fit. Suddenly, I didn't know what I should do, or why I should do it. I mean, I loved Victor--he'd woken me out a long cold sleep--but I'd given up my life for Mac. I'd believed he was dead, and mourned for him desperately; then it seemed like a miracle when he reappeared in my life after so much time away.

To say I was confused is like saying a nuclear bomb merely explodes. I was devastated. I'd finally gotten on with my life and found someone who I admired and respected and loved--not in the same way I had Mac, of course, but loved nonetheless--and then Mac just showed up and turned my whole world on it's ear, expecting us just to pick right back up where we'd left off. *That* made me resentful. The nerve of him! How could he have done this to me? He'd left me pining away for him for a year and a half then just shown up with that infuriating grin of his, making my heart stutter and threatening to destroy my world yet again. I didn't know if I could take it.

I did mention that I don't do change well, didn't I?

I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing. Every time I thought I had my mind made up, one or the other of them would do -- or say -- something that reminded me of why I fell for him in the first place, and I'd be right back where I started. I grew to resent that as well. I tried to do the right thing, I swear I did, but neither of them wanted to let go and I got used to that. Far too used to it, I've learned painfully over the last month.

Victor was right when he said I'd made my choice a long time ago. My problem was, I didn't want to hurt either of them and didn't see how I could manage to do what I wanted -- no *needed* -- to do without doing just that. I'd seen what merely postponing the engagement did to Vic. For my own reasons, selfish reasons, I couldn't imagine going through that with Mac too. So I did nothing; and now, here I am with nothing, and it's scaring me half to death.

See, Father sort of expected Mac and I to...well, you know. But then Michael popped up with wanting me for himself, and as much as Father loved us, he couldn't say no to his only son. He'd never been able to do that when it came to what Michael wanted. Now Michael's dead, and Mac...? Mac's lost to me forever. Both of my brothers are gone from my life, and I'm alone. I wish I could tell you that it was worth it. It isn't.

I knew it was over, really over, between Mac and me when I left his apartment yesterday. Sitting here now, I cringe inside with the memory of the things I said to him. I don't know where all this venom is coming from. No, that isn't quite true--I know where a great deal of it is coming from. I'm jealous as hell. Vic was never the way he is with Mac when we were together. He was sweet and attentive, but reserved. Sadly, I now realize Mac was the same way to a lesser degree and having to admit that the problem may have been mine rather than theirs is damned uncomfortable, as is the hard realization that I don't know either of them nearly as well as I assumed I did all of this time.

Looking back over my actions since I found out that my exes have gone on without me, I'm appalled at the way I've been behaving, but I don't know how to make it stop. Every time I see them together, it reminds me of what I don't have--what I let slip through my grasp--and twists the knife in my heart a little bit more. They told me they loved me, damn it--well, Mac never really did, but I knew anyway--they were supposed to always be there; but they're not there any more, and everything I currently have isn't worth the price I've paid for it.

Because I have a world full of nothing without love.

The Director has finally come for me. My heart starts pounding a bit, and I'm vaguely uneasy, but I'm here and even if I wasn't, I couldn't hide forever. I don't acknowledge my boss until she sits across from me and speaks.

"LiAnn. How very good of you to keep our appointment."

So that's how it's going to be. Fine. I can play this game. I shrug a bit. "It's not as if I had a choice."

The Director's voice goes cold, in that way she has when she's about to lay into one of the boys for something stupid. "You're right, you didn't. Do you have any idea why I called you here today?"

Yeah, I do; but I really don't feel like discussing it while my life is falling apart around me. Disconcerted, I glare at her mildly. "I hadn't really thought about it. Work, I suppose..."

"And what do you notice different about this particular meeting, Ms. Tsei?"

She's trying to trap me; I know she is, but I don't care. Nothing matters anymore. I fall back on one of Mac's tricks. "I don't know. You're wearing pink? Can we get to it? I hate these games."

"You are in no position to demand anything right now, LiAnn," she snaps. "It isn't my concern to make you comfortable. Do you happen to notice anything amiss? Something that doesn't seem quite right?" A long pause, and then, "something missing?"

I'm digging my own grave, I'm painfully aware of that; but just as I can't stop my reaction to Mac and Victor, I can't stop this either; my pride won't let me. "I'm aware that Vic's convalescing. Is that what you mean? I just assumed that you wanted to talk to me on my own."

"You're right, I do. But aren't you wondering why? When was the last time I briefed you on a mission alone? You are part of a team, after all," she watches me from narrowed eyes, aware of what I'm doing and the reasons for it but still, for whatever reason, deciding to indulge me. "Victor is on medical leave and Mac...well, Mac is not himself," boy, is that ever an understatement, "aren't you the slightest bit curious as to what kind of mission you could do by yourself?"

In for a penny..."The last time was when you sent me after the plans for development in front of your apartment."

"Yes, but your partners were out in the field as well. You were involved with the mission even though you didn't know it at the time. You were all briefed together...don't sulk, LiAnn; it's unattractive." She sounds for all the world like a proper schoolmarm running a lesson, and it's all I can do not to laugh. If I had anything worth laughing about, that is.

"I'm not sulking. I'm just wondering why you're telling me things I already know, and I'm sure you're going to tell me about my mission," you can start ripping into me any time, here...I know you want to.

She watches me for a bit, and then decides to get on with it. "Since you're going to be stubborn, I will ask you this: hasn't your sense of self-preservation kicked in yet?"

Yes, as a matter of fact it has, but I'm not listening to it right now, or I wouldn't be doing something as stupid as trying to bait you. "Look, I appreciate the kid glove treatment, but can we get to it? I really don't understand what you mean."

She does so, with gusto. "Fine, then. Your team leader is out until Monday, and your other partner is... incapacitated. The reason rests squarely on ourulders, LiAnn. In short, you owe me a pound of flesh, and I mean to have it. Is that plain enough for you?"

"You think that's MY fault?" My eyes go wide in shock. I expected to have to defend myself about Marken, but *this* is too much! "Oh, brother!"

"Absolutely. You made a foolish decision, one that not only put you in peril, but Mac and Victor as well. I cannot tolerate that. What's more, I will not tolerate it. I have invested too much in the three of you to let your petty jealousy lay it to waste."

No. No, no, no...I am *not* responsible for their bad choices...I'm not! "Mac's a lush. Don't you see that? He's unstable and he drinks. How is that all my fault? I admit that I made a mistake going after Marken on my own, but I thought that I would get back up from my partners. You remember them...they were supposed to be watching my back and were upstairs in a sex club screwing instead?"

The Director laughs evilly, and it sends a chill down my back, because I know she can see right through me. "That's a good story, LiAnn, but you forget how well I know you. You have been manipulating the boys since day one; and while I can appreciate a good head job as well as the next, you've carried it too far. Is your pride worth that much to you, dear?"

This hits me close to the heart, and I stand up, towering over the redheaded woman who is tormenting me. "Look, can we just get to the point? I don't see any reason for going after me. It's Mac you should be calling in to have your 'heart to heart' with."

"Sit down, Ms. Tsei. Now." Astonished at the sharp command, I do so abruptly, with none of the grace and deportment that Father paid so dearly to have drilled into me the summer I turned twelve. She then continues to skin me alive. "You wanted to make them pay--and pay they have. Mac is walking proof of it. Do you know what else he's been getting up to?"

Sullen and angry now, I mutter, "He could be doing anything. What makes you think I have any control over him?" I feel her eyes burning into me and snap my gaze up to glare at her defiantly.

"You amaze me," she says conversationally. "You don't want either of them. You don't want an intimate relationship with them, that's plain. But the minute they turn their attention away from you, you panic. Why is that?"

Again, a very palpable hit, and I feel my eyes go wide once more, as I shoot back to my feet. "You're getting very personal, aren't you? I don't see why I should stay here and listen to this." Why is she doing this to me? Why can't she leave me alone?

"Sit, or I will sit you, that's a promise. You belong to me. That means that I can be as personal as I like. Or are you forgetting that the Tangs have a price on your head too? The fact that you're a woman won't matter in the slightest and you know it."

My chin jerks up at that not-so-veiled threat. She hasn't done this to me in a very long time, and the fact that she chooses to now is telling. "You wouldn't."

But, of course, she would, and her next words only confirm that fact. "Think not? Just because you're my protge doesn't mean you're not expendable. You'd do well to remember that," she's cool and smooth as black ice right now, and I hate her for it. She's never had to deal with the kind of devastation I'm facing at this moment. My life is nothing, and the sad truth of the matter is that I'm responsible for it being that way. This...job is all I have left.

The realization hits me hard, and I drop back down, morosely chewing on my lip. Now I know how Mac feels when he's in the hot seat. "What do you want to say to me? You'd better get it said," I snap, half-wishing she'd make good on her threat to ship me back to the Tang. I'd rather be anywhere but here.

"You're starting to piss me off, LiAnn." I say nothing, settling for a hostile glare from under lowered brow. She nods approvingly at my silence. "You owe me for the damage you've caused your partners. How are you going to repay me?"

"Am I here?" I mutter, too quietly for her to hear. "I'm sure you're going to tell me," is the official answer I go with.

"It's a start," she muses off-handedly, letting me know that I didn't get away with anything, "but perhaps you'll gain a better understanding of what I require of you if you see for yourself."

She turns away to the large TV screen at one end of her office and hits a switch. I recognize the view as Mac's apartment; and as I watch myself walk in and nudge Mac with my toe, I realize this is a tape of our confrontation yesterday.

Was it only yesterday? It feels like a lifetime ago.

I slump lower into my chair, close to tears as I watch the heartless bitch on the monitor berate and humiliate my beloved brother and knowing that it's me. Oh, god, the things I said--the evil nasty things I said, and everything I've done--the words run round and round in my head and are joined by Vic's tirade against me on the day of his release. I want to scream and rip my hair out, but know I will do no such thing; it would be too unseemly for a daughter of the great Tang Family.

The scene then switches, and it's Vic's apartment I see now. By the date stamp, I know that this is happening in real time, and my heart plummets. Mac takes a seat on the couch as Vic perches on the armchair, and I lean forward to hear in spite of myself.

"Okay then, Vic. Let me have it." Mac isn't happy, and I wonder how I could have missed it before. He sounds so final, so defeated, and my heart aches for him. Even so, I don't know how to begin to let him go--to let either of them walk away from me, or walk away from them myself. I have to if this is going to stop, and I don't think I'm strong enough.

"One thing before we start," Victor's voice is firm, his face compassionate. "No more drugs. It's done. Whatever help you need, we'll get, but you will stop using. Understand?"

Wait a minute...drugs? *What* drugs? I look to the Director for clarification, but she directs me back to the screen.

"I knew you were gonna say that. I knew..."

"Mac. This is about your life. No games. If you won't at least try, then I'll let you walk back out the door."

"You don't know, Vic, you just don't know." Mac sits, nervously twining and knotting his fingers; something I haven't seen him do since he first came to the Family. "You dragged me here, now you want me to go?"

"No. I don't want you to leave. But I can't watch you kill yourself either. I've done it once already. Mac, I love you. I will love you until the day I die and you can ask anything of me and I'll probably do it. But you can't ask me to watch you poison yourself. You can't..." I see the sadness of memory cross Victor's face and want to curl up and die. Why couldn't he have shared just a little more with me?

"I don't understand. What can we say to each other now? It's too late, isn't it? You think I wanted to lose you? I love you so much, Vic, so much. It's just that I couldn't let LiAnn die. It would've been my fault, and all for a few moments pleasure." He sounds devastated, and I'm starting to realize just how much sway I really had over Mac--as well as how much I abused the trust between us. I'd ask for forgiveness, but I know that it wouldn't be given anyway. Why should it be, with the way I've acted?

Victor sighs and runs a hand through his hair in frustration "You think that's what it was about at the club that night? Just a few minutes of pleasure? Not for me. I gave up my soul to you, Mac." He did, too; in a way that he never could have done with me. I wasn't open to the possibility before. It hurts to know this, know what I've missed out on--not once, but twice now.

Make it stop. Please?

Mac sits, hands moving aimlessly, an outward symptom of his inner turmoil. "Just tell me what it is that you want me to do, Vic. I don't have any more anything left inside me. Whatever I do, I know that it won't be enough..."

"Enough for who? Me? All I ever wanted from you was the love you were willing to give me. All I ever wanted was to make you happy."

"You have all the love I'm capable of giving, Vic. I never stopped loving you. It's just that sometimes we have to look past our own happiness. Don't you see? What do you want from me? You want me to love you? I do. I love you so much..." Mac's voice catches in his throat, and he falls silent.

"What do I want from you? I want you to live." I remember the softness of that voice when I'd wake from a nightmare about Mac dying, how it would soothe and calm me, and my heart clenches again. Victor, I'm so sorry for all the hurt I've caused.I don't have the words to say how much, and I don't even know if I can make it stop.

"For you?"

"For yourself. Stop being a martyr."

"When I take for myself, it all falls apart." Mac is hugging himself, and I know that he's afraid. He's afraid to reach out, and I wonder just how much of that fear I put into him. Oh, god, Mac; my sweet, beloved brother, forgive me. Please forgive me.

"Only if you let it. Only if you run away every time things start getting rough. This isn't gonna be easy, my baby, not by a long shot, but I promise I will make it up to you. Everything you have to suffer through to find your happiness, I will make up to you. I swear I will," even through the video feed, I can feel Vic's intensity, and it makes me want to kick myself for what I gave up with him. God, how pathetic! This is what got me where I am right now. My god, what the hell have I done? What have I become?

Mac makes a small sound that might be a laugh, and shakes his head. "How can you, when you don't even want to touch me?"

"What? Oh, god, baby...I'm dying to touch you, but you panic every time I do. I just don't want to scare you." He kneels in front of Mac on the floor. "Do you want me to touch you now?"

"Please..." Mac reaches out slowly and cups Victor's face. "Please," he says again, softly.

Victor caresses Mac's face just as slowly. I close my eyes and feel a tear roll down my cheek. Please, I can't watch this anymore; it hurts too badly. "Where? Tell me where," I hear, in Victor's husky, sensuous rasp, and I die a bit more inside.

"Anywhere...everywhere... Please, Vic."

"Okay. Come with me."

"Where?"

"Trust me. Can you do that?"

"Yeah. I always have, love. It's myself I can't trust."

I hear water running, but refuse to open my eyes. "Strip down, baby."

"What? Why?"

"You said you trusted me. Do you?" Victor's voice holds a hint of amusement. The water stops, and I hear small sounds, amplified by the tiling in the bath, then water rippling and Mac's voice again. "What are you doing, Vic? I'm feeling a little weird here."

"Shhh." More sounds of water rippling. "I thought you knew what a bath was, Mac."

"Yeah. Of course I know what a bath is, Vic. I want to know what the relevance of this particular bath might be."

"The hot water will make you feel better, and I get to do something I always wanted to do for you. Okay? Let me pamper you a little, baby." His voice holds a slight, pleading note and my unwilling mind supplies the puppy-dog look that I'm sure accompanies it.

"It had better not involve blowing raspberries on my wet flesh," I hear Mac grumble, half- heartedly.

"You spoil my fun..."

The audio cuts out, but I refuse to look up until the Director's hated voice cuts into me. When I do, the video has mercifully been turned off, but my relief is short-lived. "Were you aware, LiAnn, that Mac was sexually assaulted the day after you were taken?"

Reflex kicks in once more, and I feel my lip curl in derision. "So you did one of your famous midnight visits? I'm sure he survived." No! Stop this...why can't I stop this?

The Director smiles back nastily, aware of just how much I resented her treatment of Mac in that respect. "I'm afraid I can't take the credit. Seems our wandering boy came across some very bad men...at least 15 of them, if the genetic testing is to be believed. And one of them left a memento of the occasion." She tosses a slim folder in my direction. "But you don't have to take my word for it...see for yourself."

I feel the blood drain from my face, as a chill blasts over me. "What sort of a memento?"

She refuses to answer me, merely indicating the folder with a wave and I stare at her in horror.

"You mean...? But... That means that I could..." I take hold of the file with badly shaking hands, and the words 'Gonorrhea' and 'HIV: Inconclusive' leap out at me before I even get the folder completely open.

Oh my God. No, it never occurred to me. The chill races up my spine, as I realize I may have just signed my own death warrant.

Suddenly, I can't read anymore and throw the folder down onto the table; scooting my chair away from it and hugging myself tightly. "You're telling me that Mac has a venereal disease, and that I..., " I force a swallow in a suddenly too-tight throat, "you think that I could have caught it too?" Lie to me; please, please lie to me...

Not a chance. "I'd say it's more than likely. You see, Mac has only had the first shot in the series so far, and that was about a month ago."

"But we didn't... He couldn't..." I lapse back into silence; both of us knowing that I'd made love to Mac the day that Victor was discharged from the hospital, after that hateful diatribe to which Vic had subjected me. Mac had been reticent with me; but I'd gone down on him while he was sleeping, and then climbed onto him and taken his erection inside myself in triumph. He'd woken in the throes of an orgasm, shouting out Victor's name. That had been more than enough to make sure I didn't pull that kind of stunt again.

The Director arches an eyebrow at me in wry amusement. "I would suggest that you get down to the infirmary. Afterwards, you are to report back here. I'll have all the arrangements made by then. Go on now, shoo." I do so with all due haste.

Jackie catches up with me on my way to the infirmary, and I ignore her. Whatever the little bimbo has to say, I don't want to hear. Curiously, she stays silent, and so do I, not caring to strike up a conversation with her ever. I reach my destination and expect her to take her leave, report back to the Diva that I was a good little girl and receive her reward; but she doesn't. She walks in with me instead.

"Is this necessary?" I snarl, not wanting her to see how far my pride has pulled me down, which is really kind of stupid because she probably knows all the details anyway. Still, appearance is the thing, something Father drilled into all of us very young. No matter what, you must always try to save face in front of an adversary.

"I thought you might need a friend," is the simple, surprising response, and one that I have no answer for at present. As usual, I'm expected and the doctor gets right to it, not even questioning the blonde presence behind me. I'm subjected to a long, humiliating battery of testing and treatment, including being stuck with huge needles--something that I'm horribly phobic about.

Just as I'm about to fly off the table in a panic, I feel a hand in mine squeezing tightly and another on my shoulder. My gaze snaps up to Jackie's face and is captured by the compassion I see there, the same compassion I saw as she walked out of the hospital with Victor that day. I'm suddenly, horribly ashamed, and the tears spring to my eyes before I can stop them. Damn! I don't want her to see me this vulnerable again. Last time was bad enough.

"Just breathe," she tells me softly, and my eyes fall shut, squeezing the tears gathered there out. The hand on my shoulder goes up to stroke through my hair and I concentrate on the rhythm, timing my breathing to it. Soon, it's over and the doctor allows me to dress.

"The cuts are healing nicely, LiAnn. You've been following treatment?" I nod miserably, and she continues. "Well then, all you really need to do is follow up with the antibiotic treatment. I'll expect you back in a week. If you can't make it in, arrangements will be made to get it to you, okay?" Another nod as she hands me a sheet of instructions. "You're free to go."

I walk out and stop dead in my tracks. I'm supposed to return to the Director's office, but I can't face her right now...still, I can't just leave either. I stand indecisively, jumping when the hand lands on my shoulder again. I'd forgotten about Jackie. I suppose I have no choice then. I start to walk back toward the Diva's lair, when I feel a tug on my hand.

"Come on," my erstwhile partner urges, leading me towards the canteen instead. "You look like you could use a cup of tea. She can wait a bit." Dazedly, I follow, wondering at this side of Jackie Janczyk that I've never seen before. If I didn't know better, I'd think that she really cares.

We sit in companionable silence, which is a shock for me because Jackie's mouth is usually going non-stop. What's even more confusing is how readily I'm accepting all of this. I let the events of the past month or so tumble through my mind, becoming aware of how incongruous Jackie's attitude toward me has become. A blush steals over me as I remember the Agency awards, and the catfight we got into in front of everybody. It was the talk of the organization for weeks afterward, as well as the subject of some pretty lurid speculation by Mac and Vic. Men. So predictable sometimes. I sigh unhappily, wondering what I can do about that situation and feeling the hopelessness that is my life steal up on me once more.

"You ready to get back?"

Jackie snaps me back to reality, and I glance down at my tea. I haven't even touched it, and my stomach is too upset to keep anything down. I nod, and she glances at my cup but says nothing. We walk back the way we came, still with that comfortable silence that seems to have settled over us.

It turns uncomfortable as soon as we walk into the Director's office again. As usual, she is nowhere to be found, but Vic and Mac are there, and I feel the knife turning again. I take the end seat, as I feel the bitter cold of discontent and regret steal over me once more, briefly abated by Jackie's hand on my shoulder before she goes over to sit on the end of the conference table.

An endless moment passes before the Director comes in, and suddenly it's as if the last little while with Jackie never happened. Idly kicking her feet and loudly snapping her gum, she's back to being the obnoxious little mob brat she's always been. I blink in astonishment as the Director gets to it.

"Well, children; this is what happens now. The four of you are going on a retreat together. Also, any personal problems are going to be addressed during your stay there," she spares a pointed glance for me as she says this.

"A retreat?" Mac looks a little confused, and I can't blame him. "What the hell for?"

"Because you need to learn to work as a team again, Mr Ramsey. There are some very obvious issues that need to be addressed within the group and the purpose of this trip is to help you get them settled."

Mac shudders in revulsion. "Oh, God. Welcome to hell."

"Mr. Ramsey, I'm not sure you fully appreciate how many strings I had to pull to get the four of you in on such short notice. This program is the best the Agency has and you will take full advantage of it, am I clear on that point?"

"Distressingly so, thanks. I don't suppose I can just go home and go back to bed?"

"Sadly, no. But not to worry, you'll get plenty of sleep on the trip there. And one more thing, any...*hostilities* that are festering at the moment will be put aside immediately. Understood?" Another look at me, to make sure I get the point.

"Hostilities?" Jackie grins and snaps her gum once more, and I want to strangle her. "Like, come on guys, take the edge off." She winks at Victor and turns away, ignoring his growl of frustration as well as the fact that I'm making a face at her.

"Do we pack?" Mac asks. "There's a bunch of stuff I need. I have to go home." He's beginning to panic, and I finally recognize the signs I should have seen all along; the signs I * have * seen off and on over the years, and just put down to Mac being Mac. God, I've been so blind and stupid! Mac, how long have you kept this from me?

The Director is, as always, cool and collected. "You need nothing more than what you have at the moment, Mac. Everything else will be provided for you. Ah, Dobrinsky, right on time as usual. Go on then, children. Time to go."

Mac continues to protest even as we turn to leave. "But... I need to go home and get... my stuff. I can't just go away. How long is it going to last, anyway?"

The Director turns away then, catching Dobrinsky's and Victor's gazes very briefly in turn, and I feel so out of the loop. I'm his sister, damn it! "Why, as long as it needs to, Mac dear. Now run along...your car is waiting," with that, she waves us off again.

"Come on, Ace...time to get going..." Mac turns as if to run, but stops, his shoulders sagging in defeat as Dobrinsky grins evilly at him. He takes Mac firmly by the arm and leads him out of the conference room. Mac allows it after a long, last look at Vic to make sure he's coming along. I die a bit more at the stark reminder of what I've lost with him--with both of them.

"Victor? A moment, please?" Mac panics again at that, and I want to reach out and soothe him, but I know he wouldn't accept it from me now, so I keep my hands to myself. Victor turns back after one long last look at Mac and waits as we're hustled off. A few minutes later, Vic rejoins us and Mac visibly relaxes at seeing him again.

"Baby, you okay?" Vic murmurs gently as he kisses Mac on the cheek, and my heart flips over again at the tender display. I try to push down on the jealousy, unsuccessfully.

"I am now," is the quiet response. "What was that about?"

"Nothing, baby. Just some last minute instructions." Vic's lying. I can see it from here and I think Mac can too. But he says nothing, and it's no longer my place to do so.. Silently, we load into the car and head for the airport.

I don't know where we're going, or what's going to happen next; but I do know that whatever happens, my life as I've known it is finally over. Whether or not I can go on from here is anybody's guess.

I suppose we'll see.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

The Director's voice.

Well, it's time to find out exactly what I can salvage from the wreck of the Ashwin Marken case. So far, the boys are looking good; they are even now unknowingly meeting up with each other at the Royal Museum and I have complete faith that Victor can persuade Mac to submit to his tender mercies once more--especially given the fact that the younger man has finally cut his more unhealthy ties to LiAnn as of yesterday.

LiAnn, however, is a much different story. I'm loath to give up on her--I truly am--but she has become such a problem of late that I may not have the luxury of choice. I watch her even now from the privacy of my inner office as she fidgets and broods and then turn to the blonde sitting across from me quietly.

"You're sure this is what you want?" I ask seriously. "She is a difficult one, and you're going to have a hard fight ahead."

"I'm sure," Jackie Janczyk answers just as seriously, none of the Valley Girl mob queen in her demeanor now. "LiAnn is what I want. Mac and Vic are fine in their own way, but I missed my chance with both of them. I don't want to do the same with her."

She'll make a fine Sexual Espionage operative...someday. For now, I need her help and she knows it. "Done. You have carte blanche." The smile on Jackie's face is pure joy, and I wonder briefly what I've just agreed to in giving her this, "but if you harm her in any way with this relationship, you *will* answer to me. Painfully. Agreed?"

"Agreed," she purrs back before sauntering to the door that leads directly out into the hallway. She pauses at the last moment to look back over her shoulder, "and Di, you won't regret this, I promise." With a wink, a blown kiss and an ostentatious sway of her considerable assets, she disappears through the door and leaves me alone.

"You had better hope not, young lady," is my muttered reply, "or I'll make sure *you* will."

I idle away another half-hour or so, leaving LiAnn to fret and fume a bit more before coming down to confront her about her behavior these past few weeks. I must admit that it is somewhat disconcerting to have to play out this scene with her after so long--it's usually Mac needing the kind of discipline I'm preparing to dish out. Still, I will do what I must to get my Alpha team back on track; and like it or not, I must do this. The fact that I'm also going to enjoy it only makes it that much easier.

"LiAnn. How very good of you to keep our appointment."

I hear the quiet intake of breath, and smile slightly. She's afraid. Good. That's only as it should be.

"It's not as if I had a choice."

Her petulance both annoys and excites me. I'd forgotten how deliciously stubborn she can be. "You're right, you didn't. Do you have any idea why I called you here today?"

I receive a glare in response. "I hadn't really thought about it. Work, I suppose..."

I cut her off. "And what do you notice different about this particular meeting, Ms. Tsei?"

She fumes silently for a brief moment, then, "I don't know. You're wearing pink? Can we get to it? I hate these games."

Perfect. "You are in no position to demand anything right now, LiAnn," I snap harshly, enjoying the way she jumps when I do, "it isn't my concern to make you comfortable. Do you happen to notice anything amiss? Something that doesn't seem quite right?" A long pause, then, "something missing?"

"I'm aware that Vic's convalescing, is that what you mean? I just assumed that you wanted to talk to me on my own," the knowledge that she's only getting herself in deeper with me is there in her dark, dark eyes, but her mouth is currently running of its own accord.

That's okay, I know how to be patient. "You're right, I do. But aren't you wondering why? When was the last time I briefed you on a mission alone? You are part of a team, after all," she watches me from narrowed eyes, unsure of where I'm going with this line of inquiry; which suits me just fine. "Victor is on medical leave, and Mac...well, Mac is not himself; aren't you the slightest bit curious as to what kind of mission you could do by yourself?"

"The last time was when you sent me after the plans for development in front of your apartment."

"Yes, but your partners were out in the field as well. You were involved with the mission even though you didn't know it at the time. You were all briefed together..." I notice the pout marring her beautiful face, and decide to mention it to keep her off-balance. "Don't sulk, LiAnn; it's unattractive."

"I'm not sulking," is the petulant comeback. "I'm just wondering why you're telling me things I already know, and I'm sure you're going to tell me about my mission."

I watch her closely, loving her discomfort, and decide to spin it out a bit more. "Since you're going to be stubborn, I will ask you this: hasn't your sense of self-preservation kicked in yet?" I ask ominously.

"Look, I appreciate the kid glove treatment, but can we get to it? I really don't understand what you mean."

Ask, my dear, and you shall receive..."Fine, then. Your team leader is out until Monday, and your other partner is... incapacitated. The reason rests squarely on your shoulders, LiAnn. In short, you owe me a pound of flesh, and I mean to have it. Is that plain enough for you?"

Her eyes go wide. "You think that's MY fault?" she squeaks. "Oh, brother!"

Time to hammer it home. "Absolutely. You made a foolish decision, one that not only put you in peril, but Mac and Victor as well. I cannot tolerate that. What's more, I will not tolerate it. I have invested too much in the three of you to let your petty jealousy lay it to waste."

Panicking now, she's looking for a way out. "Mac's a lush. Don't you see that? He's unstable and he drinks. How is that all my fault? I admit that I made a mistake going after Marken on my own, but I thought that I would get back up from my partners. You remember them...they were supposed to be watching my back and were upstairs in a sex club screwing instead?"

I laugh evilly. Nice try, little one, but we both know better than that. "That's a good story, LiAnn, but you forget how well I know you. You have been manipulating the boys since day one; and while I can appreciate a good head job as well as the next, you've carried it too far. Is your pride worth that much to you, dear?"

She shoots to her feet to tower over me, and I let my gaze turn harder and colder than I've ever let her see before. "Look, can we just get to the point? I don't see any reason for going after me. It's Mac you should be calling in to have your 'heart to heart' with."

My voice matches my countenance as the words 'Sit down, Ms. Tsei. Now,' ring out in the air between us. With a look of utter incredulity on her face, she drops like a bag of rocks back into her chair. "You wanted to make them pay--and pay they have. Mac is walking proof of it. Do you know what else he's been getting up to?"

"He could be doing anything," is the poisonously bitter retort, "what makes you think I have any control over him?" She eyeballs me harshly after that telling outburst.

"You amaze me," I inform her mildly. "You don't want either of them. You don't want an intimate relationship with them, that's plain, but the minute they turn their attention away from you, you panic. Why is that?" There is nothing semantic about the question; I would truly like to know.

It seems I've once again strayed too close to a sensitive subject for my protge as she shoots back to her feet. "You're getting very personal, aren't you? I don't see why I should stay here and listen to this." Her eyes are wild and hunted, and I know I'm pushing her hard, but I need to if this is ever going to be solved.

Her chin jerks up at that statement of fact and I can see that she's starting to realize just how tenuous her situation is. "You wouldn't."

"Think not? Just because you're my protge doesn't mean you're not expendable. You'd do well to remember that."

LiAnn continues to stand for a few seconds more as reality brutally intrudes on the selfish delusion she's been suffering under these last few weeks. She drops back into her seat wearily, and eyes me once more. "What do you want to say to me? You'd better get it said."

Ah, yes; so deliciously stubborn. I'd forgotten how much I missed it from her.

"You're starting to piss me off, LiAnn." She says nothing then, merely watches me with an angry gleam in her eyes, and I nod my appreciation. "You owe me for the damage you've caused your partners. How are you going to repay me?"

She mumbles something that sounds suspiciously like, 'Am I here?' before taking a deep breath and saying, "I'm sure you're going to tell me," in a slightly more subdued tone.

"It's a start," I tell her lightly, knowing I've hit the mark when her eyes tear away from mine, "but perhaps you'll gain a better understanding of what I require of you if you see for yourself."

I hit the switch for the VCR, cueing up the tape I ran through earlier--a feed from one of the numerous surveillance devices I have in place to keep tabs on my agents. As the scene from Mac's apartment fills the screen, LiAnn slumps in her chair; lower lip slightly trembling as she is faced with the irrefutable proof of just how far she's carried her selfishly destructive streak. I would have shown her the events before her confrontation with Mac as well, but I'd like to get on with this and I think the one I have says so much more than the footage of Mac by himself.

When the confrontation is done, I hit the button for Victor's apartment and watch as the boys come in from their afternoon at the museum. Oh, good, I'm not too late. As Mac takes a seat on the couch and Victor perches on the armchair, I notice LiAnn leaning forward a bit. This is also good.

When Victor mentions the word drugs, LiAnn turns to me in wide-eyed apprehension and confusion. I direct her back to the screen. Spying on them is one thing, but somehow I consider telling her outright to be a strange breach of trust on my part. Illogical? Perhaps; but then I've never claimed to be completely rational anyway--especially where these three agents are concerned.

When I realize that LiAnn has closed her eyes and isn't going to open them again, I turn off the monitor. I had expected her to ask about the cuts and scratches that Mac is sporting, but she's too caught up in her own misery really to have noticed them. That won't do at all. I decide to lay it on the line with her. "Were you aware, LiAnn, that Mac was sexually assaulted the day after you were taken?"

Shock glimmers deep in her eyes, even as her lip curls in derision. "So you did one of your famous midnight visits? I'm sure he survived."

I smile back predatorily. LiAnn has always resented the way I've chosen to handle Mac and to a lesser degree, Victor, with equal parts sensuality, sexuality and aggression. What can I say? Coming up through Sexual Espionage with the kind of training I've had will do that to a person and I make no apologies for it. It's eased her way with the two of them more times than she knows. "I'm afraid I can't take the credit. Seems our wandering boy came across some very bad men...at least 15 of them, if the genetic testing is to be believed, and one of them left a memento of the occasion." I toss the file with Mac's current test results toward her, "but you don't have to take my word for it...see for yourself."

"What sort of a memento?" she asks in a small voice, as I indicate the folder that she still refuses to pick up. "You mean...? But... That means that I could..."

She finally takes hold of the file with badly shaking hands, then tosses it back down and scoots away from it as if it were a rattlesnake. "You're telling me that Mac has a venereal disease, and that I...you think that I could have caught it too?"

She's near hysteria and begging me for a lie with her eyes, but as much as I 'd like to, I can't. "I'd say it's more than likely. You see, Mac has only had the first shot in the series so far, and that was about a month ago."

"But we didn't... He couldn't..." she falls silent once more. We both know that she did indeed, the day Victor was discharged. I have the tape of it, but where most people would see a heartless shrew trying to get revenge, I saw the desperation of someone trying to reach out for something they hadn' t realized they'd lost until far too late.

Oh, LiAnn; my poor confused girl--you're finally starting to realize what you've given up by refusing to make a choice. I attempt to convey my understanding of her situation without looking as if I'm succumbing to pity. "I would suggest that you get down to the infirmary. Afterwards, you are to report back here. I'll have all the arrangements made by then. Go on now, shoo."

She tears out of the office as though her hair is on fire, and I trust that Jackie will keep a watchful eye on her for the next little while.

I turn back to the monitor and watch as my boys start to find their way back to each other with whispered words, tender touches and sweet sucking of Victor's exquisite dick on Mac's part. After bearing witness to Victor's silent tears, I pick up the phone and start dialing. The beginning they've made is fine; but without some judicious intervention, it will all be for nothing. And I am a very hands-on kind of girl.

When the party on the other end picks up and I hear the familiar rumble, a delicious shiver that has nothing to do with charity and everything to do with lust that has suddenly spiked itself straight into my groin runs the length of me. "Christian, darling; it's Kit. I need a favor..."

Forty-five minutes later, the arrangements are made, and I'm about to go check on LiAnn but there's one more thing I need to do. I hit the speed dial once more.

Victor's sleepy voice answers on the third ring. "Mansfield..." he mumbles, looking like a great contented cat as he stretches on-screen.

"Hello, Victor?"

"Yeah..." He yawns uncontrollably as he stretches again and I can't keep from running a finger down the exposed side of his body as he writhes sensuously for the camera. So beautiful, and so very, very clueless. It's just as well that he and Mac have never really responded to the pre-cursory Sexual Espionage testing, but I can't help being disappointed. They would have been devastating at it, and I know for a fact that Vic would have been a complete natural given his rather uninhibited Vice background.

No help for it now, though. I like him just where he is. "I think that it's time for you to return to the fold, don't you?"

His voice becomes cautious and he glances unerringly up at the nearly invisible camera embedded in the light fixture of his living room as he shifts more onto his side in front of Mac. "Uh...I'm not supposed to be back until next week? Did something happen?"

"Oh, I'd say so. About an hour ago? I'm sure you'll remember if you try."

He sighs in a long-suffering way before responding, but at least he isn't shooting out the equipment any more. It was getting to the point where the techs were starting to refuse the service calls. "Shit...look, I wasn't aware that my off-time was so interesting. Besides, I needed to ask...a favor..."

He's hesitant as he says this and stroking Mac's hand lovingly as it spans his belly; so I have a pretty good idea of what he wants. "A favor? You interest me, Victor. Go on. Ask your favor." Hell, I'm feeling magnanimous today.

"Mac is not up to par...and I was hoping that you could hold off on calling him back in until next week too. He hasn't been sleeping...or eating...he needs the rest," there is a tenderness in his voice that he would vehemently deny if I were to call it to his attention, so I don't.

"I'm well aware of that, Victor. That's why I'm calling you. I think it's time for you to go on a little retreat. I want you to bring him in with you. I'll be waiting," I'm about to hang up but there is something in his face as he gazes at me through the camera that makes me wait.

He finally spits it out before the silence becomes too great. "Did you know about what's been going on with him?"

"I probably know better than you what's been going on with him." He deserves that much at least.

"You probably do," he sighs discontentedly again. "Will you tell me something if I ask? The truth?"

Unable to help myself, I give a small chuckle of delight. "Victor, this sweet docility is charming. I might. What do you want to know?"

"He was gang-banged...you knew...that was why you didn't let me see him, wasn't it?" he sounds so forlorn as he glances over his shoulder at his battered lover who is still resting peacefully, and my heart melts the tiniest bit.

"I thought that you and he needed a little space. It wouldn't have helped either of you. You know that, don't you, Victor?"

He sighs heavily once more. "Yes. Give us an hour, okay? And Di?"

"Victor?"

"Thanks." There is a click as the phone is replaced and I sit looking at it for a moment before putting it down. Well, well--who would have thought that Victor Mansfield would leave me speechless twice in a lifetime? I finally replace the phone in its cradle and give one last wistful stroke to the two lovers gracing my screen before going down to the infirmary to see what is happening with LiAnn.

Just over an hour later, the four of them are gathered together once more as I walk in; Mac and Victor sitting next to each other with LiAnn to the side -- as Jackie makes herself comfortable on the end of my solid oak conference table. One of these days I'm going to indulge myself and turn that child over my knee. She is absolutely *begging* for a good paddling, which I will be more than happy to give, and she will probably be just as glad to get.

As it is, I have more important concerns. "Well, children; this is what happens now. The four of you are going on a retreat together. Also, any personal problems are going to be addressed during your stay there," I fix each of them with a stern look as I tell them this to make sure they get the point.

"A retreat?" Mac squeaks. "What the hell for?"

Mac shudders and rolls his eyes dramatically. "Oh, God. Welcome to hell."

I glare at him again and he shrinks into his seat. "Mr. Ramsey, I'm not sure you fully appreciate how many strings I had to pull to get the four of you in on such short notice. This program is the best the Agency has and you will take full advantage of it, am I clear on that point?"

However, he still can't keep his pretty mouth in check. "Distressingly so, thanks. I don't suppose I can just go home and go back to bed?"

I counter with an overly sympathetic purr that I know he hates. "Sadly, no. But not to worry, you'll get plenty of sleep on the trip there. And one more thing, any...*hostilities* that are festering at the moment will be put aside immediately. Understood?" Another look around the table to make sure they know I mean business.

"Hostilities?" Jackie's persona is firmly back in place, and I can't help but admire the confused irritation on LiAnn's face. "Like, come on guys, take the edge off." She winks at Victor and turns away, but not before getting the desired response from her chosen target as LiAnn pulls a face at her. I forcefully smother a chuckle as Victor emits a husky growl under his breath.

"Do we pack?" This from Mac, who is starting to panic as realization that he's going to be without a steady supply of Ecstasy for a while sets in. "There's a bunch of stuff I need. I have to go home."

Which is exactly the point. "You need nothing more than what you have at the moment, Mac. Everything else will be provided for you. Ah, Dobrinsky, right on time as usual. Go on then, children. Time to go."

Mac continues to protest in vain and I see the awareness of the cause on Victor's face. Well, Victor, I didn't say it would be easy. "But... I need to go home and get... my stuff. I can't just go away. How long is it going to last, anyway?"

I catch Dobrinsky's and Victor's gazes very briefly as I turn away. Knowing that they both understand what's at stake gives me a bit more confidence. "Why, as long as it needs to, Mac dear. Now run along...your car is waiting," I wave them off again with a nonchalance I'm far from feeling.

"Come on, Ace...time to get going..." Mac makes as if to run, but stops, his shoulders sagging in defeat as he realizes there's nowhere for him to go. Dobrinsky takes Mac firmly by the arm and leads him out of the conference room and he allows it after a long last look at Vic to make sure he's coming along. Calm yourself, little one...he'll be there shortly.

After I've satisfied my curiosity.

"Victor? A moment, please?" Mac's eyes widen at that, and I think that he may have to be sedated for the trip, but he permits himself to be led out after a long moment of silent communication with Victor, who waits with barely concealed impatience to hear what I have to say.

I get right to it. "You realize, of course, that you're in for a long hard fight?" Now where have I heard that before?

The emerald eyes widen in alarm, then narrow to a suspicious glare. "Listen to me. I will do whatever it takes. He's mine. Hear me?"

Men. So predictable sometimes. "Down, boy. No need to snarl at me. I just want you to be prepared. To understand that there is a chance for failure here. Are you prepared for that, Victor?"

"There's no chance of failure," his voice is hard and sure, and I feel the power of his conviction crackle around him like electric light. "You don't understand. No way will I fail. He's mine."

But I do understand, Victor. It's why I've tried so hard to keep something like this from happening before. "I hope you're right, Vic. Just remember that I'm here if you need me. We have our differences, but I do care about what happens to all of you. I wouldn't push you so hard if I didn't." I will him to feel the truth of that statement as we face off for a small eternity.

Finally, I see a minute softening in him and decide to take a bit of pity. "Run along now, I'm sure Mac's about ready to jump out of his skin," I say lightly, shooing him with yet another wave and knowing that there is nothing more to say or be said. We all just have to ride it out now and hope for the best.

Victor knows it too; I can see it in the long, dark scowl he gives me before finally turning away to rejoin his companions. When he reaches the door he looks back over his shoulder. "It won't be needed, but thanks."

I wait until I know he's gone and can no longer hear me. "I hope you're right," I repeat with a harsh sigh, "because God help us all if you're not."

The End

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

Feedback to Dr. Ruthless

Feedback to Shadowfox