Summary: After the events of "Existence", things happen. To Mulder, of course. 'Cause it's all about Mulder, after all. Or is it? Bwahaha...
Spoilers: Yes, for Season Eight; and if you didn't know Alex lost an arm in Tunguska, let me be the first to tell you
.Rated: M for a little bad language. Boys will be boys... This is pre-slash stuff; don't worry, it gets better.
Disclaimer: CC's mean to them. I'm much nicer with *my* toys...and I make no money from their pain.
Author's Notes: I'm following canon up until the very last moment of "Existence". (Hey, it was like a challenge!) This is set about three months later. Thanks to my way cool beta, Wildy. Hi, hon! There will be a sequel to this, and here's a warning it's a Mary Sue. Big time.
Series: There's a detour at Fleabag Motel
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scully pulled the rental car off the road with a squeal of the brakes.
"Get out of the car, Mulder."
"What are you talking about? Scully, you can't just throw me out here. We're probably ten miles from anywhere."
"There was a rest stop about three miles back. You can make it, it's not that far. This is Connecticut, Mulder, not Darkest Africa"
"But why?"
"Oh, Mulder, stop whining, will you? Quite frankly, it's been eight years of this shit, and I just can't take it anymore. I have a life now, Mulder. I let you come along on this case unofficially, because you couldn't stop talking about how bored you were. But I'm sorry, Mulder, this last case was not an X-File. We have photographic proof, from our own cameras no less, that the reported 'poltergeist' activity was caused by the 12-year old daughter. Why can't you just let it go? But oh nooo, not 'Spooky' Mulder. There always has to be some kind of conspiracy. Well, not for me, thanks. No more. You can find your own way back to DC, and I'm going to ask to be reassigned somewhere sane. Now get out of the car or I'll shoot you again."
"Sculllyyyy..."
"And for the last time, my name is DANA!"
"But -- "
Slam.
Mulder watched in amazement as the rental car sped away. Shit -- his overnight bag was still in the backseat. At least he had his wallet and keys. And his cell phone. He pulled out this last item on the list of his current assets and hit speed-dial #1. It rang 5 times before it was answered.
"What?"
"Scu-- Dana, could you please get my overnight bag out of the back before you turn the car in at the airport?"
"Sure. Fine. Whatever."
"Thanks, listen, I'm s--" Click. "Dammit."
>Nothing to do but start walking. Jesus, three miles in the dark along a deserted road. My life is a movie script. All I need now is for a car to stop, and --
Unbelievable. I see headlights. Let's see, it's either a beautiful stranger, or an incredibly creepy psychopathic killer. At least I still have my gun.
A black Saturn convertible pulled up alongside Mulder, and the window rolled down. "Need a lift?"
The voice was unmistakable. "Krycek?" Oh my god, I was half right. It's a beautiful psychopathic killer! "We have to stop meeting like this."
"Mulder, what the hell are you doing? I know the car didn't break down, it's still moving. Did you get car-jacked? Where's Scully?"
"Scully kicked me out of the car and evidently her *life*; and what do you mean 'the car's still moving'? Is there a bug on the car? Are you stalking us now?"
Krycek sighed. "Just you, really. Get in."
Just when I thought the night couldn't get any weirder... Mulder got into the passenger seat.
"Okay, Krycek, spill it. What the hell are you doing here?"
"Actually, Mulder, you were right. Well, 'stalking' is kind of a needy, pathetic word. Let's call it...'tailing you'. That's a little more dignified. You don't seemed terribly surprised to see me alive. Wasn't my death scene convincing enough for you?"
"Yeah, right up until the point where you started speaking in tongues. What the fuck was up with that, anyway? Trying to get Skinner to kill me? 'Save 1000 lives'? I knew it had to be either a replicant or you had totally lost your mind. And since I am a psychologist, I figured I would have noticed you losing your mind, so...I wasn't too surprised when I heard that the body disappeared. So what's next? Where are you taking me?"
"Mulder, I'm not kidnapping you. I'll get you to the airport, and you can go back to DC."
"Why?"
"Because you live there?"
"Why aren't you kidnapping me? Don't you think I'd make a good hostage?"
Krycek looked over to make sure it was a joke. "Mulder, you would be the worst hostage I could ever think of. You're not with the Bureau anymore, and you just told me Scully's pissed at you. Who'd pay to get you back? Besides which, you're a sarcastic pain in the ass who never shuts up, and I don't have any duct tape on me right now."
"Jesus. I think I'm gonna cry."
"Sorry."
"No, really. You're the second person in the last half hour to tell me I what a shit I am, so I have to think maybe you're both right."
"Scully told you that?"
"She said I was whiny."
"Wow. That's pretty harsh, for her."
"Yeah."
They rode in silence for a few miles. Mulder was wrestling with words he needed to say, trying to make them come out the way he intended them. This could be his only chance to say some things he'd been brooding about for a long time. Finally, he thought he had it.
"Hey, Alex?"
"Oh, and another thing -- what's up with you using my name all of a sudden?"
"It seemed appropriate for the tone of the conversation I was trying to start. Part of the new, improved back-from-the-dead me."
"So is there some twelve-step-plan you're following? Or was this Chapter One in the 'Handbook for the Recently Deceased'?
That comment earned him a glare from Mulder. "If you're quite finished?"
"Sorry, go on. Please. It's -- a nice change."
"Okay, well, I ... I never told you I was sorry. About your arm. About dragging you to Russia and leaving you there. And I am. It was an insane thing to do, and I shouldn't have involved you in it."
"Mulder -- hey, can I call you 'Fox' now?"
"Don't push it."
"Mulder, I involved you in that whole thing. I knew where the trail would lead. I also knew you'd need a translator. But my 'cooperation' wasn't going over too well, so I figured I'd lead from behind for a while. You're really very easy to manipulate, my friend. The night on Skinner's balcony wasn't too pleasant, but any morning I wake up without an alien inside my head is a good one, so..."
"What are you saying? You planned the whole thing?"
"Well, not the painful parts, but yeah, I needed to get to Russia, and you were the way."
"Dammit, now I'm mad at you again!"
"Sorry!"
They looked at each other and burst out laughing. It lasted for a few miles, and slowly became a comfortable silence. Mulder was the first to break it.
"So what's next for you? I imagine 'tailing' me will get boring after a while, since I'm still out of a job, and now I've lost any connections I had to the X-Files. I'll probably just sit home and become one with the couch. Jesus, I'm pathetic..."
"So why don't you come with me? I have to lay low for a while. Part of the whole Alex-Krycek-is-dead scenario...It could be fun."
"Are you serious? Do you really think we could spend time together without --"
"Killing each other? I'm willing to try, Mulder. After all, we we're doing pretty well back there in DC, before it all went to hell."
"So -- that reminds me, I was meaning to ask when was it *you*?"
"And not the replicant? Most of it was me. Some of what I did was not my idea, but it was me right up until the garage. After I left Skinner at the hospital, I got out of the way. I knew they had a replicant they made from my clone, and I figured they weren't going to wait much longer to use it. So I did what I do best and disappeared before they got impatient and disappeared me themselves. That's a much more permanent condition."
As usual, Mulder picked out one thing and worried at it like a bulldog. "Clone? There's more than one of you?"
"Mulder, they could clone every third person in America -- you *know* they have the DNA samples and the technology. Why would you think it hadn't been done? But it's not really perfected yet, so they only use it when they can't replicate the original. The cloned replicants are usually not terribly ...stable. They can be taught to imitate their originals, but the brain just doesn't work quite the same, for some reason. And they don't regenerate, either. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. I know damn well if they could have replaced me a long time ago, they would have. You too, for that matter. If they ever do get it right, we're all up that familiar creek."
"Why clone and then replicate? I don't understand."
"The replicating process doesn't work on anyone who's had contact with Black Oil. That's why you're alive right now."
"Is that why you were still on the inside? To keep an eye on the cloning project?"
"One of the reasons. There are others we can go into later, if you want. Right now, it's almost 9 and I haven't eaten since breakfast. There's a diner up ahead. Do you mind?"
"Can I still pick your brain while you eat? This is the first time we've had a chance to do this, and I'm not letting it go."
Alex sighed. "I noticed....Yeah, we can talk more while we eat."
Alex parked the car outside the diner and the two men went in. The place was deserted at that time of night, and they took two seats at the counter. The waitress, whose nametag proudly proclaimed her to be "Dottie," came over to them with menus.
"Good evening, gentlemen. Can I get you some coffee?"
Alex gave her a grateful smile. "That'd be great, thanks. What do you recommend for dinner?"
She considered his question seriously for a moment. "Well, hon, the meatloaf's pretty good tonight."
"Sounds good. With fries, please. Is there gravy?"
"Wouldn't serve it any other way!" She turned to Mulder. "How 'bout you, sweetie?"
He blinked. "F-- fine. Sure, meatloaf sounds great. Thank you."
She moved away to get their coffee, and quickly returned with two mugs and a thermal carafe, along with a small pitcher of cream. "Need anything else? I'll just go get your food. I'm all alone here tonight, Susie's boy got sick at the last minute, and I couldn't get ahold of Carl. Well, I'll be back in a jif with your food. You need me, just holler."
As she bustled into the back, Mulder started to laugh. "Did -- did she just call me 'sweetie'? Or am I having another one of those episodes that land me in restraints in a hospital bed?
"No, she called you 'sweetie' all right. Guess you're lucky Carl wasn't here. No telling what he might have called you!"
With that, both men began to laugh uncontrollably. When Dottie returned with their food, they were wiping their eyes, trying to calm down.
"You boys all right?"
Mulder recovered enough to speak. "Yeah, Dottie, we're fine. The food looks great. C'mon, Alex, get up off the floor and eat. There's graaaavyyyy..."
They ate their dinner and talked, each surprised to find how easy it was between them. They soon found themselves falling into a semblance of the banter they had last used when Alex was Mulder's shadow at the Bureau.
"So how's the little Sculder doin'? Has he said his first words yet?"
"He's fine, I guess. I hardly see him since they moved in with Skinner. God, that's so weird. I can't believe I never saw that coming. Talk about extreme possibilities!"
"So you're not -- you and she never -- sorry, that's a *really* personal question. Possibly more information than I need."
"No, hey, my life's an open book! Scully and I never...it just wasn't ever the right time. We talked about it once or twice, but...I do love her, and I know she loves me...but sex would have complicated things between us. I was incredibly happy that she asked me to be the father of her child, but that's as far as it went."
"Ah. Are you gonna finish your pie?"
"Yes, hands off, Skippy."
"Just asking. I'm going to use the facilities, and then we can get back on the road. It's only about another hour to the airport, we can pick up your bag and you can decide what to do next."
"Sounds good. I'll settle up with Dottie."
"Don't think because you bought me dinner that I'm gonna put out, Mulder. Not on a first date, anyway."
"I'll bear that in mind."
Mulder looked around for the waitress. He spotted her through the little window in the kitchen door, and hopped off the stool to go get her. It was beneath his dignity to 'holler' for anyone. As he walked around the counter to the kitchen door, the main doors opened with a bang and three large men sauntered in. Dressed in leather, they were the ultimate stereotypical bad-ass bikers.
This might be very bad, Mulder thought briefly. He *was* armed, but three against one was not good, even with the counter between them. He decided to try simple courtesy, on the off-chance that they just looked like sociopaths.
"Hi --" was as far as he got.
"Hey, boy, get us some coffee and a menu. We ain't got all night."
"I'll just get the waitress for you, she's right in the kitchen." He poked his head in through the swinging door. "Dottie? Customers!"
If I act like they don't scare me I should be fine. Just be polite, nothing to it. I've certainly faced worse than this. Damn, they're big. Where the hell is Alex?
Dottie came through the door and got a look at her new customers. Mulder's fears were confirmed when she said, "Oh, no. No. You're not allowed in here anymore, Ace. Remember what Carl told you last time?
"Carl ain't here, Dottie. C'mon, alls we want is some dinner. We won't make no trouble. Will we, boys?"
The 'boys' grinned ferally.
"So you just stay away from the phone and get us fed, doll."
Mulder could see that Dottie didn't like having the men in the place. He slowly moved away, but one of Ace's sidekicks noticed.
"Hey, pretty boy, where you goin'? Don't let us run you off. C'mon over here and sit down. We don't bite. Much."
The others laughed uproariously at this display of wit. Mulder reluctantly walked over to the counter and sat around the corner from the three men. Alex was taking way too long to come out of the bathroom. He must have realized something's up. thought Mulder. Any minute he'll be in to back me up and then we can get rid of these guys. I wonder if he has any handcuffs. Probably not. Maybe I can talk to them, get them thinking friendly thoughts.
Just then he noticed the tallest of the men was looking at him with a certain gleam in his eye. "Hey, boy, what's your name? They call me 'Stick'. You remind me of someone I used to know. Seems a shame for you to be all alone. How'd you like some comp'ny?"
Shit. It's about to get very ugly. I don't really want to be this guy's new boyfriend. For one thing, I can smell his breath from here. Alex, where the fuck did you go?
As if in answer to Mulder's thoughts, the door burst open for the second time that night.
Alex Krycek staggered into the diner. His hair was mussed, and there was the distinct smell of beer about him. He looked around bemusedly, and wandered over to the counter where the others were. " 'Zis a private party, or can anybody join? Hee hee. Hey, man izzat your bike out there? I'm real sorry about that. I don't think the dents'll show too bad, though. Prolly just bang 'em out with a hammer or sumpin'."
The three men rose and rushed to the door. Mulder grabbed the handcuffs off his belt; quickly using them to restrain the first two wrists he could grab. Then he drew his gun and shoved into the nearest ear.
Krycek was meanwhile engaged in pulling Ace's arm up behind his back and twisting the fingers on the biker's hand. "Don't even think about moving, asshole. Hey, partner, I assume you still have a weapon? Ah, I see you've already thought of that. That's what I like about you. Always prepared. Gentlemen, let's move back inside, shall we?"
They manhandled the bikers into a booth and checked them for weapons. Even Alex looked surprised at the variety of firearms and other implements of destruction piled on the table when they were done.
"Dottie, are there any actual charges or warrants pending against these idiots?"
"No, they just been warned to stay out of here after they tore it up last time. Carl didn't want to get the cops involved, but one of the customers called them."
"Maybe you could call Carl? We'll entertain these nice folks while you do that."
Pushing Ace down onto the floor, Krycek knelt on the arm he was still forcing up between the big man's shoulder blades and brought a roll of duct tape out of his pocket. "Look, I found some after all! Lucky for me, huh?" Ignoring the obscenities spewing from the mouths of their would-be attackers, Mulder and Krycek quickly taped the men's hands and feet together, before seating them back in their booth.
Dottie came back from the phone. "I finally found him at his sister's house. He said to call the cops this time, so I did. They should be here any minute."
"Good. We're not going to stick around for that. My friend here has to catch a plane, and I'm allergic to law enforcement types. Dottie, it's been a pleasure. Next time we're passing through, we'll be sure to stop in and see you. C'mon, Sundance, let's saddle up 'n' ride."
Mulder had the presence of mind to throw a twenty on the counter to pay for their meal before running to catch up with Krycek. They leapt into the car and Alex peeled out of the parking lot as if pursued by all the hounds of hell.
Reaction was beginning to set in, and after about ten minutes, Mulder began to shake. He tried to keep it low key, but nothing ever got past Alex. He pulled the car off the road and turned off the engine. "You okay?"
"No...yeah...I don't know. I almost got raped back there!"
"Mulder, you were never in any danger of that. If that asshole had even so much as touched you, I would have shot all three of them. But I didn't want to do that if it wasn't necessary. I know how much you hate it when I kill people."
"Yeah, well, what took you so long?"
"I was trying to decide on a plan. The first two I came up with required some cooperation and acting ability on your part, and I wasn't sure if you would pick up on what was going on quickly enough. So I went with Steve, the drunken frat boy."
Mulder was feeling a bit calmer now. He should have known Alex would have all the angles figured before commiting to a plan of action. "Just out of curiousity, what were the other two choices?"
"Well, we have the frightened cripple; that works real well to get them off guard, but I usually end up having to maim somebody to get out of it. Plus it has the added bonus of giving me nightmares for about a week....The other one you really wouldn't have liked."
"And it was...?"
"I was gonna play dom and turn you out."
Mulder squeaked. "And how would that have helped?"
Alex grinned. "Phase two involved them fighting over who got to be first." He started the engine again and pulled back out onto the road.
"Yeah, that *might* have freaked me out a little. Thanks for choosing Steve. You're really good at this, aren't you?"
"What, staying alive and mostly out of trouble? *Yeah*, Mulder I am. It's what I do."
"Don't think I didn't notice you playing the sub for Doggett, too. That thing with the eyelashes is genius. You almost had *me* believing it."
"I was hoping you wouldn't bust a gut laughing."
More like I couldn't keep my -- nevermind. "So Alex, all these roles you play...it begs the question, who is the real you? Have I ever met him?"
"Mulder, you just ate dinner with the real me. You're talking to me right now. There is nobody in this world who knows me better than you do. I stopped playing games with you a while ago. You just never noticed."
"When was the last time you lied to me?"
The answer came back too promptly to be anything but the truth. "Hong Kong. But that was to save both our asses -- you would have shot me and gotten yourself arrested. And prisons in Hong Kong are very bad, trust me."
"I do." And suddenly, he did. He really did. Weird.
"So how far is it to the airport, an hour?"
"Something like that. You want to put on some music?"
"Desert Island!"
Even for Mulder, that was an abrupt transition. "What?"
"Let's play the Desert Island game."
"Can you please speak English for a minute?"
"I can't believe you've never done this. It's a kind of getting-to- know-you exercise. We had to do it once at this stupid seminar Skinner made us go to. If you were stranded on a desert island with only one...whatever...what would you choose?"
" 'Whatever'?"
"For example, what one CD would you want?"
"Do I get a stereo system too?"
"That's assumed."
"The Beatles' White Album."
"Really? That's mine, too."
"Must be true love...do I ask you one now?"
"Go for it."
"Movie?"
"Plan 9 from Outer Space."
"Are you serious? That piece of crap? I knew you owned it, but I didn't think you watched it!"
"Okay, Ebert, what's yours?"
"Don't laugh."
"Hey, you brought up the category."
"Really. If you laugh I'll have to shoot you. Okay...theprincessbride."
Mulder bit back a snicker. "Alex, that is such a chick-flick."
Alex tried to defend his choice. "It's got everything! Action, adventure, romance, and some really great lines. 'My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.' " He stopped. Oh, shit. You had to go and bring that up, didn't you. Nice move, Alex. And we were doing so well, too. He peeked sideways at Mulder, who was looking thoughtful. "Sorry."
They drove in silence for a few minutes. He was just about to stop the car again when Mulder finally spoke. "Alex, this is stupid. We've got to lay it to rest. I don't want us to go through the rest of our lives with this hanging over us. So here goes...my father knew that he was involved with the kind of people who would hire other people to shoot him. He knew what he was doing when he called me that night. You may have pulled the trigger, but we both know he was dead before he hung up the phone. The fact that it was *you* probably gave that bastard Spender a nice little thrill. I know that what you did, you did because you felt you had to. After recent events, I really have to believe that.
"I don't want to be mad at you about it anymore. I think we could be friends now, if we tried to get past the last seven years. Do you want to try?"
"Jesus, Mulder, is that a trick question? Do I want you to keep treating me like a real person instead of a 'invertebrate scum- sucker' ? Let me think about that for all of two seconds, okay?"
"Sarcasm is so unattractive, Alex. So, my turn?"
"Uh, I guess. ." This just keeps getting weirder. "Go ahead."
"Okay...food?"
"One thing or an ethnic group?"
"Hmmm...I think I'll give you a whole restaurant. I'm feeling generous."
"This is a very strange game. But I pick Famous Luigi's."
"Mmmm. Have you ever had their calamari pizza?"
"Eeeew. No. Squid? Ick. What's yours?"
"Any Chinese place, I'm not picky."
"No kidding. My turn...um um um...is a person allowed?"
"Living or dead?"
"Mulder, only you would want to be on a desert island with a dead person."
"Not a corpse; I meant does it have to be someone currently alive, or can I pick a historical figure. Jeez, I'm not that sick, am I?"
"No comment. And I'm going with 'currently alive.' So?"
"You." "What?" Alex was clearly shocked.
So was Mulder, for that matter. I've played this game with Scully before, you know. I thought I knew all my answers, sure, maybe once in a while a little surprise creeps in, but this... Mulder had to say it out loud. "If I was on a desert island and only one other person could be there, I think I would want it to be you. Okay?"
"Why?"
"Does there need to be a reason?"
"Yeah, I think there does."
"Well, I don't have one. I didn't even realize I was going to say that until it was out. So you'll have to wait for a reason. I'm going to turn on the radio."
They drove the rest of the way to the airport without conversation, each lost in his own thoughts. Mulder picked up his overnight bag from the car rental office where Scully had left it, and opened it to find a note inside.
Call me tomorrow. I'm sorry. D.
He showed it to Krycek, who nodded.
"So what now?"
"Are you up for a little road trip, Mulder? There's somewhere I need to go. It's not too far from here. We could grab a few hours rest and be on the road early tomorrow morning."
"Okay by me. Do you want me to ask about a cheap motel?"
"Actually, I was going to sleep in the car, but if you want to get a room we can."
"Fine by me. I'll go ask at the rental place." He trotted back inside, and quickly returned. "There's a place about two miles away. The guy gave me a map -- here."
They found the motel easily. Mulder checked them in and they found their room.
"Sorry about having to share, but I don't think the Bureau will reimburse me for this."
"Hey, don't worry about it. Dibs on the shower first!"
"Fine. I'm going to pick which bed I want. You get the lumpy mattress."
"Have you no shame?"
"None at all. Hurry up in the bathroom, I want to take a shower too."
"Give me fifteen minutes."
Alex was as good as his word, emerging from the bathroom in fifteen minutes, wearing shorts and a t-shirt, and carrying his clothes and prosthesis. It was the first time Mulder had seen him without it, and he tried not to stare at the remains of Alex's left arm peeping out from the sleeve of his shirt. Of course he doesn't sleep in it. It can't be very comfortable. I wonder if it hurts? He looked closer then, noticing Alex was moving his shoulders and head in a way that bespoke tension in the muscles there.
"Are you okay? You did all the driving tonight, your back must be killing you."
Alex looked at him strangely. "I'm fine, Mulder. Go take your shower. I'm going to sleep."
"Okay. Sweet dreams, Alex."
That earned him another strange look, followed by a shy smile. "You too, Mulder. G'night."
Mulder hurried through his shower and came out of the bathroom to find the room lit by a single lamp between the beds. Alex was curled up on one looking for all the world like a ten-year-old. His eyes snapped open as Mulder moved to his own bed. Satisfied that there was no threat to his safety, he closed them again, only to hear Mulder say, "Alex?"
Sigh. "What, Mulder? Do you want a bedtime story now?"
"Yeah, Daddy; tell me what happened to Spender."
"Can't this wait for tomorrow?"
"Evidently not. Did you kill him?"
"Mulder, I'm not going to confess to a capital crime in your presence. Can we please just say he fell down some stairs?"
"Did he?"
Sigh. "Yes. He did. I was there."
"Good. I'm glad it was you. If it couldn't be me, I'm glad it was you."
"This may be the oddest conversation we've ever had."
"Yeah, I get that a lot. Can I ask you one more?"
Sigh. "It was...a Russian thing, Mulder. Okay?"
"What?"
Shit "Never mind. What's your question?"
"Did you bring Scully back?"
"Yeah. I -- I couldn't get to her in time to -- I didn't know they -- fuck." Alex took a deep breath. "It took me a while to find her. I couldn't let them know I was interested, or they would've -- anyway, as soon as I knew where they were holding her, I got her out. I'm sorry it wasn't sooner. I was just an errand boy in those days, Mulder."
" 'S'okay. I knew it was you. Well, not then. But later, when I thought about who it might have been, your face kept popping into my head. Weird, huh?"
"Mmmm"
"Alex?"
"Oh, God, Mulder. Do I have to really shoot you in order to get some sleep?"
"Why were you tailing us? Are we still in danger?"
"Mulder, you attract trouble like no one else I know. I figured a little back-up wasn't out of line. I don't think Scully could've handled those bikers. She's tough, but not that tough. Don't tell her I said that, though."
"If she ever speaks to me again, I promise I won't tell her you don't think she could take three bikers."
"Thanks. Now, goodnight, Mulder."
"Night, Alex."
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Mulder woke slowly. He thought the car had stopped, and from the quality of the light it looked to be about six a.m. A swift glance out of the window confirmed the fact that they had stopped, evidently for gas. Krycek was just coming back to the car from the cashier's window, looking very relaxed.
"Krycek, where the hell are we?"
" *Good* morning, sleepyhead. I can't believe how you can just fall asleep in the car like that. We're in Massachusetts. The Berkshires, a little town called Dalton, to be exact."
"Why?"
"You are incredibly surly without your coffee, aren't you? Can you wait ten minutes for homemade, or do you want some from the Juice 'n' Java across the street?"
Mulder considered the question. As usual, he answered with one of his own. "Whose home?"
"An old friend. She's probably awake by now. I just hope her husband's out of town." At Mulder's raised eyebrows, Krycek shrugged. "Luke doesn't like me very much. I make him nervous."
"Lot of that going around," muttered Mulder. Alex raised an eyebrow of his own.
"I rescued you. Twice just yesterday. What's a guy gotta do, Mulder?"
"Sorry. Old habits...let's go see your friend."
They drove off down the main street of what looked to Mulder to be an exceptionally pretty town. Wide lawns in front of homes, a couple of banks, three large churches and a smaller one. A large reddish stone building that seemed to house the town offices, public library, police station, and historical museum stood on the corner where they stopped for a red light.
Krycek indicated it with a jerk of his chin as the light turned. "I spent a lot of time there when I was growing up."
"The police station?"
"No, the library, in fact. Jeez, thanks. I wasn't always a thug, Mulder."
"Sorry, I just ...shit. I really am sorry. That was...completely uncalled for. No more cheap shots, okay, Alex? I promise. Tell me about growing up here. Looks like a nice place."
"Yeah, it was. We lived about two blocks from here. My dad took off when I was five, so when my mom went to work at the paper mill, she had to find somebody to take care of me. No daycare in those days, right? So you had to trust your child to a stranger, without knowing how it would turn out. We got lucky, I guess. She found the perfect place for me, with a really nice lady who had a daughter of her own.
"After the first few days, I called her 'Aunt Cathy'. I remember a little bit about the safe feeling I used to get when Mom left me there. And the feeling of having a friend."
"Is this the friend we're going to visit?"
"Yeah. She's almost exactly a year younger than me. Her birthday's the day before mine. That first summer -- it's like a dream now, y'know? Like some mythical place in my head. Aunt Cathy worked part time at the library, two afternoons a week, and she didn't mind if we went along, as long as we remembered to be quiet. We had no problem keeping quiet, surrounded by all those books. In fact, most days it took a crowbar to pry us away. Debbie is still the only person I've met who loves to read as much as I do. I remember how jealous she was when I went off to first grade without her. When I got to the house after that first scary day, she wouldn't rest until I had told her all about it. We played school until my mom picked me up."
"You were reading on your own at five?"
"I was two grade levels ahead of my age until I got to fifth grade. Then they realized how much extra work it would be for the teachers to keep me going at that pace, so they made me repeat all the stuff I had already learned. That was the first time the system failed me." He stopped talking and concentrated on finding a new station on the radio.
Mulder realised he'd been staring at Alex, and looked around. He noticed they were in a small city now. "Are we still in Dalton?"
"No, this is Pittsfield. She moved here after they got married. Property values here were more within their budget. I offered to help, but there was no way Luke would take my money, so...anyway, here we are." He turned onto a side street. One side had multi- family homes with a Saab dealership incongruously in the middle. The right side of the street was all single-family dwellings. Alex turned into the second driveway on the right and parked behind a green Taurus station wagon with a huge alien-head sticker on the rear side window. "We're good here. Luke's car's not in the driveway. Come on."
They got out of the convertible, Mulder feeling slow and stiff after sleeping for two hours in one position. Alex walked up onto the porch like he owned the place and tried the doorknob. "Locked. 'S okay, there's a key." He slid up the screen of the window that flanked the door and fished around for a second. "Damn, I bet Chaz forgot to put it back again -- no, there it is." He unlocked the door and replaced the key in its hiding place.
Mulder felt like he was in the Twilight Zone. "Are you sure you should do that? Is she expecting us?"
"Don't worry about it. It's cool; I do this a lot. Oh, and don't mind the dog. He sometimes barks at people, but you shouldn't take it personally." The door was opened, and Mulder followed Alex in. His first impression was of books, an overflowing set of shelves to the left of the door in the front hallway. Mostly science fiction, he saw. Heinlein, Bradbury, some of the older Star Trek novelizations; mixed with a few Dick Francis mysteries and some Stephen King for variety. Alex had stopped in the middle of the room and cocked his head, listening.
"The shower's running. I guess she's up. Let's go see about coffee."
They went around the corner into a dark and cluttered dining room, through to an equally cluttered kitchen. Another overflowing bookshelf held cookbooks of every size and description. Alex rooted around in a cupboard, found a coffeemaker and began to set it up on the counter. "Mulder, check the fridge for coffee, would you? Should be in one of those clear deli containers."
"There's two."
"Are they labeled?"
"One says 'fine'."
"Grab the other one. Thanks."
Mulder heard the water stop upstairs. He was a bit nervous about being in a stranger's house, especially when said stranger's husband was a) out of town, and b) not fond of Alex. He decided to voice his concerns. "Alex, should you let her know we're here? Is she likely to be armed?"
Alex snickered. "No, I don't think you have to worry about that. Luke wouldn't allow a gun in this house. That's one of the things he hates about me. But I'll let her know she has company." He walked to the foot of the stairs. "Loooocy! I'm hoooome!"
It was Mulder's turn to snicker. "Who are you?" he asked.
A voice came from the top of the stairs just then. "Alex? Is that you? Oh, my God! I'll be right down, just let me get dressed. Make coffee, okay?"
"Already did."
"Uh oh, watch out, Spike heard your voice. Here he comes!"
A medium-sized black and white dog came barreling down the stairs and jumped at Alex, pushing his nose into personal places in that way that only dogs understand. "Hey, Spike! You wanna go out? Come on, let's go." Alex looked at Mulder. "Stay."
"Very funny."
"I'll be right back. He's gotta go out in the yard. Living room's in there, have a seat."
Mulder wandered into the living room and sat on the cream-colored leather couch. He looked at the large collection of videos beside the television -- again, mostly sci-fi, with some Marx Brothers and Hitchcock thrown in. The place was almost as messy as his own apartment, and it felt comfortable. He picked up the remote off the coffee table and turned on the television, scanning the channels until he found CNN. Not that they'll actually tell us if the aliens decide it's the right time, but I can pretend, I suppose. He flipped past a few infomercials and then heard footsteps on the stairs.
Gee, this was awkward. Alex was nowhere to be found, and here he was, sitting on some stranger's couch, waiting for her coffeemaker to finish perking and watching her t.v. Well, if she'd been friends with Alex Krycek for as long as he said, she must have learned to expect the unexpected by now. Mulder turned off the t.v. and stood up. The footsteps resolved into a petite, dark-haired woman with hazel eyes almost the color of Mulder's own. She looked at him with some confusion and said, "Did you get some radical plastic surgery this time?"
"What?" Oh, God, a lunatic. Just what he needed. But at the sound of his voice, her frown lifted.
"Sorry, I thought you were Alex. Is he out with the dog?"
"Uh, yeah. Listen, I'm sorry for intruding like this, Alex said you wouldn't mind --"
"And I don't. Alex knows I'd kick his ass if he was in town and didn't stop by. I'm Debbie. Welcome to Casa de Baker. Sound's like the coffee's done. Come on."
Mulder noticed she had carefully refrained from asking his name. He followed her into the kitchen, where she was loading up a large tray with mugs, creamer, and a bakery box. "Grab the coffeepot, would you? We can eat on the deck." She led the way through a room filled with more records, tapes and CD's than Mulder had ever seen outside of a music store. "This is my husband's practice room. He's out of town on a gig."
They went out to a large deck where Alex was sitting on a bench that ran along the railing. He looked up from his study of the hole the dog was digging, and smiled. "Hey, Deb, it's good to see you." She put down the tray on the table and stood with an expectant look.
"Do I get a hug, or are you too good for that now?"
He replied in a teasing tone. "And give the neighbors a show? What about your reputation?"
"The neighbors speak about two words of English, Alex. We can't even figure out where they're from. And my reputation can only get better." She took the three steps over to him as he stood up, and hugged him hard. "Jesus, Alex, I thought you were gone for good this time." Her voice was muffled by Alex's shoulder, and he smoothed her hair with his good hand.
"That'll never happen, Deb. Ask my friend here, not much happens to me for good." He quirked an eyebrow at Mulder. "Right?"
"Asshole. You could have called once or twice. Come on, sit down and eat. Who is your friend?"
"This is Mulder."
She gave Mulder an odd look. "Interesting name. Your parents could only afford the one?"
Alex tried to explain. "He really hates his first name. It's kind of a --"
"It's Fox."
Alex stared at Mulder in amazement. "I've known you for seven years, Scully's known you for eight; you met her ten minutes ago, and she gets to call you 'Fox'?"
Mulder grinned. "I'm quirky that way."
"You are not quirky, you're -- oh never mind. Pour me some coffee and pass the danish."
Mulder turned to Deb to explain. "He's jealous."
"Am not." Alex stuck out his tongue.
They drank coffee and ate danish, listening to the birds and watching the dog roll around in the grass. Alex broke the silence finally.
"So where's Luke?"
"He had a gig in Vermont and took Chaz with him. They're gone until Sunday night." She turned to Mulder. "My husband plays the double bass. He's in the middle of a tour with the Vermont Symphony, and as a favor to me, he took our thirteen-year-old son along for a week of it. It's been a very quiet week." She sighed happily. "So, Alex, how long can you stay?"
"Not long. I just wanted to touch base, let you know I was still alive..."
"Pick up your stuff..."
"Well, yeah, that too. And I need to check my e-mail."
"Whatever you need. You know where the computer is. I haven't changed my password."
"Didn't we talk about that?"
"Jesus, Alex, do you have any idea how many passwords I have to remember just to log in at work? I need to keep a few things simple, okay? Don't start."
Alex gave her a sheepish grin. "Sorry. At least I don't charge you for the consultation. Can I take a shower, too?"
"Yes, go ahead. The towels are in the closet. Meanwhile, I'll fill Fox in on all the dirt from your past...I wonder where I put that yearbook..."
"Mwahaha, you'll never find it! I burned it the last time I was here!"
"Curses! Foiled again!"
Mulder looked from one to the other, bemused. It was just so strange to think of Alex Krycek having a past. A high school yearbook, for God's sake.
Evidently some of his thoughts showed on his face, because Alex frowned and said, "Mulder, you didn't invent me, y'know. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I was a pretty normal kid right up through college." He turned to Debbie. "I'm going to take that shower. Maybe you should let him fill you in on the dirt from my recent past."
He got up to go, but turned back. "And don't worry, Mulder; if Deb couldn't keep secrets, I'd be dead by now. Tell her whatever you want."
Mulder looked down at the table, chastened. "Shit, I did it again. Dammit!"
"So what's happened recently that I need to be filled in on?"
"Let's see, he saved my life and my partner's a couple of times; of course this was after I came back from the dead after being abducted by aliens and experimented on...are you sure you want to know?"
"You could just say 'It's classified'. That's something I can understand. Just because I read science fiction doesn't mean I believe in it. What is it with you two? He's missed our birthdays so many times and all he can come up with is some lame-ass excuse about being locked in a missile silo in North Dakota, or being stuck in a Tunisian prison. That was the latest one."
"And then there was the time I dragged him to Siberia."
"Yeah, and -- are you kidding?" "No. Not at all."
"Then...wait. He's been..."
"...Locked in a missile silo and stuck in a Tunisian prison. As far as I know -- I wasn't there for those. The Siberian thing, though -- that was me."
"Holy shit."
"And I'm pretty sure about the alien possession. I'll ask him to make sure. I think Scully still owes me five bucks on that one."
"Fox, what the hell do you do for a living?"
"Exactly what Alex has been telling you all this time. I've been fighting a shadow conspiracy of -- oh, forget it. It's classified."
"Shit. It was easier when I thought he was making it all up. This is going to require a major amount of adjustment."
"Listen, I know what you mean. Three months ago I watched a man I'd come to respect cold-bloodedly execute a man I'd only just begun to stop hating...and it ripped me apart. Changed everything I knew in an instant. And then I had to establish what the new course of my life would be. So I sat in my apartment for about three days and just thought about everything that had happened."
"And what conclusions did you reach?"
"That's the problem. I didn't reach any. So a week later, I was back in my same old rut. Chasing shadows, looking for conspiracy under every coincidence...my best friend's so sick of me she won't even speak to me right now. But when I saw Alex last night, and he wasn't dead, everything seemed better. I hadn't realized that *he* was what was missing."
"So, wait -- Alex was the man you saw killed? But how --"
"It wasn't really Alex. See, I kept telling myself that, over and over; it couldn't have been Alex. There was just -- something wrong. I felt like I'd seen the last act of a play, and someone had forgotten two pages of dialog, so the last scene made no sense at all. There was something missing, something I hadn't seen. That's the only way I can explain it."
Deb was curious. Alex had never brought anyone else here. He only came when he need to 'recharge and rewind', as he called it. She knew he'd done some things he didn't like to talk about, so she never pushed him for information. But who was this guy -- wait a minute. Seven years? It had to be...
"So how did you meet Alex, Fox?"
"We worked together. Did he tell you about being in the FBI once upon a time?"
She smiled. "Yeah, I thought so. You're the one he --"
"Lied to? Betrayed? Poisoned?"
Deb blinked twice. "....I was going to say 'fell in love with' and 'saved from being abducted'. What the hell are *you* talking about?"
It was Mulder's turn to blink. The ground dropped out from under him, then rose back up and fit itself under his feet again. "The past. Forget it. I know why he did all that. What the hell are *you* talking about? Since when is Alex in love with me?" Alex. Is. In. Love...With. Me. Oh, God.
"You are the one he was partnered with, right? Some guy took hostages in a ..shit, what was it...a travel agency, I think. You went in under cover and you volunteered to stay so the hostages could leave."
"That was me, but..."
"That's 'since when.' Shit, I thought you knew. I thought you were together. He's gonna kill me now."
"No he's not, because you're not going to tell him."
Her voice turned cold. "There is no way I'm going to deceive that man. Too many people have hurt him in the past. I will not be a party to that."
"I don't want to hurt him. I need time to think about what you just said. I -- I may have feelings for him, too. I just never knew. Give me some time to process this, okay?" He gave her a wry smile. "I very seldom think of the right things to say without a lot of time beforehand, practicing. I don't want to screw this up. So if you really don't want him to get hurt, give me some time. Please?"
"I guess so."
"Tell me what he was like in high school."
Her voice softened again and she smiled, remembering. "We did everything together. Well, not everything. He always had the lead in the musicals, I was usually in the chorus. But he was great. Never got a big ego about it. He's the closest thing to a brother I have. We used to argue about stupid stuff, but whenever I needed him, he was always right there for me. So I try to do the same for him now. He knows this is his home whenever he needs it."
She sighed. "It was really hard on him when his mom died. Legally, he was old enough to live on his own, but no matter how old you are, being alone in the world is about the worst thing there is. My mom got him to move in with us, and he stayed a couple of months, but then he said he felt like he was in the way. When he went away to college, I didn't see him for over a year. We expected him back for the holidays, but he never showed up. When I finally tracked him down, he gave me some crap about being a bother. I was just so glad I had found him again."
"How did he afford college? Without his parents that must have been tough."
"He had a full scholarship. His grades had always been at the top of his class. And he was easily eligible for all the financial aid there was. With her life insurance and a part time job or two he was just able to cover his expenses. I know he hated how it happened, but she would have been so proud of him. She was barely able to hold a conversation in English for more than a few minutes, and her son had graduated with high honors, and was going to college."
Alex came back outside. His hair was still damp from the shower, and his feet were bare. He was rolling his head around again, and Deb noticed.
"Alex, when was the last time you worked out?"
"Couple weeks ago. I've been sleeping in the car a lot, and most motel rooms don't have space for it."
"Assume the position, mister. Now." Debbie jumped up to sit on the railing and indicated the bench between her feet with a stern finger. Alex hid a smile as he dragged his feet over and sat. His smile grew wider as Debbie put her hands on his shoulders and began to knead the tight muscles there.
"Oh, yeahhhh...right there." Alex's reaction was nearly obscene.
I wonder if he moans like that during sex... thought Mulder. His eyes half shut, mouth opening....
"Fox! Are you with us?" asked Debbie teasingly. "Do you want to learn how to do this? Usually Alex works out his kinks doing Tai Chi, but he's way too tight right now. Come over here next to me."
Mulder walked over and sat on the railing to her right. She took his hand and put it on Alex's shoulder, just at the base of the neck. "Feel how tight that is? Use your thumb and fingers to gently work the muscle. He'll let you know if it hurts."
Mulder self-consciously tried to imitate her practiced motions. Touching Alex without anger was something totally new. Not since they had been partnered had he been this close to the man without violence. But now all he could think about was how good touching another person could feel. Debbie was going on to explain how Alex's balance was off center now, and as a result, he used his body in different ways. This could result in overworked muscles, which he was too proud to ask for help with.
"I'm still here," said Alex drowsily.
Mulder smiled. Scully used to do the same thing to me -- get all clinical and dry to mask her mother-tiger instincts. Alex smelled like a forest after the rain, spicy and a little wild. Okay, this is dangerous. You don't even know how he feels about you now. God knows you've done your best to make him hate you. At the very least you're lucky he's letting you do this. "Alex, is this okay?"
"Mmmm...yeahhh...good..."
Debbie moved off the railing so Mulder could slide over and use both hands. She picked up the tray with the remains of their breakfast and said, to no one in particular, "I'll be in the kitchen."
After she left, Mulder felt awkward. He had all this new information, including some that he was sure Alex didn't want him to have. He was determined to find out what was really between them now -- whether it was the beginnings of a friendship, or something more. Something deeper. But knowing what he did about Alex's past made him hesitant to push too hard.
"Mulder, why are you doing this?"
"Why, don't you like it?"
"Of course I like it, but it's not necessary. I'll be fine."
"Alex, you got like this because you were protecting me. The least I can do is help you feel better. I'm starting to realize just how many times you've probably saved my ass over the years. It's kind of embarrassing."
"Forty-two."
"What? You're making that up."
"Well, it's gotta be the answer to something!"
"So you're just gonna keep trying, right?"
"Yeah, I -- Oh, God, Mulder, right there -- uhhhhhh. Damn, you're good at that. You better stop, though. If I get any more relaxed you'll have to carry me into the house."
"Oh, we can't have that, can we? You've got to keep your edge." A thought occurred to Mulder, and as usual, he wasted no time voicing it. "Is anyone after you right now, Alex? Are you on the run?"
"No, that's the great thing about being dead. Nobody thinks to look for you. Skinner did me quite a favor, killing me like that."
A shudder ran through Mulder's body. His hands were still resting on Alex's shoulders, and Alex turned questioningly. "What's wrong? Jesus, Mulder, you look awful."
"Sorry, just -- been reliving that moment a little too frequently in my nightmares lately, thanks. Do me a favor, okay, Alex? Don't ever make me watch you die again."
Alex stared at him. "Mulder, that wasn't the plan. They wanted you dead. The replicant was supposed to kill you, but I guess there was too much of me left in him."
"That's not really what I meant. I just --" Mulder needed to move, to do something. He got off the railing and started to pace in front of Alex. "When I saw Skinner coming with his gun out, I was supposed to feel relieved, right? Like everything was going to be fine, the good guys would win and we'd all go home happy. And then he shot you. His face, it was so -- dead. There wasn't even any anger there. He was just -- cold. He shot you three times, Alex. The last one right in the middle of your head. God, I can still hear the echoes. And I saw you lying there on the concrete floor, and part of my brain was yelling 'No, that's not how it ends! Go back, it's wrong, do it right this time!' And the part of my brain that actually gets things done was already moving, getting me into the car, going after Scully. I stopped after about three miles and threw up. And then I kept on going. Because even if it wasn't right, it was....It happened. And there was somebody else I could save."
"Jesus, Mulder, I ---"
"No, you don't understand. I don't understand. How did it all get so fucked up, Alex? I can't even stand to be in the same room with him anymore. That's why I don't see Scully and the baby."
Alex put out his hand to stop Mulder's restless pacing and caught him by the wrist. "Mulder, he had reasons to want me dead. You know that."
Mulder stopped in front of Alex and said, almost angrily, "Don't defend him. I know what his reasons were. And I know how he looked when he did it. Dammit, Alex, I don't want to see that anymore. I want it out of my head."
Alex's hand rested on Mulder's wrist for another brief moment, then slipped down to grab his hand. He slid off the bench and pulled him toward the door. "Let's go inside, Mulder. I got your stuff out of the car. Take a shower, you'll feel better."
Mulder followed silently. At the door, Alex had to release his hand to work the latch, and when he turned to look back to make sure Mulder was still following, he saw the pain in the older man's eyes. Pain, and something else. Despair? Shit. Not now. This was supposed to help him, you idiot.
"Mulder, listen to me. Look at me. Come on."
Mulder met his gaze unwillingly. "It's not as bad as you think. I promise. People do things sometimes, things they never thought they could or would be able to do. Skinner was a Marine, Mulder. In Vietnam. He's probably seen more shit than I have, for chrissakes. You learn to ... turn it off. How to distance yourself from what you need to do. Dissociative behavior. Remember that from Psych 101? You need to talk to him; find out what really was going on in his head that night before you condemn him. Please?"
"I can't believe you're saying this."
"And here I thought you could believe anything."
That coaxed a small smile from Mulder, and Alex sighed in relief. Crisis averted, for now. Time to distract him. "So go take a shower and then you can quiz me some more about my misspent youth. Meanwhile I'm going to check my email and see what I've missed the past couple of days."
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Mulder came back downstairs after his shower to hear the sound of Alex singing along with Jethro Tull as he happily waded through his messages. A million generations / Removed from expectations of / Being who you really want to be... Mulder wandered into the small office off the dining room and leaned against the doorframe. A happy Alex was a sight to behold. I never knew he could sing. Of course, there's evidently quite a lot I never knew -- never had time to know. Looks like we may have some time now, though.
"Skating away / on the thin ice of a new day-yay-ay-ay -- son of a BITCH! NO!!"
Debbie came running from the kitchen. "What? What's wrong?" She pushed past Mulder and ran to Alex's side. "Did you find him? Alex, what is it?"
Alex looked up at her, his face pale. "He's in Wyoming. He's dead."
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Alex's eyes were wild. "Cell phone, where did I leave my fucking cell phone..."
Mulder fished his out of his jacket and held it out. "Here." Uncharacteristically, he refrained from further speech.
Alex mumbled his thanks as he dialled, pacing the length of the dining room. The call was finally answered at the other end. "Rico, it's me. Yes, I just now...well, I didn't know...do NOT tell me to calm down...I'm at a friend's house...just tell me where...fuck. How sure are you it's him? Yeah... All right. Listen, I've got to go. I need to get some cash for the trip, the bank's gonna close...are you insane? Jesus, I never thought I'd hear the letters A, T, and M come out of your mouth...I know...No, I'm driving...because I don't like airports anymore...Okay, here, talk to Mulder... Yes, your Mulder, how the hell many Mulders do I know?" He tossed the phone to Mulder and said "Back in half an hour," as he headed out the door.
Mulder stared at the closing door, then at the phone in his hand. It was squawking his name, so he carefully put it to his ear. Who do I know named Rico? "Hello?"
He was surprised to hear a familiar voice. "Mulder? What the hell are you doing there?"
"Langly?" Langly is Rico. Langly knows Alex is alive. What next? "Langly, please tell me what is going on here. Wait -- do Byers and Frohike know about Alex?"
"No, nobody else; just me and now you, I guess. Mulder, how did you find out? Dude, is Scully there? This is so bad."
"Scully doesn't know, she and I parted ways yesterday and Alex picked me up on the side of the highway. Now... WHAT IS GOING ON?"
He heard a sigh from the other end of the phone line. "It's really Alex's story, Mulder. I can't --"
"He told you to talk to me. Talk."
"Dude, I've known you a long time. But Alex and I go back even further. And this is his story, to tell or not as he chooses. Tell him I'm emailing all the info I found. He can call back if he needs anything else. And Mulder -- do NOT tell anyone else that Alex is still alive. Or he won't be. And then I will come after you myself."
Mulder was shocked into silence. This was not the Langly he knew. This was not the highly intelligent but totally geeky flake who balanced so well with Byers' calm good nature and Frohike's surly cynicism. This person actually sounded like he might be a threat to Mulder's continued good health if he was crossed. Do I really know who anybody is?
"Mulder? Did you get that?"
"Yeah, Langly, I got it. Uh -- don't worry about it."
" 'Kay. Later, dude." And the call was disconnected.
Mulder came back to himself after a moment and found his hostess staring at him. "What's going on?" he asked helplessly, not really expecting an answer anymore, but unable to keep from asking the question.
Debbie frowned. "Fox, it's really not something I feel like I can tell you. It's bad enough that I slipped up earlier. If Alex wants you to know, he'll tell you. I'm sorry, but -- " she broke off and considered him carefully. "How many people do you trust, Fox? Really trust, with your life?"
"Scully, the Gunmen and I guess Alex, now. Five."
"Well, as far as I know, for Alex the answer to that would be two. Me, and this Rico guy. Rico gives him information, and I give him a place to come home to. And we both give him our silence. He's never asked for much from me, and I can't take anything away from him. When he gets back, you can ask him to explain. Just trust me on this one, Fox. It's very painful for Alex to talk about, so don't push too much. But it's very important to him.
"Can you -- if he tells you what it's all about, can you go with him? He won't ask you to go with him. He might say he doesn't want you to. But he needs you."
Mulder smiled at this. After recent events, he was even more sure that Alex Krycek could take care of himself, regardless of the number of arms he possessed. "He won't thank you for that, you know. He doesn't need my protection at all."
"I'm not worried about that. I know he can take care of himself in a fight. But he'll try to drive straight through to Wyoming; he'll forget to eat; he's just not thinking straight right now. He needs someone to insist on stopping after eight hours of driving to get some sleep. He needs someone to make him eat lunch. And he needs someone to talk to, so he doesn't have to think so much. Can you do it? Will you?"
"I don't have much experience being the voice of reason. But if he wants me along, I'll go."
"Good. I'll go dig his stuff out from the storage closet. He'll probably need some of it."
As Debbie went upstairs, Mulder suddenly realized he hadn't yet called Scully. Dana, he reminded himself. She wants me to call her Dana. He dialed her new home number and listened to the ringing. Should have thought of a cover story before I dialed. Damn, I'm not too good at this covert stuff yet. Maybe Alex can give me some lessons.
A sleepy baritone voice intruded into his thoughts. "Hello?"
Shit. Of course it had to be him. It's his house. "Uh, good morning, s -- Walter. Is Dana there?"
"Who is this?"
"It's me. Mulder."
"Oh. Sorry, you just never -- wait, I'll get her."
Klunk of phone on table, rustling of sheets, footsteps. Damn. I think I woke him up. He heard Skinner's voice, faintly. "Dana? It's Mulder. I think."
Then he heard an extension picked up. "Mulder? Where are you?"
Normal, normal, everything's fine... "Hi, Dana. I hope I didn't wake Walter up."
"No, he was up all night with the baby, and -- Mulder, are you all right? Is there someone listening? Oh God, have you been kidnapped?"
Mulder was stuck on a new mental picture of Skinner -- walking the floor with a colicky infant, singing softly -- or maybe a boot camp drill cadence? "I don't know but I've been told..." He mentally slapped himself and reviewed the conversation. Kidnapped?
"No, I'm fine. What are you talking about?"
"You called me Dana. You called him Walter."
"Didn't you ask me to?"
"Yes, months ago, Mulder. And you never did. So I gave up. Never mind. Are you home? I'm sorry about last night, Mulder. I guess I wasn't really ready to go out in the field yet. I was just worried about leaving the baby like that, and it kind of spilled over onto you. Can you come over for dinner? Walt's making his world-famous chili."
Think fast, Oxford-boy. "I'm not home, Scully. I'm still in Connecticut. I just talked to Langly, and he needs me to do something for him in New Hampshire. I don't know when I'll be back, really. Could be two weeks or more."
Her voice was cool. "Okay, that's fine."
"Really, Sc -- Dana. I'm not upset about last night. In fact, I should be apologizing to you. I'm so sorry, Dana. I really haven't been myself lately. You had every reason in the world to be pissed off at me. You probably should have done something like that years ago."
"Yeah, well, you never let me drive." But her voice sounded amused now. It would be okay between them again. It could never be the same, but that was okay, too. Everything has to change to stay alive, even friendships.
Mulder ended the call with a promise to be in touch when he could and a kiss for the baby.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
When Alex finally walked in the door forty-five minutes later, Mulder was watching CNN again, but he shut it off quickly. He had been trying to plan what to ask, how to approach the situation so it didn't seem like an interrogation. He still had no good ideas, but it was showtime. As he watched Alex walk warily into the room, he realized what he needed to do.
"Langly said he would email the rest of what you needed."
"Okay, thanks. I'll go look at it. Where's Deb?"
"She went to make lunch. Something about making sure you get a decent meal for a change."
"Yeah, that's my Deb. So...?"
Mulder just waited.
Alex raised an eyebrow. "No interrogation? No 'Twenty Questions'? Could I check the back of your neck, please?"
Mulder patted the couch next to him, and waited for Alex to sit down. Then he said, "You can tell me what you want to, Alex. I won't deny that I'm curious. It's really very hard for me not to ask you what the hell is going on. But the only two people you seem to trust in this world have both told me that it's your decision what you want me to know, and I'm going to respect that. I called Scully and made up a story about going to New Hampshire for a week or two to look into something for Langly. I'd like to go with you, wherever you're going. You promised me a road trip, remember? But it's up to you."
Alex's eyes searched Mulder's as he tried to take in this new facet of his personality. He said, slowly, "You didn't tell Scully where you were?"
Mulder chuckled. "Hell, no, Langly threatened my very existence if I breathed a word to anybody. But I'd already figured out that I need to keep it a secret. I realize I have no right to ask for your trust, Alex, after the way I've mistreated you over the years. But I'm hoping to earn it someday."
Just then, Debbie bustled in to announce that lunch was ready. Alex made some noises about needing to check the email from Langly, but he was overruled by the simple expedient of Mulder grabbing his hand and pulling him into the kitchen. Debbie served them their lunch, and then left to run some errands.
As they ate and talked of generalities, Alex slowly relaxed. Mulder was truly not going to hound him about this. That actually made it much harder. I told him I wouldn't lie to him any more, why doesn't he just ask me what he wants to know? I mean, I want to tell him, but I don't know how. Well, if I start talking, I'm sure he won't be able to resist digging.
"Okay, Mulder, I'm very impressed with your self-control. Where do you want to start?"
"Well, if I get to choose the topic, I think I'll take 'Secret Lives of the Lone Gunmen' for 200, Alex." Mulder looked very pleased with himself.
"Ah. Rico."
"Alex, nobody calls him 'Rico'."
" I do. I met him before he decided on 'Ringo', which by the way I tried to talk him out of."
"Okay, go on. I apologize for the interruption."
Alex made a mock bow and then thought for a moment. "We met in college, freshman year. He was my roommate. Well, one of them. The other one was a redneck football player. I really think there's a wide streak of sadism in the people in charge of housing assignments. Anyway, Rico and I became friends, and the other guy flunked out after a semester."
Mulder waited while the pause expanded. He was having trouble concentrating on the food in front of him, almost visibly jittering with curiosity by now. Who's dead? I need to know!! But I can't just ask. I can't. He has to tell me. He has to trust me enough to tell me.
Alex's voice finally broke the silence. "Mulder, I can't do this."
The pain sliced through him like one of Scully's autopsy incisions. Shit shit shit. Well, what did you expect? Beat up on somebody for six or seven years; they're not going to feel all warm and fuzzy towards you. He sighed. "It's okay, Alex, I understand. I'll rent a car of my own and go back --"
"No, I mean -- I can't just sit here and talk about my life like this. It's -- it's completely foreign to me. I've never done this; I don't know what to tell you, what to leave out, where to start...so just go ahead and ask me. I want to tell you everything, Mulder, and I will. But it's fifteen years of backstory, and we don't have time. So do your thing, ask the important questions, and we can get on the road."
"You -- you'll let me go with you?"
"Mulder, I know that look in your eye. If I said no, you'd probably follow me anyway. Which would piss me off, and we don't need that. 'Cause, you know, I found the duct tape." But he was smiling as he said it, a sexy, evil smirk which gave Mulder a glimmer of hope for the future. Their future.
"Oh, Alex, you say the sweetest things..." Mulder said with a smirk of his own, and waited until Alex stopped choking on the bite of food he had been trying to swallow. "Okay, how 'bout if I start with five questions?"
"Such restraint! Go ahead."
"Give me a minute here, I need to make them count. Okay, here's number one is Krycek your real name?"
"Ahh, good one. Yes, it is my legal name. No, it is not the name I was born with. I was born Alexander Paul Davidson. I changed it when I turned twenty-one."
"Hmmm ... What was your major in college?"
"I had a double major, actually. Computer Science and Criminal Justice. Do not laugh." Mulder shook his head, lips tightly pressed together. "Okay. I graduated with a 3.80 GPA, and went to work writing software. I had applied to the FBI Academy, and although they were quite impressed with my grades, they were less than thrilled by my mother's background -- two steps away from the steppes, as one of my interviewers put it. I hope he's burning in hell right now. Anyway, I was writing software, mostly databases in those days, a few games for fun; nobody knew then what would happen in just a few years. And then one day a man came up to my table when I was eating lunch. He told me he could get me into the FBI Academy, if I still wanted it. He ran a special division, sort of a watchdog group. Very secret, black ops, shhh. And he had seen my application and he wanted me. I think you can guess the rest, Mulder."
Mulder nodded. "Question three Are you still with the KGB?"
"Hmmm. The question presumes facts not in evidence, your honor. Comrade Arntzen is still a member in good standing, as it were. However, the good comrade is missing and presumed dead, so I would have to say no to that one. I was never a member of the KGB, Mulder. Just like I wasn't really part of that militia group. It's astounding what kind of documentation you can come up with given a computer and a really dedicated hacker."
"How are you financing this little jaunt?"
Alex bristled a bit at that one. "Nervous about blood money, Mulder?" At Mulder's patient stare, he relaxed. "Sorry, that was a cheap shot. Okay, remember I said I started out working in software design? I had a knack for spotting problems before they could happen, and that meant my programs ran smoother and needed fewer upgrades than others. Not to brag, Mulder, but everything I wrote was Y2K compliant even back in 1986. I made sure to get my name on the licenses of all my work. Well, Alex Davidson still gets very nice royalty checks from the first products I licensed, and I've been busy on other little projects over the years. Deb is my distributor. We take orders for games and utilities on the website, and she sends the software out and keeps the books. It's a fairly lucrative business. Of course, it's not quite as exciting as my former profession, but I think we both know exciting isn't always what I'm looking for in a job description."
"Are you ready for the last question?"
"Yes." He was absolutely ready. He knew what was coming. He would answer in a dry, calm, unemotional voice, and then it would be over. "Ask the question, Mulder."
"So tell me Alex -- this road trip we're taking -- am I Thelma or Louise?"
Alex's eyes opened wide, and he started to laugh. He laughed so hard he forgot how to breathe. Then, with barely a change of expression, he started to cry. Mulder pulled his chair over beside Alex, and put an arm around his shoulders. Alex turned his face into the older man's shoulder, and Mulder's other arm came around him to hold him tight. "Shhh, it's okay, I know, shhh, I've got you," he murmured. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to --"
"It's okay, Mulder," Alex said. He raised his head and sat back in his chair. Mulder handed him a napkin off the table to wipe his face. "I'm okay. It's just --"
"You thought I was going to ask who died."
"Yeah, I was all set for that one. Damn you, anyway. You never do what I expect you to."
"But I already know. It was your father, wasn't it? You had Langly working on finding him, and he did. So now you're going to Wyoming, to see why he never came back. To see what was so much better than you and your mother to keep him there. And you're angry because he died before you could talk to him; before you could tell him you had survived without him."
Alex just stared.
"Will it insult your intelligence if I tell you that nothing any five- year-old boy ever did made his father leave home?"
"Jesus, Mulder, you really are spooky."
"To quote a friend of mine, 'Yeah, I am. It's what I do.' "
Alex smiled. "That sounds really good, Mulder. Us being friends, I mean. It's a good start." He sighed. "Let's get going. I've got to check out that information Langly sent, and plan the trip. You wanna help?"
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Alex's father, Paul Davidson, had been living under the name of David Paulson ("He wasn't even trying," Alex complained), in the town of Jackson, Wyoming. According to the trip-planning software Alex used, it would be a five-day trip, if they drove eight hours each day. They printed out the directions and a map, and combed through the information Langly had sent, getting "Paulson's" last address and workplace.
Debbie came back from her errands with three bags of Alex's favorite "car food" for the trip. While they were trying to fit the bags into the car, Mulder remembered that he was out of clean clothes, having packed for only a three day trip. There was a flurry of laundry and repacking.
They were finally ready to leave by three. Almost.
"What do you mean, I can't drive?"
"Mulder, it's my car. I get to drive. If I want you to take the wheel once in a while, I'll let you know. Get in."
"Fine, passenger picks the music."
" Fine, they're all my CD's anyway."
"Can we at least put the top down?"
"Yeah, okay, we'll put the top down. Crybaby."
"I heard that!"
"You were meant to."
But they were laughing as the hugged Debbie goodbye and pulled out of the driveway. First stop, Erie, Pennsylvania, just because Mulder liked the name. Just because.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Mulder's voice came from out of the darkness, sounding like a documentary narrator. "Day fifty-three...supplies running low...may be forced to eat Alex to stay alive..."
The meal in question giggled. "Do I get any say in that, Mulder?"
"Yeah, you can pick the body part I start with."
Did he just say that? 'Cause if it's my choice, I'm pretty sure I know what part of me I'd like to stick in his mouth. Damn. It's gonna be a long trip.
"I still can't believe we're driving to Wyoming."
"Hey, I like this car. I'm not gonna abandon it if I don't have to. And I'm in no particular hurry to get there. He's not going anywhere. You're just upset because I won't let you drive."
"Am not."
"Stop pouting. I find that very unattractive in a man." Although on you, it looks way too good.
"Oh? And what do you find attractive?"
He's doing it again. Why now? Why me?....Shit, why not?
"Are you flirting with me, Mulder?"
"Just asking a question. Are you gonna answer it?"
Alex took a deep breath and let it out. Not quite a sigh, but almost. Okay, big guy, you really wanna know? Just don't hurt yourself jumping out of the car. "A sick sense of humor and a nice firm ass. Any other questions?"
Mulder just smiled. It was a start. And now that they were on the road, who knew what would happen...
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
That night in the first in their parade of econo-motel rooms, after determining the total lack of interesting television programs, Mulder nagged Alex into continuing the game of "Name that Movie" they had started in the car. Each reclining on his own bed now, barefoot and sprawled, comfortable with each other in ways they hadn't ever been before.
" 'We're gonna need a bigger boat.' "
"Too easy. Jaws. My turn...hmmm....'I don't know if I agree with your police work 100% there, Lou.' "
"Fargo. Okay, let me think...got one! 'If Marxie Heller's so fuckin' smart, how come he's so fuckin' dead?' "
"Prizzi's Honor."
"Damn, I thought I had you on that one, Mulder. I am seriously running out of movies here. We need a new game. Your turn."
"I really want to kiss you right now."
Silence.
"Did you hear me, Alex?"
"Yeah, I'm thinking. That's a tough one. Gimme a hint."
"It's not a quote, Alex; it's just a fact."
"You...what?" Suddenly there was no air in the room. Alex couldn't draw a breath. I must be dreaming. "Mulder...?"
"Fox. Please. I want to hear you say it."
"Mulder, are you joking? Because I -- shit! Since when are you -- ?"
The older man laughed. "Since the first time I saw you. I thought 'God, I have got to get him out of that suit.' I was so lost in mentally undressing you, I completely missed the whole hand- shake moment. Alex, I've known I was bi since high school. It's just not very often I meet anyone who's worth the trouble."
"And...are you saying...?"
"I *still* want you. If you feel the same, that is."
Alex's voice came softly. "Fox... I -- I do. I've wanted that since I met you."
His name on Alex's lips sent desire surging through Mulder. "So why are you still waay over there on the other bed?" he asked, teasingly.
The voice was rough now. "I'm afraid to move. I've had this dream before... and waking up just when I reach out for you is -- it's really a drag."
"Alex, you're not dreaming. This is me; this is real. And if you're not going to move, I guess I will." With that, Mulder arose from his bed and took the two steps across to Alex. He sank down onto the mattress and placed his hand on Alex's warm thigh. He could feel the tension there, and began to massage it away, moving his hand slowly up to the heat above.
Alex moaned, then reached out for...Fox. He had always called Mulder that in his fantasies, and now --.
It was strange to feel so tentative, so...unsure. He was always the aggressor when it came to sex, whether it was a man or woman in the bed. Big bad Alex the stud. And now he had no idea how to proceed. This was so far out of reality -- well, look who he was talking about. But he knew he needed to kiss that mouth, right *now*, before Mulder came to his senses and realized what he was doing. He reached out, grasped the back of Mulder's head and pulled him in. Just one kiss.
This wasn't just a kiss, though. It was more, so much more that it had no name, only feeling. Heat. Blazing heat, too-close-to-a- bonfire heat, bone-melting, soul-destroying, please God don't let it stop heat. Tongues searching for their mates, circling, duelling, I win, you win. And the taste of him. Salt from those damn seeds, coffee from dinner, a bit of cinnamon; it was indefinable. It was incredible. It was everything.
After what seemed about twenty-seven years, Alex came back to himself enough to know that Mulder was trying to take off his shirt. His hands were roaming around Alex's chest, until they encountered the straps of his prosthesis. And stopped.
Shit. This is the part that always stopped me before. Sometimes I can almost forget it's there. Nice ride while it lasted.
Mulder drew back, feeling the hesitation, and looked into Alex's face. Watched the honest emotions that had been there a moment before fade away to be hidden behind the mask he had always hated. The one that so coolly looked out over the world and let no one inside. He needed to crack that mask, smash it into a million pieces and sweep it away so it couldn't be found again.
"Alex, please, let me -- " Mulder pulled the shirt over Alex's head and down his arms. His fingers found the fastenings of the straps and fumbled a bit. Alex didn't stop him, but didn't help either.
And then Mulder saw why. The scars were ugly. There was no other word for it -- oh, maybe horrific, but that wasn't any better. Look what I did to him. My selfish, foolish, blind search for a truth that was never there. How can he not hate me every day of his life? How can he let me touch him, let me near him? Mulder's eyes closed, and he bowed his head. "Oh, God, Alex, I -- I'm sorry. I never --"
Alex was up and moving away before the next words could be spoken. His voice was bitter. "It's okay, Mulder. Really. I understand. How can anybody want to --"
" No." The word was a whipcrack. Alex stopped and looked back to the bed where Mulder still sat, head in his hands. Saw the anguish on the face as the head was raised, saw the tears in the eyes that met his. "No, Alex, I didn't mean -- don't .... Please. It's just hard for me to ... face what I did to you. What my arrogance cost you. I don't feel disgust, or pity, or anything close to that. I'm just so *fucking* sorry. And I don't know how I can ever make it right. How you can let me touch you after ...."
Alex was across the room in two steps. He knelt beside the bed and put his hand on the side of Mulder's face. Looked deep into the tormented eyes. "I don't blame you anymore, Mulder. Listen to me. It was no one's fault entirely. Blame the bastards who started the testing. Blame the idiots who started cutting off people's arms. Hell, blame Marita for getting you the papers. It was the end product of a long string of events, and God knows I had my own part in them. If you hadn't mistrust-- no. If I hadn't given you every reason to mistrust me, maybe you wouldn't have thrown me in the back of that truck. But I knew they were listening in that cell. I couldn't give you any reassurances. And you wouldn't have believed them anyway.
"It's the past, Mulder. All of it. And I want to move on. Do you?" He held his breath and waited for the answer.
It came in the form of another kiss. This one was all sweetness and promise, a taste of things to come. Alex moved up off his knees, feeling one pop as he did. Damn, am I getting too old for this? He pushed Mulder back against the pillows and deepened the kiss. Heat again, and something else now. He was in charge and it felt good. Felt great. Like nothing ever before. All his fantasies, in this one man. "Stay right there - don't you dare move."
He stood up and began to unfasten his jeans. Stared straight into Mulder's eyes as he slowly peeled down the zipper. Worked the tight denim down past his impossibly hard cock. Past his knees, down to his ankles, to be kicked off. His briefs followed the jeans into the corner under the chair, and then he was back on the bed. "Your turn, Mulder. Strip for me. Make it good."
Mulder's eyes said he understood about being in charge, and just this once he wouldn't fight about it. He stood and stretched for effect, then walked over to the dresser. Leaning one hip against it, he began to work the buttons of his blue oxford shirt. One by one, they released, revealing the ever-so-gorgeous chest that Alex remembered. Leaving the shirt hanging from his shoulders, he caressed his pecs, sliding his fingertips over the hardening nipples. Lowering his hands now, he popped the first button of his jeans. Then the second. Third.
Alex's cock was twitching with need, but this show was so fine; too entrancing to interrupt. Who knew Mulder could be like this? Was there a sign I missed? I really thought I had him pegged, after all these years. And what am I complaining about? Fuck, he's so beautiful.
Mulder smiled. "Alex? So are you."
Fuck, that was out loud. I've lost it.
"Don't stop now, dammit. I want you naked."
"I thought you said to make it good?"
"Jesus, Mulder if you don't stop arguing with me..."
"Yeesss?"
"I have a much better use for your mouth."
"Really? And what would that be?"
" Mulder. Pants. Off. Now."
For a wonder, Mulder obeyed quickly and almost leapt onto the bed. Hands moved over skin, touching, teasing, loving. Mouths following hands, licking, nipping, tasting. A storm of feelings and pleasure, with no clear end in sight. Alex found himself turned over onto his stomach, and then...
For the second time that night, he felt Mulder freeze. He craned his head around to see what the problem was, and found the hazel-golden gaze fixed on his ass. Specifically on the left buttock.
"Alex?"
Ooops
"Alex, could you please help me out here? An explanation of some kind?"
"I was very drunk, Mulder. It was right after -- well, let's just say I thought I'd never see you again."
"I see. So you get some woman's name tattooed on your ass to celebrate?"
"What?"
"Alex, who the fuck is Lisa?"
Alex started to laugh. He couldn't help it. Samuel Beckett couldn't have written a scene this absurd. He turned over and pulled Mulder down on top of him, nestling their cocks together.
"Mulder -- Fox -- baby, are you jealous?"
"Well, I -- no, " he pouted.
Alex laughed harder. "It's not a woman's name in Russian."
"What?"
"It's Russian. It's the Russian word for 'fox'. It's your name, you idiot. Sometimes when I drink, I forget how to speak English. Evidently when I told the tattoo artist what I wanted it to say, I -- well, he didn't question it. And I kinda liked it. Like a secret only I would ever appreciate. Still mad?"
A smile stole across Mulder's face. "Depends...can I say that your ass is mine, now?"
"It always has been. Always."
Mulder responded by grinding his crotch sharply into Alex's. "Prove it."
"I was trying to, before you had your little hissy fit..."
"Oh, you're gonna pay for that one."
"Oooh, I'm so scared. Whatcha gonna do, big strong FBI man? Handcuffs?"
"Will you stop laughing?"
"Make m-- mmmphmmmm"
Dear God in heaven, whatever I did to get to this, I promise to do it more often, but please don't let him stop.
Strong hands stroking over his shoulders, down the one arm, and gently, so gently over the ruins of the other. Kisses on his face, his neck, his ear
tickles, ooh, so good
down to the collarbone. Sucking, biting, licking,
leave a mark, I dare you
...down to the chest.
Lower, lower, oh yesss, rightthere. Mmm.
Hands on his cock now, petting it like a kitten
where the fuck did that thought come from?
and now the mouth on him, and ohhhhhhhhgodohgodohgod
"Alex?"
"Hmm"
"Hey!"
"Wha-?"
"Do you have -- um -- supplies?"
oh no not NOW don't stop NOW
"Mulder, you don't have condoms?"
"Alex, I was on a case with Scully, for chrissakes. Why would I bring condoms? It's been quite a while since I've needed them."
"Check. Your. Wallet. Because I may have to shoot someone if you are not in my ass in like three seconds."
"Greedy slut. Owww." Mulder winced at the fingers twisting his left nipple and got up. "I'm checking my wallet now....Hey! I forgot about these! They were a present from Frohike last Christmas."
"Mulder, please tell me they aren't really that color."
"Yeah, and look -- they have little eyes, too."
"Oh, God, why me? All right, get your frighteningly green alien- head condoms and your lovely ass over here and fuck me. Now."
"Are you always going to be this bossy?"
"I really think I might."
"Good, 'cause I like it. For now."
A beautiful smile, a growl, a moan...who was that? Does it matter? Lube? Little bottle of lotion from the bathroom works just fine...
"....nownownownownow. Oh. GOD. yesyesyes"
Afterglow....
"Alex..."
"Now what?"
"I love you."
"Mmm. You better."
"That's all I get?"
"Depends."
"On?"
"Can I call you Fox when you're not trying to seduce me?"
"Depends."
"I love you, Fox."
"Oh, yeah. That works."
"Do you think it'll always be..."
"That much fun? We can but try, I suppose."
"Sounds like a plan, Thelma. OW!"
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Dark. So peaceful and dark. Sleep is so good when there are no nightmares. The best thing in the world. Almost.
"Aaaaaleeeex..."
It was a teasing whisper, full of promise. It was accompanied by a feather-light touch of lips to the tip of an exposed ear.
Thwack!
"Ow! Jesus!"
"Shit, Mulder! What the hell did you think you were doing? Oh, God, let me get some ice..." Alex ran to the ice bucket on the dresser. It was nearly empty, just a bit of water at the bottom. "Hang on, let me get some pants on..." He struggled into his jeans and ran out the door to the ice machine at the end of the hallway. Ran back to the room for the ice bucket. Ran back to the ice machine...
When Alex got back with the ice, Mulder was still sitting on the floor where he had fallen, holding a hand to his face.
Where he fell after you hit him.
Shut up.
Nice job, Alex.
Shut the fuck up!
Alex grabbed a washcloth from the bathroom, awkwardly wrapped some ice in it, and offered it to Mulder. He fell to his knees beside him. "Can I look at it? Jesus, I'm so sorry, Mulder. I just got startled, and -- dammit. I never meant to do that."
Mulder's answer was a blank stare at first, and then he slowly nodded. Removing the icepack momentarily, he said, "I'm sorry too. I should have known better."
Alex took the opportunity to examine Mulder's nose. He gently felt for the side-to-side movement that would mean a trip to the emergency room.
"Is it broken?"
"No, it's not even bleeding. Mulder, for both of our sakes, please don't try that again. I'm not used to sleeping with someone. I don't like surprises in the morning."
Mulder grinned wryly. "Confucious say, 'Wake sleeping tiger with long stick.' I'll remember next time. I just wanted to ..."
"I know. We'll work it out. Just give me some time to get used to this, okay?
"Okay."
Alex sighed. Life on the road with Mulder would never be boring. "Keep the ice on it. I'm going to go take a shower." He walked over to his bag and rummaged through it to find clean clothes.
"Alex?"
"Hmm?"
"Do you need help scrubbing your back?"
"No, Mulder, I've got a brush for that. Thanks anyway."
Alex went into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. First things first. He really needed to pee. Oh, yeah, much better. Mission accomplished. Now for the shower. As he took off his jeans and tossed them into the corner, it hit him.
He didn't really think you needed help, you moron. He wanted to take a shower with you. A shower. With. You. And you just turned him down. In no uncertain terms. "No, Mulder, I've got a brush for that." Jesus, what a fucking idiot. Okay, so last night he told you he loves you, whatever that means, and you said it back, whatever that means, and now you've just insulted him or rejected him and he's probably packing right now and how could you possibly manage to fuck up your life any further?
His mental voice was getting a bit shrill. Maybe if I go back out there and …
What? Grovel?
Apologize.
Same fucking thing. Have some pride, for chrissakes.
No, it isn't the same thing. And I thought I told you to shut up.
I think perhaps you need my advice.
No, I really don't. Because neither one of us has any experience in this sort of thing.
What does that mean?
It means that I think some things might be more important than my pride. It means some things are worth groveling for. And one of them is sitting on the floor holding ice on his nose. And he may be feeling as stupid as I am. And the only way to fix this is to go out there and find out. So shut up or get out.
He took a deep breath, and then another one. When was the last time he had felt so scared? Hey, he was Alex-fucking-Krycek, nothing scared him. Right. Except looking foolish, evidently. Except confronting his feelings, and the feelings of someone he had hurt. Again. Shit. Shit shit shit shit. Open the door.
"Uh. Mulder?"
He was still sitting in the middle of the floor with the icepack to his face. When he heard Alex's voice, he stiffened. "What?"
"I. Um. There's. There's a spot on my right elbow that never seems to get really clean. So I. Could maybe. Use some help with it. Unless your offer was limited to just my back." He gave a tentative smile, and waited for an answer.
Please, please, please
Mulder's smile was the sweetest thing Alex had ever seen. "I think we could re-negotiate the offer. Providing the incentives are favorable enough."
Thank God. I can do this. "Oh, I got your incentives right here, Mulder."
"Yes you do. Oh, my. Alex, you have beautiful incentives." Mulder stood up and started across the floor to where Alex waited, tossing the makeshift icepack into the bucket as he passed it.
He did not just say that.
Alex felt his face grow hot. Are you blushing? Get a grip. It's not like he meant it or anything. He's just flirting, in that odd way of his.
I really want you out of my head. You're not helping.
By the time Mulder reached him, Alex had himself back in some semblance of control. Which evaporated at the first touch of his lover's hand.
It was just a simple stroke of a palm across a flushed cheek, but the tenderness of the moment threatened to undo everything he held wound so tightly inside himself. The hand left his face to move across his right shoulder, gently stroking the collarbone with a restless thumb.
"I want you to know something, Alex." The raspy almost-purr weakened his knees considerably. "It's not just sex. It's you; who you are; that's what I want."
It would be so much easier if it were just sex. Who I am isn't ready for this.
Mulder wasn't finished. "But if you're not ready to give me that, I'll take what I can get. It's been a long time since I felt like this...in fact, I'm not sure I ever have felt like this before. I think with our history, it'll be much too easy for one of us to hurt the other. And I'm not talking about my nose. So I'm laying it all out, right here, and I want you to listen and believe it. I enjoy being with you. I don't want this to end. Whatever you can give me, I want it. If it's just sex for you..." His voice trailed off. "Okay, well, I don't want to know that."
"It's not. Just sex. It's...I don't know what it is. When I said that last night...when I told you I loved you...that's real. But I don't know what it means. I don't know how to be in love with you. I know I want to keep you safe. I know I want to be with you. I enjoy your company, Mulder, especially now that you're not beating me up all the time." A sideways glance through his lashes to see how that was received. "But I don't know how to have a "relationship" anymore."
"Does that mean you don't want help with your -- what was it? elbow?"
"Oh, no, I absolutely want help with my elbow. And there's another body part that needs some of your special attention."
"Let me think...left knee? No? Hmmm.. how about ...here?" And Mulder's lips gently grazed the same ear he had previously tasted so briefly. This time, though, Alex's reaction was much more appropriate to the moment.
"Ohhhh, yes, that's - hmm. Yeah."
"Alex, it has come to my notice that we are both naked here." Mulder's hands smoothed up over Alex's chest and down his back to clasp at his waist. His mouth switched to the other ear.
"Mmm?" Alex pushed forward slightly to rub his erection against Mulder's. He leaned his head in to smell the incredible Mulderscent that had always fascinated and aroused him. Mine. Finally mine. His hand crept up to stroke the soft hair at the nape of Mulder's neck.
"And that there's a perfectly good shower through this doorway that you're standing in."
"So?" God, what is that? His shampoo? Nobody uses the same kind of shampoo for seven years. He tried a lick behind the ear to see if the taste was as good as the smell. Oh yeah. Better, in fact. His tongue came out again.
"So back up and let's get wet, lover."
"Wet. Yeah. Good idea." He slowly began backing up, pulling Mulder along, trying to keep contact between them at a maximum. The friction between their cocks was intense, and he thought back to the night before. The way Mulder had made him incoherent with need just by touching him. Surely this wasn't how things really were. Surely it had been because it was so long since he...no, who was he trying to kid? It was Mulder, all of him, having the man in his bed at last, being wanted like this. Because there was no doubt that there was want and desire there. And now there was this other thing. This thing where somebody said 'I love you' and it meant more than 'That was great, I'm done, where's my shirt?'...
And the kissing, don't forget the kissing...
What a good idea. I knew you'd come up with something useful one of these days.
Alex kissed a path around from Mulder's neck to the underside of his chin, and up to the lips. The stubble felt so good beneath his mouth.
"Alex..."
"Mmmm." Oh, God, yes, the kissing. That's why I was incoherent. Christ. And Alex remembered what this mouth, this gorgeous mouth, had felt like on his cock. So hot, so greedy, like I'm the only thing in the world he can ever have and he wants all of me.
They reached the tub at last, and Mulder's hand snaked in through the shower curtain to turn on the water. He fumbled a bit, then broke off the kiss and sighed in frustration. "Hold that thought." He pulled the curtain aside so that he could see what he was doing and found the correct dial to turn and knob to pull, and adjusted the temperature. He then climbed into the tub, dragging Alex with him.
It was a tight fit, two six-foot-tall men in a small hotel-bathroom shower. They stood sideways to the water, letting it pour over their heads as they kissed again, tongues searching for any possible unexplored territory in the other's mouth. Alex leaned in, pushing Mulder back against the wall. The cold of the tiles made him jump, and they almost lost their footing.
Mulder snickered. "Careful, I don't want to end up in the hospital after all."
"No, that would really ruin the plans I have for you. Stop talking and kiss me some more."
"Again with the bossiness?"
Alex bit Mulder's bottom lip in answer. Always wanted to do that. "God, you are so impossibly sexy. How did we ever last this long without ... this?"
"I don't know. If I had any idea it would be this amazing, I would have gotten you out of that horrible suit and maybe you wouldn't..."
Alex stopped him with a kiss. "No, Mulder. No regrets for you. We can't get back to that time. And the past is what shapes what we are. It's entirely possible it wouldn't have been like this, back then. We didn't know each other like we do now. It might have been just sex, and we both would have moved on, and we wouldn't be here...with me doing this," and he reached down to cup Mulder's ass, "and I wouldn't be saying how much I want you, and need you, right now." He looked into Mulder's eyes, checking for -- what? Hesitation? Did Mulder understand what he meant?
Mulder's slow smile seemed to indicate that yes, he understood perfectly well. "I'm hoping that means you want to wear the other alien-head condom?"
"Oh, gawd, I forgot. Frankly, Mulder, no, I don't want to wear that freaky thing. But I do want to be inside you. Dammit." He started to laugh. "We are the most fucked-up pair in the history of -- I don't know. I've made a career out of planning ahead, thinking ahead; always having backups for my backups. How is it you can undo all that just by touching me?" He leaned his head down onto Mulder's shoulder.
"Alex? This may be the right time to mention that I'm really absolutely sure that I'm clean. I mean, they tested me seventeen ways from Sunday after I ... returned. And there's been no one since. Well, not so many before, either, for that matter. But you probably knew that anyway."
Alex's head came back up so that he could see Mulder's face. "For the record, I have never once in my life had sex without a condom. And I tested clean a year ago, and I haven't actually had time to fit sex into my busy schedule lately, so..."
"So I really don't see that we have a problem here. Do you?" Mulder's hands had been wandering over Alex's strong back and shoulders, feeling the muscles under the wet skin.
"No, I don't see any problem at all. Are you really sure about this?"
"It may seem a little soon to be saying this, Alex, but I want what we have to last. I can't ever imagine doing this with anyone else. I'm making a commitment here, right now. I understand what it means, and I want it more than anything I have ever wanted before in my life."
"Wow. Jesus. I was actually just asking if you were sure you wanted to - uh - bottom."
"Oh."
"But the other thing is good too." Well, that was smooth. "I mean, oh, shit, Mulder, you turn me into a babbling idiot everytime you're near me. Uh -- okay, here goes: I'm willing to give you as much of me as there is, for as long as you want it." He smiled slyly and grabbed Mulder's cock, stroking it slowly but firmly. "And if you ever try to leave, I'll track you down and kill you. How's that for a commitment?"
"That's my sweet-talkin' guy."
"But, Mulder? We have a bit of a situation here."
"Yeah, I know; I'm trying to get you to fuck me."
"Yes, and you're facing the wrong way. Didn't they teach you basic anatomy at Oxford?"
Snerk. "Very funny. You know you need to let go of that so I can move, right?"
"What, this?"
"Careful, I'm gonna need that later."
"Oh, yeah you are. But just for now, I'll let go so you can turn around."
They carefully untangled their feet and Mulder started to turn. "Um, Alex? This may be a good time to mention that I've never actually...done...this. With anyone. Before. And I really, really want to, but..."
" 'S okay, Mulder, just face toward the end of the tub. Now brace yourself with your arms on the edge. I promise you'll like this. And I'll stop if you need me to. Just relax, baby. Everything's good." Alex's hand stroked Mulder's back soothingly.
"Ohhh, I like that."
"Feels good?"
"Yeah, but -- when you call me 'baby'. Your voice is incredible. It just -- doeshings to me. Hot, sexy things"
"You like it better than 'Fox'?"
"Oh, yeah."
"Okay, 'cause that felt a little weird."
"Well, good, that's settled then."
"Baby?" He felt a shiver run across Mulder's back.
"Oh, God. What?"
He giggled. "Just checking." Alex's hand left off its stroking and there was nothing for a moment.
"Alex...please. I will beg you if I have to, but just do something."
"I am trying to unwrap this stupid wet soap wrapper with one hand and my teeth."
"Give it to me...there."
"Thank you."
"You don't have to pretend around me. Just ask if you need help."
"Thanks. I will. Well, I'll try. But I'm all set now. No help required."
He used his hand and Mulder's back to work the soap into a lather, and then began to spread the slickness down towards Mulder's ass. "Don't wiggle so much."
"Can't help it, I'm ticklish there."
"Get over it." He found the small opening and circled it with his index finger. "I'm just gonna put in one finger, babe, okay? We need to do this slow or it'll hurt. Are you ready?"
"Yessss, oh God, Alex, please."
Slowly he worked his finger into the tightness. His cock was screaming at him to hurry, but he knew it had to be this way. "How's that feel? Okay?"
"More, I need more, pleasepleaseplease."
"Now who's the greedy slut? Two fingers now. There."
"Uhhhh. Oh, Alex. Yesyesyes. Do it. Just do it, damn you. God, please, please, Alex, please..." Mulder's hips pressed back onto Alex's fingers restlessly.
"Mulder, I don't want to hurt you --"
"Alex, I swear to God you will not hurt me so would you just please do it. I want to know what it feels like to have you inside me. I want to know what you felt last night when I was inside you. I want -- I want you."
Alex slicked his cock and carefully pressed the tip against the resistant ring of muscle and gently began to press inwards. His hand made soothing circles on Mulder's back. "Okay, baby, just relax, open up for me, that's it." Once the head was inside, he stopped and waited. But those restless hips began to move again, pushing back so that more of his length was taken inside the glorious heat.
Mulder moaned once and began to pant. "Alex, please, I need it. Oh, come on, just -- "
Alex grabbed Mulder's left shoulder and used the leverage to push all the way home. They groaned in unison. Alex was so close to orgasm, it felt like the slightest movement would tip him over the edge. "Don't move for a second, baby, okay? Or it's all gonna be over...God, you're so hot. Are you okay? Does it hurt?"
"I'm fine -- ohhh, I 've wanted this for so long, Alex. It feels so good. Perfect. Like it was meant to be. Like we were made for this purpose."
"Damn, babe, you're poetic when you got a dick up your ass."
Mulder gave a slight chuckle that made his internal muscles contract around Alex. "I think you should get used to that. I don't think I'm going to ever let you go."
Alex's cock gave a twitch. Mulder chuckled again. "Did you like that? How 'bout this one -- I love you, Alex."
Alex started to move. He had to, or he felt like he would explode. The sensations, the feelings, -- it was more than he could take. He felt like it was his first time instead of Mulder's. He drew back, then pressed home again. Slowly at first, then faster until the rhythm took over his brain and all he could do was howl. He was vaguely aware of Mulder's moans as they rocked together. And then he was aware of nothing but his orgasm, feeling himself letting go deep within his lover's body.
He came back to himself draped over Mulder's trembling back. God, that was perfect. So perfect.
He heard Mulder's strangely breathless voice. "Um, Alex? Could you please, uh, help me out here? Now that your hand is available, I mean."
The words slowly filtered into his mind and lined up in order. Help. Hand. Available. Damn.
Mulder continued. " 'Cause I'm a little occupied with keeping us from falling to the floor in a boneless heap, except that one of us isn't actually boneless, if you know what I mean."
Alex's searching hand trailed down Mulder's stomach to find his still hard cock. A few strong strokes, and he felt muscles squeezing his own softening cock as Mulder screamed his name and came all over the end of the tub.
The water was starting to cool considerably by this time, and Alex knew they had to move. He pulled out, hearing Mulder's moan echoing his own. He pulled Mulder upright and tugged on an arm to turn him for a kiss. They washed each other quickly, fumbling a bit with still-shaky hands, the washcloth feeling rough on their sensitive cocks.
Mulder turned off the water and claimed Alex's mouth for one last, deep kiss before they got out of the tub and dried each other.
"What now? I vote we go back to bed and see what happens."
"Mulder, you are incredible. We're not teenagers anymore. I may need to wait a few hours before you get a repeat performance."
Mulder gave him an evil leer. "We could just cuddle a little. Talk."
"What are you, a woman? Ex-thugs don't cuddle. It's not in the job description. I checked." But he let himself be led to the bed and lay down next to Mulder on his left side. He draped his arm over Mulder's ribcage and sighed.
"You really are, you know. Incredible. That was -- I don't have words. Are you sure you never did that before?"
"Nope. Never had the opportunity."
"I thought you said you were bi? That usually indicates that you've at least tried something like that."
"What I said was that I've known I was bi since high school. I'm attracted to men as well as women. But the one and only time I actually got to do anything about it, it turned out that he wasn't quite as into it as I was. So it really didn't get too far. Not for lack of trying on my part, I assure you. After that, it was easier on my ego to stick to women. It didn't seem to matter as much with them if I got shot down. And then I met you.
"And you became the gold standard in my mind. None of my previous fantasies could measure up to you. But I'd have been crazy to make a move; it would have destroyed me if you had turned me down. So I just kept dreaming of maybe someday having you right where you are now."
Alex's arm tightened as he buried his face in Mulder's chest. "Even after --"
"Yeah, it got a little dark there for a while in Mulderland, but it was still you. I tried not to think about it, it hurt so much, but every once in a while there you were. And then I -- "
"What?"
"I bought some...toys."
Alex levered himself up on Mulder's chest, and stared at him. Thought about the way he'd said 'toys' so defensively. "You're not talking about Legos, are you? Mulder, did you buy a dildo?"
"Yes." The usual teasing undercurrent was completely gone from Mulder's voice, and he sounded so vulnerable Alex had to reassure him.
"I'm not laughing at you, baby. I just -- wow. So you..."
"I pretended it was you. Sometimes. When I needed it. And I hated you for making me need you like that. So whenever I actually saw you; well, you remember, I'm sure."
"Yeah."
"But you never really fought back, and I just got tired of the hating. It was tearing me up inside. So when you pulled up outside Scully's apartment that night, I barely hesitated before getting into the car with you. It seemed so obvious in that moment how wrong I had been. There was still some left-over hostility there, but I was on the way out the other side."
"Oh, God, baby, I'm so sorry. For all of it. It was killing me, too. But they --"
"Shh, I know. We were both trapped in the situation. No regrets, remember? We're starting clean here. We can talk about it if it helps, but no more blame. It's just us, from now on. Together. Okay?"
"Okay." But Alex's voice was doubtful until Mulder's lips found his. Sinking into his lover's arms, all his doubts faded, to be replaced by the strange feeling of completeness he had finally found. This was what he had been missing all his life. The total acceptance and okay, say it love he felt from Mulder made him near to tears. This was real. This was forever.
Resting his head on Mulder's shoulder, Alex drifted in thought. Mulder's voice pulled him back.