Snooker for Snookums at Joe's Bar and Grill
by Ursula
Warning: Gross and morbid humor, CC bashing
Author's Notes: I'm blaming Jamie, Emily, and dossier for asking for it.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters and I have no idea why the initials CC seem familiar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Are you sure that the alien won't hurt Scully?" Mulder asked.
"Fuck, quit worrying your pretty head, Snookums. I supervised the engineering thing myself. That thing is so well programmed that it will always buy the right size of tampons and love to change diapers. She'll love it."
As they walked up to Joe's Bar and Homeless Character Shelter, a red carpet trimmed with white fur rolled out.
"Hey, look, an ermine carpet!" Alex said.
"Yep, not politically correct," remarked Mulder.
"Well, it's made out of cloned ermine fur grown in vats so don't worry your head and since when did you get politically correct?"
"Just thinking" Mulder said.
"Yeah, well, it'll give you wrinkles." Alex commented.
"Wow, look at the crowd. Nice show tonight! Think they love me? Damn good thing that Joe's has expanding walls. Looks like everybody showed up except...hmm?" Alex said, looking through the crowd. "Where's Walt?"
"Bringing you a present," Mulder replied, "Just sit on the throne and wait."
And surely enough there was a throne with Alex's name carved upon the golden back.
"In a minute," Alex said, "Cory, love! You did it. You got the script in time to save me."
"It was nothing, my love," Cory said as Alex wrapped himself around him like a circle around the sun. Since Cory was immortal and Alex was practiced at holding his breath around stinker scripts, the kiss went on and on and on. Through eight paragraphs and an entire story line until...
"Wow, that was outstanding; I think my lips scalded," Alex said.
"A guy gets good after a few hundred years," Cory said modestly.
"Well, if there's anything I can do for you, just tell me," Alex said, "I owe you a thousand thanks."
"Sixty-nine will do," Cory answered.
Sometime later, Skinner staggered in under the wieght of a large snooker's table. He carried it like a cross and it didn't help that Matthew was seated on top, meditating.
Alex grinned and said, "Hey, there you are! Let me give you a hand!"
Shortly, the no longer needed prosthesis hit Skinner in the head. He hardly flinched, just set the snooker table down and then threw himself at Alex's feet wailing.
"It was so fucking horrible and my stupid ass actor is going to make me go back! Somebody hide me!" Walter cried.
"Shh, it's over now and you did what I told you to do. Hey, with as little work as CC gives your actor, you can spend most of your time here anyway. You might as well be a character without an actor," Alex said. He patted Skinner on his bald head and stood up to admire the present.
"That's true," Walter said, "Well, how do you like it?"
"Great, but there seems to be a problem. I count only six balls," Alex said, juggling them merrily.
"Not counting your balls, Cory. Yeah, I know they've been in lot of corner pockets, but not on my brand new pool table," Alex said.
Tessa Noel came up dressed in her leather apron. She had sweating arms and a rosy face, but looked happy that Duncan was at last out of the stocks and happier still that her honey hadn't killed her directly at least. "Richie and Silas have the things in the kiln. They should be dry enough to use shortly."
"Who is Silas? Richie I know, but Silas?" Alex asked curiously.
Walter said, "That Silas is an interesting guy, a friend of Methos. Richie Ryan and he are down in the basement making some very special balls for your game."
"Yeah?" Alex said, disappearing under the table with Mulder and Cory.
Walter grabbed Ricky and joined them. The more the merrier.
A length of time later, somewhat after the second coming, but before the third or fourth, Richie emerged from the basement, remarking, "So Silas, did you like all the stories I read you in the basement?"
"Yes, Richie, but I'm not in them. That makes Silas sad," Silas said.
"Oh, well, you get to play over at the Seventh Dimension. It's cool. I have my own section. A pretty big section and I get almost everyone."
"You get Silas?" the big immortal asked hopefully.
"Um, no, but Silas gets to play with Methos," Richie said.
"Silas likes Methos," said the oaf.
"Everybody likes Methos," Richie said, "Now, Silas, put the presents on the table and rack them up."
Everyone watched in shocked horror as Silas produced a medieval rack and attempted to torture the balls.
Embarrassed Methos led Silas away and said, "I'm just going to introduce him to Ursa. Rack them up, Alex."
"You know these handmade balls are not very regular. What the hell did you use to make them, Richie?" Alex complained as he missed his shot again. Everyone else was happy. Pool shooting really displayed one of Alex's lovely assets. This time there were no visible panty lines.
Missing another shot, Alex checked out one of the yellow balls. They were not very round and were undersized. Beneath numerous coats of shellac, he could see irregular waves of something. It looked like hair, hairy balls. Suspicious now, Alex picked up the black ball. It had a nose, a squashed and misshapen one, but still the right shape. He thought he knew the face no matter how compressed it was.
"CC? This is his head and these? His balls?" Alex asked.
Modestly, Richie said, "Silas has some bad habits you know, but it seemed so wasteful not to use them once they were off. Had to use a lot of shellac or you wouldn't even be able to see the balls. The head was a little overdone, but hey, it does make a good eight ball."
"You're a good boy, Richie," Alex said.
Mulder walked over and said, "And you, Alex, are a nice looking kid,"
"Will you quit pushing my head down?" Alex complained as Mulder shoved him to his knees.
"Damn, and he hasn't even seen what we made the cue cover out of," Walter remarked, putting aside the book on home tanning to grab Mulder and Alex and drag them under the table again.
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Home at Joe's Bar and Homeless Shelter Alex Krycek,
Reborn into our tender hearts May 20, 2001
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
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